emotionally numb empaths
I forgot to add that looking at a list of emotional states can help as well. Sometimes it is difficult identify what is being felt by name. For example
Today was a difficult day. Or at least the first two hours of work where.
So I temp with different companies. It's what makes working easy for me. A couple of months ago I worked at this place that was difficult. I was there for a week, and in order to survive the week I had to play a sort of game with myself.
I basically wore metaphorical mask every day. Which worked so well they wanted me to keep coming back. However I can only wear a mask so long before it starts to eat me up. So I called my company and told them that I would not work there regularly but I was willing to come back after a break.
Well today was that day. I only lasted two hours.
I've started working with my chakras pushing out old energy and the closing up afterwards. This practice has worked everytime I have tried it so far. When I was struggling with it today I thought maybe it no longer works for me (that's happened before, sometimes what works today only works for a while.) But I kept trying. I was even trying to modify it to see if combining techniques that I knew worked would help. It was the same.
I was starting to have a panicky attack which really threw me off because there was no real reason to. I was working independently for the most part. I was doing a good job. However everytime someone spoke to me, with the exception of a few people I felt sick. My ears felt like they where popping and my stomach began getting big and hard, which should not be happening at this point. I wanted to cry, throw up, and run all at the same time.
So I went outside and called my boss. I told her I needed a pep talk and then a flood of tears just started coming out. I was shocked. I'm not empathicly overloaded, in fact I have found a great grounding technique that makes me feel like I have hit the reset button. I practice this technique throughout the day, mostly because it feels great. While the day was difficult it was not bad enough to cry the way I did. I mean I cried like I had just suffered a great loss (I put it that way, because it was truly the way I've cried during a loss, but during the exact moment of finding out about the loss.)
After leaving the building the feeling still didn't fully go away. It wasn't until I was completely out of that neighborhood that it was gone. It was like it never even happened. In fact I'm back to being happily grounded. What's funny is that I haven't even done my grounding practice yet. And I honestly don't feel like I need to.
What I am wondering is how others have dealt, when in similar situations? I am also curious if it is possible to shift the energy of an entire neighborhood the way we shift energies in our bodies? Could we help by focusing on clearing the energy of spaces?
I'm experimenting on this idea with my house.
So I have been noticing that I cannot cook in my own house. As I am a chef and can cook anywhere else including in the house of others and it comes out wonderfully, I was concerned.
Yesterday I began to wonder what it was about my kitchen. The ingredients I use are the same, as well as the recipes.
I have these roommates who are extremely self centered, they are a family in fact. When they go into the kitchen they leave it complete mess. There's food everywhere, spills on the floor, and the mess will stay for a week if no one says anything.
When we first tried to confront them, they started yelling calling us liars, just getting real aggressive . (Btw I live in a big house, 6 rooms 5 1/2 bathrooms, 7 people total). Little by little we have gotten the three to clean up after themselves, but we had to get very creative and a little aggressive.
The whole point was so that we could all use the kitchen, but I cannot cook in there and it's strange.
So today I went to get a feel for the energy of the kitchen and it was hot, with a really heavy feeling energy. I usually pay more attention to the energy of the people I am around than the space itself.
So this is what I am trying first. I have a bunch of pieces of black onyx that where easy to place around the kitchen discreetly, and a piece of selenite that I can part with for some time. I placed the selenite under the fridge and made a grid with the onyx. I also sprinkled sea salt all over the floor and counter lightly enough that it cannot be seen. That was all I had on hand today.
I did notice a difference after just a few moments. The air smelled cleaner and the energy began to lighten.
Anybody have any other ideas about what I can do to scrub the energy in that room?
My mother is the narc in my life and I have a few close relatives who have strong narc tendencies.
I still have not gotten to the point where I can talk to my mom. I try but the backlash is so severe it's never worth.
As a child anytime I was doing well she would work had to mess things up. That energy is still in her and strongly directed at me.
She's 2,000 miles away, i talk to her on the phone, the next few days are horrible. It's also the reason I haven't moved back home yet. I want to be strong enough to stand her energy.
I was afraid of becoming her for a long time. One day I just decided to embrace it, only because for me the faster I run from something the quicker I get there. After doing that I realized that there will always be some part of her in me, I did grow up with her. However that does not mean my intention toward life and others has to be the same.
I am not her, how I respond to life is proof enough of this. Now if I could just keep her energy from drowning me without being halfway across the country, that'll be interesting.
Here's the dream...
So I was a young boy, which I have never been. I was living with a family who was hiding me. I was being hid because I was from Jupiter I think.
We where found out and they tried to run. The original couple that was hiding me was captured, maybe killed.
I was in the car with a different couple and lots of police cars where lined up on the streets. We couldn't get out when suddenly I used my hands to make a pulling gesture. Then trees came out of the ground and slammed into the police cars and made a way.
There where also these messages that kept appearing to me in a language I've never seen. I used a similar gesture to make them disappear in order to protect myself.
We got away and I woke up.
In the past I have tended to be viewed as an extremely emotionally unstable person. People have shied away from me and the energy of my life was just difficult.
