Tools for Empaths
Thank you. I delivered your response to my friend <3
The doctor said basically same things as . It is normal to feel own heartbeat and feel like your hands and legs are shaked by each pulsation, especially if you are HSP that suffers from lack of sleep and depression/anxiety. And its normal even if it makes falling asleep harder. So everything is fine, just annoying.
How do you connect with it?
I will see doctor first as you suggested. I have almost not slept lately so will go there anyway. I feel like I need whole hospital or Im gonna die soon. In this condition I usually want to run away from everyone, but I need to get things done. I want out.
Thank you again.
I wonder. Do you tend to feel your heartbeat? It was said to be normal from time to time, yet personally I feel it almost all the time. And blood pumping in my neck, arms, legs, head.
Did you have or do you have something similar? And what do you know about this?
Thank you <3
There is many kinds of these articles in web. Those were one of first I checked when I just got familiar with empaths and who they are. Personally for me its :
Others happened too, but not very often. So I don't think they are my actual types.
It works for me when I don't think about it mostly. During these times I seem to accept that I was sensing it, when its successful. Like in that ball example. I walk at the edge of forest, then turn my head to left and walk a bit in left direction and stand, then even more left, few steps. After that I turn around and ball is there is bushes behind me.
When I think about it and analyze that "it could most likely be there". I just consider it as lucky guess.
I don't think I can feel peoples physical pain on distance. I mean when someone hits his finger with hammer -I do twitch and act like someone spooked me, startled me. Mostly I feel something in back of my neck when this happening, some kind of tension and also in my chest. Inside my chest I also feel a bit, like I winds blown out everything out of there and its empty for a moment. But if you talk about do I feel same pain in finger -I am not sure. It usually comes to me later when I think about finger being hit by hammer. I think its more about that I imagine the pain other person has, not actually feel it. I think its more like with HSP, not empath. Yet again in that case I feel some kind "special attention" at my finger then. Like its some separate special body part.
About sensing pain in other people. I often was told that I sense it correctly with my hands. As I wrote you before -they are very hot...Even now I look at flat side of my hand and its more red, not normal skin color. When I shake hands of other people -their hands are almost always colder. I met only few people in my life who had same temperature of hands like mine. And I really enjoy touching cold hands or objects. My friends and my mother was telling me that I sense exactly where they got pains on shoulders or back. I do it by hovering my hands close to body and try to find spots that are different from others. Sometimes they are colder, sometimes hotter, sometimes I just feel that I must put my hand here. I really cant say if this is actually true or not. But its like this.
I don't remember something like that with TV shows, unless I heard answers I need to lock and pick up intuitively right one. That happened often.
But sometimes I just know stuff out of nowhere. Like when something breaks I just find correct spot easily where damage is. Or solving some puzzles without thinking at all very fast, of course the more complicated they are -the more time it takes. Or when kids play ball and kick it somewhere in forest, then they come to me to ask for help to find it I walk straight to that ball and find it without any directions told. But it happens sometimes, not all the time. I do often hear people say "How did you knew it/this/those were over there?" or "How did you find it?" or "Where did you learned that from?".
And thank you for all your replies <3
I don't go to churches at my own will. Went there only as a part of some road trip in another cities or countries, or when I had to with class. I don't believe in god (and don't want to discuss this topic). And every single time I remember since childhood -churches always affected me in bad way. I am not me in there, constantly like I am troubled, start acting weird because I just sense not right stuff.
Good that it passed. Wish we could help you somehow, but there was so many options personally for me to pick from to suggest something.
About what you wrote. Its really oki. Though I see sense in sentences, yet unable to compile it to something whole. When I read it -there is just too many questions coming to my mind. Did I understood it right or it means something else.
Maybe I just need to sleep. Its 2:50 here lol
Is there a topic on forum with everything that empaths can use to help themselves? I mean like complete list with all gathered experience?
That why this reference is so close. And I met people suffering from it a lot, helped them. The difference it, that when narc or any other energy vampire is done -they leave only one gift for you, the only one they can give -emptiness. They give you -nothing. From that emptiness it is able to recover when you move aside to something new and accept what they did in previous, not to let them do it again in "new" you. While black hole narcs have stays in the center of their chest all the time, in their emptiness.
