By Gem, 2016-02-07
I need to write this down. I've made it only visible to friends.My 19yr old is suffering depression. He has done on and off from a very early age (he's been through a lot). He got in with the wrong crowd in his early teens at school and has suffered substance abuse issues on and off since then.Currently his girlfriend lives with us...she too has depression and is extremely insecure. It's been one row after another since before Xmas. With both occasionally self harming and threatening suicide.I had to take my son to hospital two nights ago because of self harm and his threats to end it all. He was assessed by a mental health nurse. One of the questions was about if he ever hears voices... Which I knew he had but thought it was a recent thing..turns out he's had voices on and off since being around 8. He said the voices aren't his internal thought voice but a separate unknown voice. So we're waiting for an appointment for 'early intervention team ' where he'll be assessed by a consultant.I'm trying not to be scared, I'm trying to be strong for him...I also feel responsibility for his girlfriend because she has not got good relationship with her adoptive parents and has no friends. I'm perpetually terrified of one of them doing something and it's really starting to take its toll.Part of me thinks about the people on hear who's doctors thought they had psychosis but they know now they were hearing spirit..presumably though the voices they heard weren't saying horrible things to them. I realise I'm probably wishful thinking.I really hope this early intervention team hurries up with the appointment but with the huge cuts to the mental health budget here in the UK I just don't know how long we'll be waiting.I needed to get this off my chest in a safe environment to be completely honest.
By Gem, 2015-11-15
Im being put to sleep for a colonoscopy early tomorrow morning (UK time).I've got to drink 2 litres of the most hideous 'prep'Its just me and my almost 3yr old in the house and being curious about mummys drink he kept asking for some. I explained it's mummys medicine and it tastes disgusting. He dipped his finger in wanting proof. His little face scrunched up and he said 'oh mummy it IS disgusting' he then put his arms around me and said he was sad. Sad is exactly how I'm feeling about drinking it. It is exactly the word for it.Then a few minutes later while it was set down on the table he dipped his fingers in it again and put it to his tongue.. Repeating that it's disgusting and he felt sad.Now he keeps saying 'sorry mummy 'Obviously I'm keeping it in my hand now to prevent him from trying to join in the misery of this drink.But each day since my own 'awakening' I'm becoming more aware of my littlest man's sensitivity..his constantly saying sorry with nobody sure whyHim often asking each person in turn 'you ok mummy?' 'you ok *older brother* 'you ok daddy?'Lots of other things too.I'd love to hear from any other parents out there who have experience with sensitive kids.
By Gem, 2015-11-09
I bought my first deck of angel cards recently. I've used them a couple of times since getting them but today whilst focusing on my question and shuffling four fell out of the pack. I'd read when this happens to pay particular attention to the cards. I have to say they were particularly well matched and meaningful to what was in my head.I also received my first pendulum today. I went for one made of clear quartz. I asked questions to figure out it's yes/no responses and then asked things I'd like more guidance on. Two of my questions got really strong responses speed wise.I've also put a deposit down for my level one reiki. I'm not doing it till end of February to give myself more time in getting a feel for all these new feeling and possibilities opening up to me.I'm feeling very positive today despite a lot of hurt and sadness this past week.I'm going to make the most of feeling in this happier frame of mind.
By Gem, 2015-10-23
I've been doing a lot of spiritual reading and a recurring theme is not giving space inside of yourself to people whom try to disrupt/hurt you.I of course understand the idea that the negative emotions within yourself that those people cause are not good for us. I'm struggling with the idea that we somehow ignore it though?Those who hurt me in the past I've been able I think to let go of feelings attached but those affecting me in the present who I'm tied to through marriage.. I can't allow them to continually attack my peace of mind, either directly or indirectly through my husband.I know it's natural to feel anger, frustration etc under these circumstances but I also want to progress spiritually and don't want to hold myself back in any way because of how their interference in my life makes me feel.We can't always turn the other cheek otherwise we become doormats and I'm done with being a doormat.I need to find a way to release the feelings that frequently occur because they are in my life through my husband. I've tried 'releasing anger meditations' ect and although in the hours following its better, I know it's not gone and it's never long before something occurs again to continue the unhealthy cycle I don't want to be a part of!
By Gem, 2015-10-17
So another interesting reiki session today.This time I was seeing Colours. Not the chakra colours though. Also I kind of felt like the colours were people spirit side? Just a feeling.While she was at my crown I started seeing (all behind closed eyes) a pale lilac circle..it gracefully moved around expanding and contracting.I felt like this was my Nana I felt love and comfort. A dark colour started to appear alongside almost dark green. I'm not certain but I wondered if this was a particular friend spirit side.When she was over my throat and heart area the colours around the pale lilac circle and the dark green shape kind of went golden..shimmering as though the sunlight was dancing on me but it's not sunny here today so I knew it wasn't that.When she moved over my tummy and sacral area I got a circle of pink it was a very certain definite pink and again it expanded and I don't want to write what I feel this related to be I feel I know.I felt like they were with me.Is it that I wanted them to be? Is it my imagination manifesting these things or an outside thing happening to me? I don't know.It felt good though.
By Gem, 2015-10-17
When you've been labeled depressed/anxious by doctors on and off for years..then suddenly something you've always believed in (spirituality) and certain extra senses or gifts may possibly apply to you! It's how to know..you know?I've always believed some people are gifted with extra senses, ive always believed there is so much more than most of us realise.I also know I've had an awful lot to deal with in life, my road has never been easy and I've learnt so much the hard way. I know I've always been sensitive but I also know depression and anxiety are pretty normal reactions given some of the things I've had to go through.So anxiety and depression or empath or both?I always thought it was normal to feel the anxiousness of someone close to you ie close friends/partner/parents/child? I kind of knew I was more sensitive in that it could on occasion stay with me after its passed for them but again I didn't think anything of that till now.I've always wanted to help those I sense are doing wrong to themselves but are good souls. Lame duck syndrome is something my mum has always said I had..although in recent years after being battered with anxiety/depression and panic attacks if I get too stressed I help without getting to close eg take warm clothes and food out to the homeless but avoid people in my everyday life that I know will cause exhaustion.I still get that exhaustion though through my husband because his parents are an absolute nightmare. I've not had contact with them for months but still suffer through him. They still try to micromanage him therfore me. So I'm guessing those angry/frustrated/anxious/helpless feelings are mine because they are affecting my life through him.I know I'm rambling but needed to get this off my chest.I've got my Reiki lady coming in half an hour so hopefully I'll be feeling a bit more relaxed later!