Fortunately for me I am a determined, open minded, fast learner. Once I decide I want change I work hard for it. I accept that there will be difficulties and am not afraid to be broken down by those difficulties because I trust myself to get through it.
With that being said here is what I have learned.
It is an understatement to say that we are all different. I have found for myself that most of the conventional methods for dealing with empathy do not work very long for me. These things do.
The first and newest tool for me is fasting . I began this a little over a month ago and once I did my first full day, I noticed an immediate change. I also learned even more just how food affects me.
I noticed that I could feel people more deeply and that the energies left me as soon as I was no longer in their presence. I am an experimenter of sorts so I tried different methods and analyzed their effectiveness.
The most effective approach I found was what some would call a super fast.
I consume absolutely nothing. Not even water. After the first 12 hours I noticed my body begin to chill and my heart beat slow. During sleep, which was hard to accomplish, I felt my mind completely empty itself. It felt as though the energy was being pulled out of me. When I awoke I felt amazing. The heaviness of the world was present but not inside of me. Later that coolness that felt seemed as though it was energizing my body. I still had plenty of energy in fact I felt I had more. Large crowds where a bit overwhelming the first time but not so much that I had to remove myself.
The second method that has greatly improved my quality of life includes an herb heavy diet. For myself I have found mint to be very useful. It is the most effective when I consume herbs first after a fast. I either eat or drink them in a tea or broth. I have learned what I believe to be the true meaning about our living in a digital world. Using herbs as an example, a lot of what today's medicine attempts to do herbs can naturally do, without the side effects. For me medicine is the digital mimicry of the analogous herb.
Following with the digital v.s analog idea I view a lot of food items in the same way. In doing so I have changed how often I eat. With chakras the emotions are processed in the sacral chakra which is by the stomach. Being that empathy deals with emotions and most empaths I talk to have issues with their stomach I believe that is why fasting has had such a great effect for me. I have taken it a step further and most days I only eat once. I know this sounds extreme however I have also found it to work greatly for me. The reason I chose this way of consuming foods is because of how I feel when I do this. I feel good and at peace with myself. I wait 12 hours between meals and I will consume food for up to a 4 hour period.
Another change I have made is how I speak. I try to only speak in terms of I, unless I am directly addressing someone. When I do this I feel the energy of people change both within themselves and towards me. It is also my way of fully acknowledging that we are all different. Things that I may find helpful may not be helpful to another. Words are also very crude symbolic representations of things they could never truly explain. Even all the things I have written thus far could be interpreted by another in terms completely contrary to what I mean to express.
I have found that changing my view of myself, particularly with relationship to the world we live in has also relieved a great deal of stress. I am different, I view the world differently, even from those who are like minded. Sometimes those differences are very small, but I have found it useful to give respect to even the smallest part of myself. In doing this I have felt life open up for me. Even the way I interact with the world has changed for the greater. I do not expect myself to fit into any category nor do I expect to be understood.
I also listen to myself fully and trust myself, even if my thinking seems crazy. As I have said earlier I believe words to be crude symbols of what is. Even my own interpretation of what I am feeling is a crude representation of what my intuition is trying to show me. So rather than try to fully understand I simply trust myself. The more I do this, the greater my understanding has become and the better my days are, even the bad ones. Even when they I bad, I knew, without knowing, what I was getting into, so I am able to handle it.
I have let go of the concept of morality. I have often read or heard stories told of an event by several people involved in said situation. What I have noticed is several interpretations all of which defining their moral rightness in the situation. When I hear with an open mind I can understand where all are coming from and I can also see how we got so disconnected and judgemental of one another. I interpret what it means to be moral different from the next person, and because of this I find it impossible to live harmoniously with others using moral guidelines. Instead I do not worry about right and wrong, I give attention to what is and if it is possible to change, or if change is even needed.
Lastly I have changed I view my existence. I do not take in the world as others do. Most of what I feel does not even belong to me. Once I accepted that as my reality, dealing with others has become easy. For example when I engage in a conversation and feel nervous or angry, or whatever I feel, it is more often than not the other person feeling nervous, or angry, or whatever. I do not just see the world with my eyes nor do I simply feel myself, I feel the world.
This is common wisdom, but I disagree. New born babies do not love themselves or anybody else. They learn to love if they are lucky enough to have loving parents. So the love comes from outside first, and then they learn to see themselves as lovable beings. So, I would say the truth might be completely opposite: You can only love yourself in extent that you have been loved by others (caregivers, spouses etc).
I am not one of those lucky babies. My parents were alcoholics, and my father was extremely abusive mentally and physically, at least according to my mother. Well, he is dead now.
So, I tried a type of fast yesterday. I won't go into the specifics of what I did exactly. It was a work of my own creation, more of an experiment of you will.
Why I was at work I noticed a great change. Things that would normally be overwhelming just weren't. They where annoying. I maybe even got angry but it wasn't all consuming. I felt connected but not drowned by the world. I was even in the city which I hate. However it was like being there completely went over my head.
Has anyone else ever had this experience during a fast?
Cuz I gotta say it felt good! Like addiction worthy good.