Important to belong
I have been searching for awhile now.
Spiritually I mean.
My 20's were spent drinking, my 30's getting sober, and now that I'm in my 40's...well here I am!
I went to a spiritual retreat one weekend a couple of years ago. It was an intense weekend, with an experience I will never forget. We conducted a cleansing of sorts...like nothing I had ever experienced. At the end of the weekend, the instructor stood before me and said: "you are a highly sensitive empath." my response..."Ok, now what?" And she stared blankly at me and suggested that I speak to another empathic woman in the room; that woman glared at me with such contempt I couldn't go near her. So I didn't.
I've been seeking since then, well, kind of. Mostly I was hoping she was mistaken, and that I could pretend and go about my life, like I was just another person. I would get a job, save money, buy a house, and be able to stick my head in the sand and ignore what I was experiencing. Well, apparently that's not an option.
What I've been experiencing the last few months is quite similar to the moment of clarity when I realized I needed to quit drinking or I was going to die. Seriously, it feels quite similar.
When walking into a staff meeting one day, the emotional over load was so intense I was literally pushed back behind the threshold. A colleague asked; "What are you doing?" Luckily I was able to respond with a giggle, and a "trying to decide where to sit." I never knew choosing where to sit in a staff meeting can feel like a life threatening decision. (I should mention I work with all woman at a shelter; the energies thrown about that place is often overwhelming_)
I really knew there would be trouble if I didn't get this under control when during my yearly review at work I started to cry because once again I felt the bombardment of the intense dislike for me by my co workers; I knew I wasn't crazy, although it could appear that way to others; but I didn't know what to do about it.
Luckily this happened right before the Christmas holidays, at which time I realized it was time to start meditating again. During these meditations, it came to me clear as day. I need to develop the skills necessary to shield, block and ground or I would be thrown for a loop everyday for the rest of my life.
I have started taking Bach Flower remedies, and discovered a mixture that is helpful. and EFT has been reintroduced to me and I had forgotten how helpful it can be.
Part of me wants to isolate and disappear from this world; because it often just feels TOO MUCH; but what I realized is that I need to learn to control how much of it I feel....so here I am, another leg on the journey.
I am right now on my way to another shift at work and I feel more grounded simply because I have found a place where I can share my story.
I don't know if anyone out there can relate or identify, but if you do, I would love to hear from you. Thank you for being.