But here I think we talk about different thing. Its not about soul sucking narc. More like being sucked and stuck in that black holes "event horizon". Something pulls you, something you cant see with eyes on dark background of black matter. And people here want options to get released from it. It does not have to be narcissist. Can be anyone.
Salt baths did not help, grounding, cord cutting ritual either. What other options there can be to stop this strange connection? Time? Right thoughts? Deep self exploration?
And from issues people write here I get a feeling, that people here really don't like to open up. Because its personal. But the benefit of forum is, that we don't know each other in real life. Does it not give you feeling of being more at ease? The more details is given -the easier it is to find correct solution. Like with meds...Doctor always ask his patient lots of questions, takes samples and checks you before giving recipe for correct method of treating something. You cant suggest something you are not sure about, makes you bad doctor.
Empaths are great and understanding listeners. If it is personal and you cant tell it and open up. What if this is the issue, you need to tell? Helped me in many cases personally, opening up to correct person. Shared bad stuff -is half bad stuff. And its alright to open up. If nowhere else -then here.
I really wish we would talk more about this, but not here. Because this topic is not about what we are talking about now and basically right now we are burying issues of two people here who seek help. Further more I wish those messages would be moved into some other topic.
We can talk in another topic about this or in PMs. But I see it as wrong and rude to continue it here.
Yes. I know well how empath-narc relationship goes. Actually its how I became aware. Narcissism projection, which made me look for the topics about narcissist, because if I got even something common -I want it away. In these topics I stumbled across word "Empath", read about it and pointed finger at screen while saying to myself "Hey...That is me O_O, the empath ". And then "Hey! This is exacltly how our relationship went O_O ".
And how you described it too...Crawl out from depression...I even lost job, though Im happy that I did, because it was a terrible place for HSP. After I lost it -next day I at least felt that I can breathe, not just force my every breath.
But this topic is not about this and about me ehe So I will stop.
Simply put. It means exactly that. I use this reference myself too in same cases. Furthermore we all feel this blackhole in ourselves too from time to time. The difference is that people release it and push it away to not feed something that never gets enough and thus get better, heal themselves. This is what narcissist and toxic, energy vampires cant do. They are unable to release and set free that black hole inside them at all or not by themselves.
But as I mentioned it can also reference something you got sucked in and cant get out. Once you get into specific point in black hole, into so called "event horizon" -you cant get out of it anymore. You want to get out -but you cant. Not normally by yourself.
Almost as negativity.
Is reference. Just imagine a blackhole. What blackholes do? Basically suck in everything they come near and as it is...Nothing comes out of it. Also in this reference blackholes do one thing...They just take in everything they can and never stop, like its never enough for them. And they just eat, eat, eat. All light that goes into blackhole -never comes out. And it grows and grows, gets bigger and stronger with time, the more it devours.
So it is possible reference to person that only takes (good things), but does not gives back anything equal, except possible bad stuff by taking good stuff, leaving you with all the bad, darkness. In any way it happens, physical, energy or mental. You don't have to know that person in life, maybe someone who just was walking past you in a crowd and it can connect and start "sucking" you. Which leaves being sucked person with different weird/nagative feelings and emotions on again all those physical - energy levels.
The way I understand this word, which have came across in my life very often from others I was helping.
It is also possible that blackhole is like force that pulls other, but why? Who would want to be pulled by blackhole? Yet they are pulled without reason. Like it was stated in his post.
It seems like you are only one bothered by that? In that case being paid for that will most likely be problematic, because you will in first place doing it for yourself in the eyes of others, for your peace.
Another thing. Do you really have to tell the pastor that church is haunted? Possible other words? Just tell that this specific place is giving you creeps (its normal for some places creep out people, even from the view of psychology) and you would like someone to perform some cleansing rituals with you to feel more at peace there? You can always try before you lower your hands. I'm sure in church must have helping souls that would agree to help you with that or?
Also in all churches I was in -I felt that they have really bad energy. And as empath who is highly attuned to energy of places I agree with you...Churches need frequent cleansing. All those people go there to pray during hard times, ask for strength during difficult times, for help when its hard. It all leaves mark on the place too...
Wish I could help you with that personally there, but Im here.
