There's a passage from a spiritual book that I've been reading for over a decade that starts;
"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems..."
I have been willing to accept a lot of things in my life, including using alcohol and drugs to hide my feelings,
to being prone to depression. I accepted that I grew up in an abusive home, that I married, divorced and had two children with an abusive man. But for some reason, it has taken me years to accept that I am a highly sensitive person, with potentially strong empathic abilities. (see, still can't say with solid assertion that I AM AN EMPATH)...just maybe I might be...ha!
I have known cognitively the things I can do to better ground myself for years; including meditation, crystals, sage, eating properly, reiki; however there has been an unwillingness on my part to accept the abilities and actually do anything about them. I really don't think I wanted to believe in my abilities as an empath...almost like I would prefer to believe that I was just 'crazy'...but that path never felt quite right. So I'm now moving closer to fully embracing the truth.
The truth is that when my kids father sends me a text message if I'm not careful I will get an instant splitting headache. That without shielding daily the women I work with can drain me to the point of me having an emotional break down. Even my children's energy can cause me to vibrate with anxiety and potentially vomit.
It is no ones fault, it is my lack of skill in allowing their energy to flow around or through or past me...it's like I'm a magnet, and it can feel ...well like a tornado is going on around me but sucking me into it's core. And I guess in essence it is...a tornado of energies and unexpressed emotions.
When people are unauthentic with me, I sense it rather quickly, and often don't hold my tongue. Sometimes I say things that they may not even be aware of; this has caused a real distance between me and well...just about everyone I know. I have lacked the ability to make authentic human connection, because I often expect people to be aware of things they're not. And well, I have to learn to tone THAT down a bit!So for the last week, I have been practicing grounding and shielding meditations. Sage is burning as I type this. I took yesterday off from work (my first sick day in 6 months) because I felt like I had acquired a flu, however I wonder if it was really my body simply cleansing itself. I spent the day alone, practicing grounding and seeing what I can do to stay aware and awake while not sucking up all the energies zipping around me. This is going to take time and patience on my part, and I really wonder what's going to come of this new acceptance.
My contract for my job is up in a few months, however I have applied for the extension; I will find out, I think, by next week if I was chosen for the extension. I know I was not the only applicant and I highly doubt that I will get it. Although it frightens me that I may be a single mom out of job, I see it as the potential to take some much needed time to become more centered and grounded.
If the universe needs me to be unemployed for a few months, I might actually be ok with that. (What other choice do I have really?) I would qualify for Employment Insurance and still have some relief work available to me. So financially I'd be able to survive, not thrive, but I know I'd be provided for; (Universe has always been good to me in that way)
There's also the fact that there's a 10 day silent retreat that I've been inclined to go to for years, this might just be the time to do it.
So, some of you might be wondering, what's with the newbie who's spewing her stuff out all over her blog...
well, I have been craving a place to feel safe and where I can be my authentic self; I get the sense that this is the place to do that. I appreciate the opportunity, and I feel safe here. I am a writer by nature, and have never given myself the freedom to write about this part of myself...so here I am opening up freely on the internet...huh...now that's weird...so far though...no harm done.