Feeling Overwhelmed and Confused
So background. I got divorced 3 years ago. Once I was divorced I cut off all contact with my Ex. Why? Because I still cared for him and I was afraid of what would happen. He had a girlfriend and a child in another city. I found out and waited for him to tell me..he never did. I confonted him about it and he outright lied saying I didn't know what I was talking about. Our divorce was very amicable and if the truth was told I think he thought I would continue living with him afterwards. The reason I say that is he made different comments. Our divorce became final when he was "out of town". I started packing up some of my stuff and started taking it to the house I was going to live in. (I didn't move there sooner because it was in the middle of a big remodel and not livable). When he got back and saw some of my stuff was gone he went ballistic and told me he would not sign for the divorce...although he already had...don't know if he forgot or ?. I told him the divorce was already final and his paperwork was on the counter. At that point he flipped out and told me to get the F out of his house. I did....
A few days later he showed up with some of my furniture. He kissed me when he left. In the meantime I had started messaging with an old boyfriend (from 50 years ago) on facebook. Truthfully, I did not start that until the divorce was final...did not have any contact with him until then. Well, my ex found out and again flipped out and told anyone he could that I was the one that had the boyfriend...blah blah blah. At that point he then would not let me get anymore of my belongings. His niece helped me with that and although I didn't get everything I just let it go. And never spoke with him again. (and I might add we live less than 1/2 mile apart)
So it's been 3 years. Sometimes I think of him - sometimes I still get angry sometimes sad. He has had some pretty bad things happen to him since then and my first thought is Karma.
Until a month ago. He owns a construction company and a worker was killed on a job site. My ex was operating the machinery and a load bearing wall collasped on the worker. The night it was on the news I heard "a 54 year old construction worked was killed on a job today" - I saw my ex's excavator, his truck, and other equipment and for the longest second in history I thought it was my ex that died. Then I saw him being interviewed and I breathed a sigh of relief. Then told the Karma Gods - OK enough!
Fast forward...I ended up sending him a text to tell him that I was sorry, that I knew he must be going thru alot, and that I hoped he would get thru it all....that I was sorry it took me so long but that I didn't know if I should or not....not my exact wording, but basically that. A few days later he texts back and thanks me for texting him. Said it means alot to him. He told me he is a total mess. That he had been staying with some friends but was back home. That he brought his son (the one he had when we were married - the mother and he still live in another city) here and that having him around had helped. He said he can't sleep because he just keeps seeing "steve's face" (the worker that died) So I texted back that I was truly sorry and that if I could do anything to help to let me know. And said stay strong. He hasn't texted back. Then last nite his niece messaged me thank you for contacting my uncle. That it meant alot to him...she said he is a mess but slowly getting a little better.
Since all this all I want to do is cry. I walk around with tears in my eyes and can't get him out of my head. I've been working on projects around the house to keep busy but it is still there. At this point I don't know if I'm just picking up on his emotions and feelings or (please no) if 3 years after the fact I still want to be with him.
I don't want to talk about this to anyone because I'm afraid they will blast me for even feeling bad for him. I'm always considered the strong one and right now I don't feel all that strong.
updated by @karen: 03/11/17 08:31:25AM