Word "force" is extremely correct. It is forcing as I go now. I really don't like the process of caring myself, especially at beginning of it, but try to ease up that "I don't want it" with thoughts that afterwards I will feel better and more fresh. I wonder how other people here make caring themselves easier task so it will be less with "forcing".
Thank you for your reply!
Now that you mention it -I really did go to logic, in other words started to think about answers as you wrote. Haven't noticed it back then. Could reason be that I became too exited then?
And how intuition feels? Haven't payed attention at it before, everything on autopilot. And what things do affect it in worse way?
Yes. I already took my part in this poll you created ^^
"Yes for both. I love to live at night, even if im tired. At nights I feel somehow more clear and calm. I do wake up a lot. I can wake up maybe 2 or 3 times during night. Changing my position a lot. Sometimes I wake up and half of my blanket is on floor. So I guess Im pretty "wild" when I sleep, ehe ^^"
That is correct, but as I told -its a bit hard, because of restless mind always processing something. Try to "turn it off" -you cant sleep because you keep the switch in "turn off" position, then you stop that and it flips back on ahaha. So I guess pills are best option. Need truly to try that melatonin, but don't know if I will be able to buy it now. No work -not much money.
That is also very true. At nights when I get good sleep I feel like I lost 20 kilograms of weight and there is some kind of shine of warm emptiness inside, not the bad emptiness, but good one, when you feel like you want to do things and lots of them, not like you are missing something inside. Not the emptiness that sucks you in and makes you want to become crumpled like paper in trash bin. And also other people affect you less, you take bad stuff with less impact, both with words and all the other ways, convert negative to positive in a blink of the eye. Feel unaffected.
I don't know how I will manage this and outcomes. I still forget to take good care of myself often...I think my mind is the one that stops me. Feeling like there is not enough time in whole life to process every thought, so I just continue to sit and think. Only caring myself, when I stumble across the though that "I must now, it is time".
So today I was sitting and thinking about intuition and such. Basically it happened after I played a game, where was a puzzle lock that I had to crack...And I cracked it without solving the puzzle, because I was too lazy to think. Basically that puzzle had thousands of possible combination. At fist I just spin it randomly, but then cleared my mind and did the first combination that felt right to me and it was correct. I don't know if it was extremely rare occasion of luck or actually I felt the right combination for it, which changes every time in game to a new one.
After that I started to do some intuition involving test and got pretty high scores. The test were basically guessing tests. But after few high scores with few of them -I suddenly started to do more mistakes than correct answers, basically opposite than at beginning. Is this normal? Can intuition disappear and become wrong suddenly? Is there some kind of limit or something must be kept up for it to keep going in right direction?
Yes. I became aware in the end of 2017. People suggested me a lot of stuff, but I decided to put it aside for now and started first to study my largest issue -being HSP, reading books about that. So I am not very experienced with all this energy thing yet, though I do wear crystals, they help.
Ahaha. That is true. Or personally in my case it is also "I don't want to sleep" club. Too much stuff to process, no time to sleep. There was topic on this forum about Emapth and bad sleep being connected. People answered positively on that one, so seem to be pretty common. Insomnia, restless sleep..Waking up with your pillow and blanket on floor ahah. Waking up for no reason during night multiple times...Dog sleep, when you sleep but hear, feel everything, even that you lay on bed and know that your eyes are closed. Lots of those -_-
Need to try that melatonin. Never tried before, though I was suggested...Maybe my dislike to meds affected that, because mostly they give me weird senses, like bitter taste for rest of the day or feeling like I am dried from inside. And I know that melatonin is natural and completely friendly to body. Its just...Pills, tablets, meds. Dont like them much.
Yes. People suggested to write down all strange stuff I experience and so I do ehe
Yes. That is exactly same story here. Especially when you try to help people see things with more wide angle. Very commonly during that I just sense that people realize, that there is a lot things they are not considering, yet don't want to take it and they try to act like they are higher in "food chain" than you. Start to show like they have some dominating position over me, in other words try to put me down.
Thank you for your concern, but I am good with this issue. When people act arrogant -I learned from teenage to turn on "whatever" state. I only take more time and patience with people that are dear to me and those who ask for my view on things from the side.
