Forum Activity for @curious-child

Curious Child
@curious-child
01/09/18 04:24:44PM
22 posts

What is wrong with me?


Empath

Oh. There is a lot of responses, thank you ^^ For everyones wish to help ^^ But I think I will need to reread everything few times, because of my way of thinking...To analyze everything ^^ Need to take it slowly...

@cat-whisperer

Yes...Keeping everything inside can get extremely hard sometimes. I just got used to it. Still its better to open up sometimes, yes...To do something about it quickly, before it causes more damage to other people.

Eh...My way of thinking is like...I'm constantly confusing myself ^^ I don't know if its depression, but it sure is if you are so familiar with subject. In my mind I just ask myself "Am I depressed? What are symptoms of depression? Do I experience these symptoms? What if I actually read my feelings wrong and they are not what I think they are? Uh. And from where definition of these feelings even came from? From first human that experienced it? But how I can know how that person felt and compare to myself?"...There...Already got confused and gone somewhere far away ^^ Ehe ^^ Im like that ^^

I was abused and bullied a lot as a child too. But its not something that bothers me anymore and does not bring any negative or positive feelings. Just some thoughts and wondering about how lives of some of these people are now.
Its not long since we separated. And like always with narcissists it was ugly separation. She went away about 4 months ago. But during these 4 months there was a lot of violent arguing, blames, projections and all other stuff that narcissist do. Last 2 things, projections and blames are actually what I feel are just pissing me off right now, since I finally woke up. While in my minds I understand this kind of behavior and its root...Still I am very mad. It feels, like there is flame in my heart, except it is not made from fire, but from boiling blood, that just sucks more blood from every limb of me and gets bigger and boils stronger...

I try to care myself, but I am honestly very bad at it...I just think I am just a person that does not need much for comfort. Or maybe I just never experienced more? But I try to do more for myself still ^^ And this may sound strange...But its hard to care myself for me O_o

@womanwhowalks

@cat-whisperer

Burning note could work ^^ I remember I wrote a letter with regrets and my feelings, that I wanted to put into a bottle and throw into the sea in capital city, thankfully I woke up before I did it. Maybe note burning can help ^^ I will try ^^ I hope I wont burn the paper, while I will write though, ehe ^^

@womanwhowalks

I really hope one day you will overcome all these struggles you have and will feel free from them completely.

I really cant answer if I picked it up from someone. Maybe its spirit...By the way I saw shadowy figure few times today at work, when I was completely alone. Few times it scared me, but I never got good look at it, because it disappeared fast. I just think I saw black pants..Maybe just some mind and eye trick, I do have some problems with my sight lately. Everything is blurry and no matter if object is close or far...Its just blurry, has some blur around it all the time, like gravity, that bends the light or mirage in desert. But this figure really frightened me few times today. Good thing no one saw my sudden scares...Also today I felt difficulty to breathe. I don't know if these are related to anger anyhow.

Also my dad gets angry easily sometimes. But I'm not sure its from him. He was pretty calm lately, despite me being like complete rebel...

Its been time since I noticed anything strange in my home, except for a bird that made a habit to fly to my balcony, while there is basically nothing for her. No food, no cigarette thumbs or something to steal. That bird just flies inside, sits a bit on my outside lantern for candles, flies inside a balcony a bit more and then leaves. It happened many times already. While it made me happy, but this kind of behavior is just strange for me O_o Or maybe because I'm not an expert in "bird psychology", ehe ^^ I checked it in internet. It was bird called "Eurasian blue tit". I read also in internet, that it could be a sign of news.

I will google about psi ball O_O Sounds interesting O_o

@cheshire-cat

I do walk in circles from one problem to another, yes. I always try to "survive" with natural way...I really fear medicines, chemicals and stuff like that. Don't want to take those. I want to experience all as it really is, no matter how hard it is. So different techniques is my way in everything, or some natural products ^^ Like warm tea, with lemon and honey, when I am sick ^^

I do feel, like I need deep rest. I don't even know how long. Maybe week, maybe month or half year. I don't think about that, but that I really need a lot of time...You hit the center of the target there. Trouble is I just cant get this deep rest with everyone spinning around me, judging what I need from their own perspective and needs. I got a feeling that it will be hard and long road, that's why I exactly think that I need a lot of time...

Thank you for reply. I will read more about adrenal fatiique...Uh..I feel like uneducated student right now ^^

@crystalsage

Yes. I love crystals ^^ They do affect me a lot. Actually yesterday I could not get sleep, because of my anger. So I decided to sit in peace a bit, while wearing my crystals. Its been time I put them on, because I had no work, because of being sick. I used powerful black tourmaline, soothing lepidolite, magical labradorite and calming malachite. After hour or so anger became weaker and I finally got sleep around 7 am ^^

Actually after that, my anger changed to sudden bursts, that appear and disappear. Right now I feel a bit better, but still feel like I don't want to see anyone. Still feel, that if my phone rings -it will start to annoy me and wont take long for me to become angry again...

I don't know any empaths in my country. I wish I would, but all I meet are just regular people, that don't usually care to listen more than few minutes and then just give some cheap response, like "Its gonna be alright". Basically only trough internet I can connect with other empaths and HSP and I am very happy that I can do that and thank you that you exist ^^

And thank you for sharing this link for book. I already started to read it during breaks at work, it really got my attention. It also helps me to distract from my constant thoughts. ^^

You all wrote a lot, thank you, really ^^ I just need to take it slowly, like a sloth. One thing at a time, because of my branching mind. So I will need time...Also I hope I wrote all this in positive enough way to burden you all less ^^

Health and joy to you all ^^ Good night ^^

Curious Child
@curious-child
01/07/18 06:18:20PM
22 posts

Please Take An Empath Poll...


