Some wisdom sought.
Thank you for the input and advice.
I recognize that I do compare myself to others, the life success of others. Especially considering that I haven't had that much success personally in life. I suppose that if my life was already strong, I had lots of friends, people who cared and respected me, I had achieved a degree of success in my pursuits, so on, that I would recover a lot better from my run ins with nefarious types. Perhaps I'd run into those kinds of people a lot less. But my lack of personal success and the apparent success of those who just go through life not giving a damn about anyone but themselves makes me wonder if I get crushed because I'm weak. Weak in the areas that seem to matter in this world.
I suppose too the reason I've clung to the pain of the ordeal is that this hasn't been my first experience like this and I honestly thought I knew better by now and was capable of better choices in the people I get involved with. That I found myself inadvertently empowering someone who was not a good person. I feel ashamed that my actions kinda proved the point that bad people can quite easily enjoy the benefit of good people, then use, discard, repeat. I fed into that. Also that I still clung to the idea that my love and such could make the difference, that if I only gave enough...But again, I have already been proved wrong on that account in the past and really I should have known better. Knowing that that person has taken then discarded the best I had to offer and gone on to flourished and I haven't has really stuck in my gut.
Part of me strongly wants to martyr myself. Just exit out. I can't honestly say at this point in time I feel good for caring, acting selfless, for my desire to be honest, have integrity, loyalty, a sense of honour to my actions. I get tired of being made out to be the bad guy for doing the right thing. More often than not it's appeared to me that I should just drink the kool-aid and be as cold, ruthlessly selfish and superficial as it appears most people around me are. I've bent, tried to mould myself to be someone else, in the end though I can't get with the program. I feel very deeply, I care deeply and want to do what's right even if the right thing isn't the most comfortable. That seems to make me abnormal. Like I have some kind of genetic defect or disease. Seriously I feel like Serpico and I'm so tired of it.
I guess in the end I'm rather confused and tired of being hurt but I know by nature I can't just be someone else.