In situations like this I personally still give doubt to my senses. And actually feel deep interest to people that give me odd feelings, talk to them more to find confirmation or reassurance. Its mostly clumsy conversation, but all that is needed is them to talk. Rarely, but there is actually wrong reading my senses give after first seeing certain people. No matter how well someone reads people -only time gives right to put a seal on someone. I think this is exactly why its better to be silent and observe at first and open mouth later if there is truly need.
I dont have much stress in my life right now, but there is still unresolved issues, yes. No work, basically only sitting home, walking, resting and slowly looking for new working place. Though I did felt restless for last two days.
This whole dream came not in a single night, but during period for over a month. So it did progress during this time from beginning to that gunfight end. It was progressing slowly, but nothing changed in my life. Haven't seen them after I wrote about it yet. That is why I wrote about it here, because it was pretty long "session" of same story that progressed slowly, but with spaces between them, not every night.
I don't sleep so well lately, but mostly its because pollen allergy. And I don't know what issue it could represent.
I get tingling sensations often, but not in this dream. I felt more like...Winds were blowing out of me in environment and then just odd feeling, something between being numb and not at same time, like I got cotton wool inside. Its a bit hard to explain with few words..
Thank you for your reply. Will follow events in my life to see if there was meaning.
I want to help, but something tells me, that more educated empaths will be better with that. I mean about energy.
I myself became aware not so long ago and just began exploring this new world of everything.
I really don't want to suggest something I am not sure about yet. But if you want to talk about something -I'm happy to talk. From things I learned during my life -I know that talking is first step to release bad stuff.
For me it is family. And also friends, which I have none.
I am hiding myself from family. Completely cold with them, because like one of forum members said -its my way to cope and in 30 years it became natural. After I became aware -I tried to explain to them many times how I work. I was not saying that I am empath. Just that I am HSP and Introvert. But gave up, because they don't even want to hear about introverts. My mother asks for explanations for my behaviors, but seems like she does not hear them and I am tired explain same things over and over again, reasons. And my dad just gives me sarcastic laughs and "facepalms".
With friends. Some of them I removed from my life, because they are in my life only when I feel good and they feel bad. And others just could not understand reasons of my behaviors and over time disappeared. No luck making new friends.
Linked to someone absent is like missing something in your case? Obvious thing, but have you tried cord cutting ritual already?
And also. Possibly. Maybe you just feel deep wish to talk to someone about what you feel and why? Do you have that person? Maybe that will release you?
I understand that this is empath forum, energy, vibrations and so. Yet things not only spin around energy and those vibrations. Sometimes its just basic human stuff and empath or not we are still humans and answer can be more simple. Maybe it has nothing to do with energy at all. What I mean, that if you could give us more info -maybe we could guess less how to help you. You are certain its energy? Because restlessness does not always have something to do with energy.
Hello my wonderful empath community!
I really need ask for your help again. This time about dreams. And I would not write about this otherwise, yet my dreams came in very strange way and I feel very odd because of them. Could they mean something. Also this is not one of the "sweetest" dreams, which ends in a bad way.
It was for about a one and half month, since I saw dreams how someone was stealing and doing things for their own reasons. The dreams I saw came once in week or twice, but never in a row. Every time same place, same people and same person stealing something while no one sees. Yet today was different. Because today in my dream that person killed someone other, because he has been exposed and I believe covered his tracks.
Dream in details :
It was clearly some kind of university or high school. There was tables, long ones. I think it was some kind laboratory, because there was laboratory bottles and equipment everywhere, electronics, computers. My dream started by seeing a group of young guys at teachers table talking about something. I don't remember what they were talking about, but they were really happy about something. Laughing, smiling. I saw this dream once and it was first. Did not give it much meaning back then and its the most blurry one from all. I clearly remember one guy was wearing some kind of "Hawaii" shirt.
After that I started to see dreams about same place. Sometimes I saw dreams about this place at night. Its when I saw a person, whose face I never seen. He was walking at night in that room alone with flashlight. Though he used it carefully sometimes turning on and sometimes off. He was touching lab equipment, taking small things like flash drivers, CDs, circuits and especially spent a lot time at computer on teachers table searching for something or observing something. This person seemed to wear a hoodie of some kind and kept his hood on his head.
