Understanding Empaths and complex relationships
For myself I have learned through my failures that I am not interested in a relationship. Whenever I say this to people they immediately go to the "what's wrong" route. For a while I did think something was wrong.
Fact is, there is nothing wrong with me.
Every relationship I have had in the past has always been about trying help someone heal. Once I realized this it became clear that the I was the reason these relationships failed.
I had no real romantic interest in the people I have dated. I was just confused on the roles I wanted to play in their lives.
The people I would always connect with were only used to people who had romantic interest in them showing any real desire to be around them. Which is what drew them to me.
I come from a background where the idea of what love is and means was severely distorted. Any show of affection toward anyone outside of family was seen as having a sexual nature. Before I was taught what loving actually was, I thought this perception to be true. So that is what drew me to these people.
Thinking this way facilitated my isolation from the world. These relationships that I didn't know, where not what I wanted made me feel like I had bad luck with people.
It was also keeping me from figuring out what I truly wanted from life and the people in it.
Situations in my life like bad interpersonal skills forced me to begin working on the boundaries I set with people. Setting those boundaries had the strangest effect on my life and the way I perceive myself.
In order to successfully set boundaries one has to know exactly what it is they wish to achieve. So in order to figure out what my boundaries where I had to figure out who I was. What could i realistically handle? What did I want to put up with and how much of it?
This lead to other questions like what kind of people did i want to be around? What kind of environment did i want to work in? How much of myself did i actually want to give to the world versus what i thought i should give? And how do i communicate this to others successfully? How would i respond when they did not meet my needs?
There were many other questions that came up especially concerning romantic matters.
When it was all said and done i realized i didn't want a romantic relationship. Some people do and therefore date until they find their match. I never really dated to find a match only to have fun. At time due to concerns I would end up in relationships. Ones that never worked because as I said it was for the wrong reasons.
I had to be brave for myself and learn to say no and walk away.
I now realize that when I was dating I was really looking for lasting friendships not intimate relationships. However because of the earlier stated view on affection, I did not know that was what I wanted.
I still have and will probably always have some soul searching to do. However in the mean time I am much happier. Connecting with people is much easier and more pleasant. While I notice those who need healing I am much less inclined to feel as though it is my responsibility. I do try and help if I can but I do not sacrifice myself anymore.
Life is strange and that's how I got here.