Stuck between 2 worlds
Over the past 2 years I've been going through many changes inside and out, with a speed up in the last year. It's been so crazy, so overwhelming. All the Ascension symptoms ( if that's what it is) plus a few more. Since finding this site a little over half a year ago, I've been cleaning a lot inside. Learning to know which are my feeling and which are from others, letting go, loving myself the way I'm supposed to, taking better care of my feelings and knowing when to say "no". It's been great on one hand, I don't feel like a victim of life anymore, I feel empowered and I've grown a lot.
On the OTHER hand...my world has been falling apart, to put it bluntly. I've pushed people away out of my life, some have left on their own, I have less and less tolerance to some things, I say no a lot more often now...And it's all very fast and confusing. I've heard that it's all part of the change, out with the old, in with the new type of thing but...I'm scared and confused. I have almost no friends left now; i know now looking back that they were toxic to me...but they also had good parts and i think in their own way they cared about me...I'm questioning a lot if i did the right thing. If maybe I rushed and maybe I was too demanding...Maybe all relationships are supposed to be like that...I dont know.
What I do know is I was unhappy and wanted more then they were willing to give. So I left or made them leave. But what if it's me? What if i'm just asking for the impossible? And this goes for everything else, not just friends I've lost.
I know exactly what it is I'm looking for in life, in people. And I've cleaned most of the areas that weren't that. But what if what I need does not exist in human form and in life? Is my life always gonna be like this?
It's true that I've also met some new people that seem to be more in tune to me....but I just dont know anymore.
Everything is falling apart right now, I have a lot of anger and disappointment inside that I'm trying to push out' i'm scared and confused and questioning everything I did, everything I became, or who I turned into, I dont feel good enough anymore. I say no more than I did before and the guilt and feeling of becoming useless voluntarily is overwhelming. I have taken charge of my life, but it feels I'm not helping others as much because of that. If I feel they wanna take advantage or use me, I dont even try anymore.
Sorry for the long rant, but I needed to get it of my chest in a place where people understand ( hopefully).
Has anyone else gone through that? Any insight will be greatly appreciated.
updated by @lavinia: 05/09/17 12:31:29AM