I cant remember the pattern of dreams but sometimes in that dream things happened during night and sometimes during day. At night that person was looking trough stuff, stealing and looking at PC and during day the young people seemed confused of what was happening. Once I saw that group arguing with each other. I think its because things got missing and it affected whatever they were doing. I saw clear aggression in them at each other. Yelling, blaming, irritation.
I saw both day and night events for 2-3 times while sleeping at night. But today I saw dream at same place where that "shadow" person killed one of those young people. It was night again, the person walked around the room and like before touched and examined everything around, looked at PC. The regular things he has done before in my dreams. Yet before he was leaving he pulled his hood down to cover half oh his face and for some reason he looked at the room as whole and noticed cameras in corner, which was not there before (At this point of dream I became aware that I am actually sleeping and dreaming, but did not wake up)
After seeing cameras that person became afraid and I felt afraid, also alert and panic. He kept his hand on hood and pulled it down, while moving to cameras. He was looking at cords and where they lead. There was 3 cameras and they all were different in size, possibly those "students" owned. The shadow person ran to them, turned on flashlight and inspected cameras. He took tapes out of some of them, turned them away to not film this room, then he followed cords and disconnected them from some "modem" sized devices, which he took with him. After that he ran to PC and started looking trough it contents again. I felt fear and panic this whole time. Then this person turned around on chair to leave only to be startled by a man in red shirt standing behind him and watching what he is doing. That man was just giving the "shadowy" person a judging look and after that opened a teachers table drawer and pulled gun out of it. My own feeling of fear, panic was enhanced with anger. Also I sensed that man in red shirt wanted to use gun just to hold a shadow person until police would arrive. He started to load gun with bullets, but the shadowy person started to try and take it off his hands and he managed that and shoot man in red shit in chest.
Then It seemed like this moment reversed back in time. This person started to feel calm again and I felt that I am calm too. And that shadowy person successfully stood up from chair in front of PC. He started to walk around the room for last time, like he was looking if he left something of his own things behind, covered tracks. I felt anger once again and after that shadowy person turned towards exit only to see this same man in red shirt again, but this time he had his gun with him already, again same fight to try and get the gun out of his hands, again success. But this time a man in red shirt was shot in head and when he fell on floor -his head landed on a red pillow. That pillow was small like the ones people use with sofas.
Panic and fears returned in addition to worry. The shadowy person was looking around like he was searching some solution for situation he is in. Then he grabbed the body and threw it out of window after which I saw endless count of rats before my eyes, burning barrels, ocean. Then I woke up.
This is all odd for me, because for over a month I was seeing dreams about this room, shadowy person and that group of young people a lot to remember this dream. At some moments I felt like I was walking this room freely, at some moments I was seeing what that shadowy person does like I was him. I'm sure all people in these dreams were male gender.
After seeing rats, barrels and ocean I woke up. But I woke up slowly and in calm way, yet felt very odd.
I really need help to see if this dream has meaning? Because it feels like it does. Maybe someone or me could have problems in life that is not recognized yet. Please could you say what you think, know, suggest looking at?
Thank you. And warmth to all your hearts <3
Hi, Hana and everyone else!
I'm sorry I did not write here immediately, but you gave me so much thoughts to think about that everything else just vanished from my life. But I think that I could say that I am finally almost recovered from my struggles and pains, found out a lot about myself. Thank you and everyone else for that.
Hope you all are doing alright <3
Oh. There is a lot of responses, thank you ^^ For everyones wish to help ^^ But I think I will need to reread everything few times, because of my way of thinking...To analyze everything ^^ Need to take it slowly...
Yes...Keeping everything inside can get extremely hard sometimes. I just got used to it. Still its better to open up sometimes, yes...To do something about it quickly, before it causes more damage to other people.
Eh...My way of thinking is like...I'm constantly confusing myself ^^ I don't know if its depression, but it sure is if you are so familiar with subject. In my mind I just ask myself "Am I depressed? What are symptoms of depression? Do I experience these symptoms? What if I actually read my feelings wrong and they are not what I think they are? Uh. And from where definition of these feelings even came from? From first human that experienced it? But how I can know how that person felt and compare to myself?"...There...Already got confused and gone somewhere far away ^^ Ehe ^^ Im like that ^^
I was abused and bullied a lot as a child too. But its not something that bothers me anymore and does not bring any negative or positive feelings. Just some thoughts and wondering about how lives of some of these people are now.
