The pain of making a new friend
What I do is, I keep it civil, I be the best friend I can be, and I've been struggling with a feeling of not belonging since I was a child - like people don't really see me. I can feel close to almost anyone, but I hold back, because I know I don't have a chance of getting really close. I mean, not really. If I push it I can hang out, have nice conversations - they talk and talk about their life. But I whenever I have shared, everything goes to sh*t. Do I love too easily and too deep? It's so freaking painful. So I hold back, not letting any hopes get in. I still am friendly with everyone, and I am not afraid to feel the pain of love and friendship towards someone. But I know that's all it's gonna be. I'll never be that person that has friends over or that calls someone whenever I feel down. I have noone to call, and I never had. I don't know why, and probably never will. If I really dug into it, the whys would just pile up. I don't want to get into that, because it would make me crazy. I too, have had that feeling, many times, that people are just uncomfortable around me. Like I am too intense or something. I am getting better and looking beyond it, but man, it can be so confusing. I'm trying to force myself to impose on people a little, because my sense of imposing isn't really. I'm not sure how to explain, but I've had some success with that. I know it won't lead as far as I want, but at least I don't feel like a freak anymore.
The best experiences 'connecting' with people as a friend has been in chats over the internet - maybe I don't come off as intense, or maybe I don't fear I do, but it works.
Problem is, it's like I can see right through people. And I know, if I let myself, I'd love every single one of them. But love is painful this way, so I try not to. At some level I do anyway.
At any sign of rejection, I tend to run away. I don't want to feel that pain. It's completely soul wrecking.
I'm adopting more and more humor in contact with others - it helps alot I've noticed. I joke about myself, I joke about them. It's the closest thing I've come to painlessness. We should all become comedians.
People are so complex - like with their emotions, we don't see all of them at once - we see what sticks out, we feel what's the strongest, or near the surface - it take time to see beyond all that, to really know someone. Even if we can sense what they are right away, we rarely know all of it right away. Me, I am doubting myself too, and I'm not even sure who I am. I think the key here is knowing oneself better. And not take oneself too seriously when trying to connect.
Am I making sense?
This is really the only place that has ever made me feel like I'm not a freak. And even here, I am doing the same thing. It's nobody's fault. It's just who I am, and I am trying to think of a joke, LOL. (Sorry for my crazy energy, I am going through a rough patch.)
Anyway, that's for sharing your experiences, It's great that we all can know we're not alone in this 'loneliness' or whatever one should call it.