Kaolin

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Interesting week


By Kaolin, 2016-02-09

As I've reviewed the last few weeks, I am amazed at how much more at ease I am with my life. Since I've come to accept my path I seem to have developed an ability to be more at peace with myself and the world around me. There are still moments of exhaustion, but definitely not as draining as it use to be.

Today, as my son walked in the room I got this overwhelming sense of sadness. When this use to happen I thought it was my sadness, today I asked, "Are you sad?" And when he responded yes, it was like the feelings were blown off of me in a gentle breeze. He came into me for a hug and clung to me with such relief; I was able to offer him loving kindness like never before and I believe it was because I was not overcome with his emotions but rather was able to spread light to him through me. It was incredible. I have for a long time struggled with depression, this week things have shifted.

I have noticed that when those old dark unpleasant feelings or thoughts have attempted to creep in, I've stated something simple such as "That isn't true" or "I know that isn't mine" or "I don't know where THAT'S coming from but I don't think I need to hear that" or more gently "I don't believe that's helpful" and they seem to flow away. If they don't right away then I picture roots from my feet delving into the earth and securing me then open up the top of my head to let the light in. This light seems to push away anything that isn't helpful.

My most recent experience was when I walked into my building and headed up the stairs. I live on the third floor of a district housing building, and there are a lot of troubled spirits in the building. I heard the voices and felt the troubles of many~~~ it was like a therapy session going on; I use to listen carefully attempting to decipher all they had to say and tried to figure out what "I" was thinking/feeling. This time, I repeated a few of the above mentioned statements, and they seemed to disappear. I wonder now, if all of these were current residents of the building or old spirits wandering around...but I guess that doesn't matter really. I am just grateful for not taking them all on as I use to.

This week I have not hidden in my house and tried to avoid the world as I use to do. Work was not as draining today, and I have reached out to a few, on this website and in the real world. This is all very new, but I finally feeling like I might be able to not only survive but may even well thrive. Now that I have some tools and am learning how to use them. So grateful.

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Acceptance


By Kaolin, 2016-01-08

There's a passage from a spiritual book that I've been reading for over a decade that starts;

"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems..."

I have been willing to accept a lot of things in my life, including using alcohol and drugs to hide my feelings,

to being prone to depression. I accepted that I grew up in an abusive home, that I married, divorced and had two children with an abusive man. But for some reason, it has taken me years to accept that I am a highly sensitive person, with potentially strong empathic abilities. (see, still can't say with solid assertion that I AM AN EMPATH)...just maybe I might be...ha!

I have known cognitively the things I can do to better ground myself for years; including meditation, crystals, sage, eating properly, reiki; however there has been an unwillingness on my part to accept the abilities and actually do anything about them. I really don't think I wanted to believe in my abilities as an empath...almost like I would prefer to believe that I was just 'crazy'...but that path never felt quite right. So I'm now moving closer to fully embracing the truth.

The truth is that when my kids father sends me a text message if I'm not careful I will get an instant splitting headache. That without shielding daily the women I work with can drain me to the point of me having an emotional break down. Even my children's energy can cause me to vibrate with anxiety and potentially vomit.
It is no ones fault, it is my lack of skill in allowing their energy to flow around or through or past me...it's like I'm a magnet, and it can feel ...well like a tornado is going on around me but sucking me into it's core. And I guess in essence it is...a tornado of energies and unexpressed emotions.

When people are unauthentic with me, I sense it rather quickly, and often don't hold my tongue. Sometimes I say things that they may not even be aware of; this has caused a real distance between me and well...just about everyone I know. I have lacked the ability to make authentic human connection, because I often expect people to be aware of things they're not. And well, I have to learn to tone THAT down a bit!

So for the last week, I have been practicing grounding and shielding meditations. Sage is burning as I type this. I took yesterday off from work (my first sick day in 6 months) because I felt like I had acquired a flu, however I wonder if it was really my body simply cleansing itself. I spent the day alone, practicing grounding and seeing what I can do to stay aware and awake while not sucking up all the energies zipping around me. This is going to take time and patience on my part, and I really wonder what's going to come of this new acceptance.

My contract for my job is up in a few months, however I have applied for the extension; I will find out, I think, by next week if I was chosen for the extension. I know I was not the only applicant and I highly doubt that I will get it. Although it frightens me that I may be a single mom out of job, I see it as the potential to take some much needed time to become more centered and grounded.

If the universe needs me to be unemployed for a few months, I might actually be ok with that. (What other choice do I have really?) I would qualify for Employment Insurance and still have some relief work available to me. So financially I'd be able to survive, not thrive, but I know I'd be provided for; (Universe has always been good to me in that way)

There's also the fact that there's a 10 day silent retreat that I've been inclined to go to for years, this might just be the time to do it.

So, some of you might be wondering, what's with the newbie who's spewing her stuff out all over her blog...

well, I have been craving a place to feel safe and where I can be my authentic self; I get the sense that this is the place to do that. I appreciate the opportunity, and I feel safe here. I am a writer by nature, and have never given myself the freedom to write about this part of myself...so here I am opening up freely on the internet...huh...now that's weird...so far though...no harm done.

Be well.

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Important to belong


By Kaolin, 2016-01-06

I have been searching for awhile now.
Spiritually I mean.

My 20's were spent drinking, my 30's getting sober, and now that I'm in my 40's...well here I am!

I went to a spiritual retreat one weekend a couple of years ago. It was an intense weekend, with an experience I will never forget. We conducted a cleansing of sorts...like nothing I had ever experienced. At the end of the weekend, the instructor stood before me and said: "you are a highly sensitive empath." my response..."Ok, now what?" And she stared blankly at me and suggested that I speak to another empathic woman in the room; that woman glared at me with such contempt I couldn't go near her. So I didn't.

I've been seeking since then, well, kind of. Mostly I was hoping she was mistaken, and that I could pretend and go about my life, like I was just another person. I would get a job, save money, buy a house, and be able to stick my head in the sand and ignore what I was experiencing. Well, apparently that's not an option.

What I've been experiencing the last few months is quite similar to the moment of clarity when I realized I needed to quit drinking or I was going to die. Seriously, it feels quite similar.

When walking into a staff meeting one day, the emotional over load was so intense I was literally pushed back behind the threshold. A colleague asked; "What are you doing?" Luckily I was able to respond with a giggle, and a "trying to decide where to sit." I never knew choosing where to sit in a staff meeting can feel like a life threatening decision. (I should mention I work with all woman at a shelter; the energies thrown about that place is often overwhelming_)

I really knew there would be trouble if I didn't get this under control when during my yearly review at work I started to cry because once again I felt the bombardment of the intense dislike for me by my co workers; I knew I wasn't crazy, although it could appear that way to others; but I didn't know what to do about it.

Luckily this happened right before the Christmas holidays, at which time I realized it was time to start meditating again. During these meditations, it came to me clear as day. I need to develop the skills necessary to shield, block and ground or I would be thrown for a loop everyday for the rest of my life.

I have started taking Bach Flower remedies, and discovered a mixture that is helpful. and EFT has been reintroduced to me and I had forgotten how helpful it can be.

Part of me wants to isolate and disappear from this world; because it often just feels TOO MUCH; but what I realized is that I need to learn to control how much of it I feel....so here I am, another leg on the journey.

I am right now on my way to another shift at work and I feel more grounded simply because I have found a place where I can share my story.

I don't know if anyone out there can relate or identify, but if you do, I would love to hear from you. Thank you for being.

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