Its not long since we separated. And like always with narcissists it was ugly separation. She went away about 4 months ago. But during these 4 months there was a lot of violent arguing, blames, projections and all other stuff that narcissist do. Last 2 things, projections and blames are actually what I feel are just pissing me off right now, since I finally woke up. While in my minds I understand this kind of behavior and its root...Still I am very mad. It feels, like there is flame in my heart, except it is not made from fire, but from boiling blood, that just sucks more blood from every limb of me and gets bigger and boils stronger...
I try to care myself, but I am honestly very bad at it...I just think I am just a person that does not need much for comfort. Or maybe I just never experienced more? But I try to do more for myself still ^^ And this may sound strange...But its hard to care myself for me O_o
Burning note could work ^^ I remember I wrote a letter with regrets and my feelings, that I wanted to put into a bottle and throw into the sea in capital city, thankfully I woke up before I did it. Maybe note burning can help ^^ I will try ^^ I hope I wont burn the paper, while I will write though, ehe ^^
I really hope one day you will overcome all these struggles you have and will feel free from them completely.
I really cant answer if I picked it up from someone. Maybe its spirit...By the way I saw shadowy figure few times today at work, when I was completely alone. Few times it scared me, but I never got good look at it, because it disappeared fast. I just think I saw black pants..Maybe just some mind and eye trick, I do have some problems with my sight lately. Everything is blurry and no matter if object is close or far...Its just blurry, has some blur around it all the time, like gravity, that bends the light or mirage in desert. But this figure really frightened me few times today. Good thing no one saw my sudden scares...Also today I felt difficulty to breathe. I don't know if these are related to anger anyhow.
Also my dad gets angry easily sometimes. But I'm not sure its from him. He was pretty calm lately, despite me being like complete rebel...
Its been time since I noticed anything strange in my home, except for a bird that made a habit to fly to my balcony, while there is basically nothing for her. No food, no cigarette thumbs or something to steal. That bird just flies inside, sits a bit on my outside lantern for candles, flies inside a balcony a bit more and then leaves. It happened many times already. While it made me happy, but this kind of behavior is just strange for me O_o Or maybe because I'm not an expert in "bird psychology", ehe ^^ I checked it in internet. It was bird called "Eurasian blue tit". I read also in internet, that it could be a sign of news.
I will google about psi ball O_O Sounds interesting O_o
I do walk in circles from one problem to another, yes. I always try to "survive" with natural way...I really fear medicines, chemicals and stuff like that. Don't want to take those. I want to experience all as it really is, no matter how hard it is. So different techniques is my way in everything, or some natural products ^^ Like warm tea, with lemon and honey, when I am sick ^^
I do feel, like I need deep rest. I don't even know how long. Maybe week, maybe month or half year. I don't think about that, but that I really need a lot of time...You hit the center of the target there. Trouble is I just cant get this deep rest with everyone spinning around me, judging what I need from their own perspective and needs. I got a feeling that it will be hard and long road, that's why I exactly think that I need a lot of time...
Thank you for reply. I will read more about adrenal fatiique...Uh..I feel like uneducated student right now ^^
Yes. I love crystals ^^ They do affect me a lot. Actually yesterday I could not get sleep, because of my anger. So I decided to sit in peace a bit, while wearing my crystals. Its been time I put them on, because I had no work, because of being sick. I used powerful black tourmaline, soothing lepidolite, magical labradorite and calming malachite. After hour or so anger became weaker and I finally got sleep around 7 am ^^
Actually after that, my anger changed to sudden bursts, that appear and disappear. Right now I feel a bit better, but still feel like I don't want to see anyone. Still feel, that if my phone rings -it will start to annoy me and wont take long for me to become angry again...
I don't know any empaths in my country. I wish I would, but all I meet are just regular people, that don't usually care to listen more than few minutes and then just give some cheap response, like "Its gonna be alright". Basically only trough internet I can connect with other empaths and HSP and I am very happy that I can do that and thank you that you exist ^^
And thank you for sharing this link for book. I already started to read it during breaks at work, it really got my attention. It also helps me to distract from my constant thoughts. ^^
You all wrote a lot, thank you, really ^^ I just need to take it slowly, like a sloth. One thing at a time, because of my branching mind. So I will need time...Also I hope I wrote all this in positive enough way to burden you all less ^^
Health and joy to you all ^^ Good night ^^
I was thinking long before writing this, because I really don't like to burden people much with what troubles me, to complain and so on, because I experience that on my own hide a lot too and know how it can feel tiresome sometimes. Still I decided that I need some advice or support from here, because I feel all alone in this situation.
What troubles me again are bursts of negativity, anger and sadness again. I try to keep them all inside and not burden anyone and release only positive thinking, but its so extremely hard after December...I just want to run from everyone and hide.
I did meditation and cord cutting ritual again, but they don't help me for long. Maximum for one day. Furthermore I'm mostly sitting at home and hiding from everyone now so other people don't affect me much.
I don't know why am I like this, but I just feel hatred inside of me, how it eats me and I cant get rid of it again. I try to be good to my parents, friends, but I just cant...I feel constantly that I run on minimum energy, constantly tired. Sometimes I feel I hate myself because of that, but feel no power to struggle against it, while in my mind I see how I am slowly turning into some kind of monster, which just tortures me more.
I constantly push everyone I know well away in aggressive and straight manner. Inside I know its wrong, inside I know that people are just afraid about what is happening to me, but still something inside of me is stronger than these thoughts, which makes me hurt people around me and seem like I don't care them at all. In reality I constantly think about how they are doing, asking myself these questions, but I just cant pick up the phone and ask them, because I am afraid to start conversation with them afterwards. I wonder how they are, but just don't want to talk with them. Just to know that everyone is alright and stop thinking about that.
It is especially hard with my parents. Though I made them accept, that I don't want to spend long time with anyone, but they constantly show me their care and fear about my condition, exactly what I feel I need less now. It really drains me and annoys me, makes me angry. I tried to explain, but they think that their way of showing care and making me be with people is what will help me, though it just makes me more annoyed with each time and less patient. Sometimes I feel like I want them all to disappear, everyone to disappear. My mother is constantly panicking, like I will disappear from her life forever...My father like always just says "go and find that door out already from your condition". But I don't know where door is...Living and working right now is already very hard for me.
I constantly want to write my EX something very rude and open up the pain she caused me, that I hold inside. Every time I pick up phone, but after opening her contact -put it back away. All this pain and mistreatment I gathered during all this time just wants out and I feel like it will be longest and most dirty and terrible text ever written to anyone. I'm stopping myself now, because once again I feel it is wrong, because after all I am a man, and because of thoughts that it wont change anything, because of her NPD. But the urge to write is so strong...Urge to release all what I have inside...Sometimes I fear I wont be able to stop myself and just write something nasty to her. I am really pissed off and angry at her, not because we separated, but because the way it happened. While I understand her actions and reasons -this all still eats me from inside...
I constantly search new people to talk to, but feel inside like I am forever a "white crow" among black ones. Over time in few days I feel, that I lose my interest in that or this person and seek new people again. This makes me feel, that I am unreliable and not trustworthy, because I leave people this easily. I don't push them away, but stop showing much interest in conversations we have. I asked myself if I am only after attention? I do like attention, yes, but usually receive it by making people laugh at silly things I do, not that I am trying to get it by complaining (which I try always to hold inside) or manipulating it out of people.
And the last one...The most major energy sucker I have. I again got this "chronic sadness". I'm constantly sad and nothing I do just makes this sadness to go away. I'm sad about everything. About people around, about things in the world, about myself, about my life, about life of others, about everything. While I try to always be happy around others and in conversations -inside I am very sad and in despair. Yet I don't want to open up...Don't want to burden anyone, especially people, that actually ask "What is wrong with you?".
I don't feel like I have a depression...Or maybe I just don't understand what depression is.
Here on forum...I start to read something, but then feel like I just don't have strength to read it till the end. I see people that need help here, inside my mind I'm already rising my hands to write, but then again I stop, because I feel like I just cant take it and it will drain last energy out of me.
I feel like I want to find some shiny orb of energy somewhere and just absorb it, to have energy like in beginning of the last year, except there is no orb like that. I don't know what to do and what is wrong with me again...And now I want to delete everything I wrote, but I think I will post it and go against myself...I usually don't expect anyone to understand what is inside of me, still maybe here people will point out not at how I am whining and weak, but actually at something that can resolve this issue, to give some advice once again or point at something I cant see in myself.
I'm writing this, because I feel I cant go like this anymore. This all just eats me from inside and kills me. I fear I am emotionally dying from inside. I cant resolve this on my own. Most likely I wont reply even on this post unless more information is needed...Just will read what you will say.
And I'm sorry for bringing this negativity and troubles here...Hope it wont make anyone too tired.
You mean ringing like on background? The one you hear when you are in bed trying to sleep? If so then it might also be, that you hear blood cells circulating in veins near ears. At least I heard so. I get background high pitched sound all the time when I'm in silence. Or did you mean something else?
Oh yes. Burnout...Even thinking about this word makes me uneasy. It took some time and a lot of talking and rebelling, but eventually my family accepted, that I cant be around people more than for 2-4 hours and then they let me leave home in peace. Without any arguing and "family respect" things. So I don't feel much burned out, just a bit tired and sick because of that. Also having my crystals on me is helping a lot ^^ How is situation there with you??
Yes. I do pay attention a lot. It takes additional energy from me of course, but I get good rest at home in solitude ^^ There is a lot of info here, but I cant read so much. Lately I feel like I got information overload and overthinking too much so I started to slow down a bit ^^ I like my brains raw, not grilled ^^ Slowly I am reading more and more of everything and learn, thank you ^^
Sorry for late reply. In December it feels like I got year amount of birthdays in one month. Also I got sick ^^ Usual things ^^
I was checked my hearing and ears many times during medical examinations. Nothing out of order ^^
Also I sometimes hear like something is clicking in my ears, like some very tiny and microscopic firecracker exploded there.
I still have to pay attention at that so I can say for sure, that I have clairscent ability. Im not sure, but I will be taking notes
I get feelings of places getting strong burns sometimes. Usually its on arms, waist or legs. It feels very strongly sometimes, even painful, which makes me to pat and slap specific places that get feeling like this. Its not so often, maybe 1 or 2 times/ month. But sometimes it can repeat itself many times during single day, which makes me feel uneasy and a bit irritated, like I got bullied ^^
And merry Christmas and happy new year to everyone ^^ <3
You really are in tough situation now It will require much strength from you to break this connection. I wont write what you must do or not. Just will say my thought about your situation and my experiences. Maybe you could take something into account from my words.
Basically narcissism is personality disorder and it takes years of therapy to actually have some effect, if narcissist wishes it him/herself. It is really hard to change personality, but easy to act differently for some periods of time.
What your heart tells you, what your intuition tells you -listen to them. Before I was like you, had people pleaser condition, couldn't even think about myself, only about pain of others and how others would feel. Back then I walked against my inner voice, intuition and heart, same situation as you are now in I think? Which also brought me to relationship with a narcissist woman that I had really rough and hard time to get over.
You said that you know and feel, that you are not meant for each other, so your heart and intuition has already spoken, your inner voice spoke. It must feel now like you are between two choices, which both feel a bit similar and which makes very hard to pick one of them. Think about yourself and feel pain of other, or think about other and still feel pain, because your inner voice tells, that you are wrong again and still will feel regret. Pretty similar these both
Try to ask yourself. What is more worth it? Stop it suddenly and eventually, with time it will get better. It will be hard, because you will have to fight with yourself during that time, but I promise it will get better. Or maybe continue it, this endless circle of fighting your heart and intuition? Both are painful and difference is that in first option you will feel a lot of pain and struggle for some time and then it will release you one day, when you wake up at morning. Or in second option you will feel less painful, but will be under light pain all the time.
You can also wait for that man to make choice for both of you.
You must decide yourself what is best to do. Also I think we both know, that what you wrote is just very narrow and compact version of everything. Its always much more complicated and there is always more. That is second reason why I don't want to suggest any actions from myself yet. But if you decide to break and put stop to it -I personally would go with option.
Also If you want to talk more -You can write to me. I will find time.
Strength to you in this difficult time
So is there any other weird stuff you experience? So I cant pay more attention at everything O_o
I got high pitched ringing in my ears and ant bites on my back very often. Also very often smell something that other people don't. I ask them if they smell some specific smell, but no -they don't and look at me, like I'm crazy...