Empath

Yes for both.

I love to live at night, even if im tired. At nights I feel somehow more clear and calm.

I do wake up a lot. I can wake up maybe 2 or 3 times during night. Changing my position a lot. Sometimes I wake up and half of my blanket is on floor. So I guess Im pretty "wild" when I sleep, ehe ^^
Curious Child
@curious-child
01/07/18 05:09:47PM
22 posts

What is wrong with me?


Empath

I was thinking long before writing this, because I really don't like to burden people much with what troubles me, to complain and so on, because I experience that on my own hide a lot too and know how it can feel tiresome sometimes. Still I decided that I need some advice or support from here, because I feel all alone in this situation.

What troubles me again are bursts of negativity, anger and sadness again. I try to keep them all inside and not burden anyone and release only positive thinking, but its so extremely hard after December...I just want to run from everyone and hide.

I did meditation and cord cutting ritual again, but they don't help me for long. Maximum for one day. Furthermore I'm mostly sitting at home and hiding from everyone now so other people don't affect me much.

I don't know why am I like this, but I just feel hatred inside of me, how it eats me and I cant get rid of it again. I try to be good to my parents, friends, but I just cant...I feel constantly that I run on minimum energy, constantly tired. Sometimes I feel I hate myself because of that, but feel no power to struggle against it, while in my mind I see how I am slowly turning into some kind of monster, which just tortures me more.

I constantly push everyone I know well away in aggressive and straight manner. Inside I know its wrong, inside I know that people are just afraid about what is happening to me, but still something inside of me is stronger than these thoughts, which makes me hurt people around me and seem like I don't care them at all. In reality I constantly think about how they are doing, asking myself these questions, but I just cant pick up the phone and ask them, because I am afraid to start conversation with them afterwards. I wonder how they are, but just don't want to talk with them. Just to know that everyone is alright and stop thinking about that.

It is especially hard with my parents. Though I made them accept, that I don't want to spend long time with anyone, but they constantly show me their care and fear about my condition, exactly what I feel I need less now. It really drains me and annoys me, makes me angry. I tried to explain, but they think that their way of showing care and making me be with people is what will help me, though it just makes me more annoyed with each time and less patient. Sometimes I feel like I want them all to disappear, everyone to disappear. My mother is constantly panicking, like I will disappear from her life forever...My father like always just says "go and find that door out already from your condition". But I don't know where door is...Living and working right now is already very hard for me.

I constantly want to write my EX something very rude and open up the pain she caused me, that I hold inside. Every time I pick up phone, but after opening her contact -put it back away. All this pain and mistreatment I gathered during all this time just wants out and I feel like it will be longest and most dirty and terrible text ever written to anyone. I'm stopping myself now, because once again I feel it is wrong, because after all I am a man, and because of thoughts that it wont change anything, because of her NPD. But the urge to write is so strong...Urge to release all what I have inside...Sometimes I fear I wont be able to stop myself and just write something nasty to her. I am really pissed off and angry at her, not because we separated, but because the way it happened. While I understand her actions and reasons -this all still eats me from inside...

I constantly search new people to talk to, but feel inside like I am forever a "white crow" among black ones. Over time in few days I feel, that I lose my interest in that or this person and seek new people again. This makes me feel, that I am unreliable and not trustworthy, because I leave people this easily. I don't push them away, but stop showing much interest in conversations we have. I asked myself if I am only after attention? I do like attention, yes, but usually receive it by making people laugh at silly things I do, not that I am trying to get it by complaining (which I try always to hold inside) or manipulating it out of people.

And the last one...The most major energy sucker I have. I again got this "chronic sadness". I'm constantly sad and nothing I do just makes this sadness to go away. I'm sad about everything. About people around, about things in the world, about myself, about my life, about life of others, about everything. While I try to always be happy around others and in conversations -inside I am very sad and in despair. Yet I don't want to open up...Don't want to burden anyone, especially people, that actually ask "What is wrong with you?".

I don't feel like I have a depression...Or maybe I just don't understand what depression is.

Here on forum...I start to read something, but then feel like I just don't have strength to read it till the end. I see people that need help here, inside my mind I'm already rising my hands to write, but then again I stop, because I feel like I just cant take it and it will drain last energy out of me.

I feel like I want to find some shiny orb of energy somewhere and just absorb it, to have energy like in beginning of the last year, except there is no orb like that. I don't know what to do and what is wrong with me again...And now I want to delete everything I wrote, but I think I will post it and go against myself...I usually don't expect anyone to understand what is inside of me, still maybe here people will point out not at how I am whining and weak, but actually at something that can resolve this issue, to give some advice once again or point at something I cant see in myself.

I'm writing this, because I feel I cant go like this anymore. This all just eats me from inside and kills me. I fear I am emotionally dying from inside. I cant resolve this on my own. Most likely I wont reply even on this post unless more information is needed...Just will read what you will say.

And I'm sorry for bringing this negativity and troubles here...Hope it wont make anyone too tired.


updated by @curious-child: 01/07/18 05:10:40PM
Curious Child
@curious-child
12/29/17 02:25:26PM
22 posts

Spirit in my house?


Psychic and Paranormal

@hop-daddy

You mean ringing like on background? The one you hear when you are in bed trying to sleep? If so then it might also be, that you hear blood cells circulating in veins near ears. At least I heard so. I get background high pitched sound all the time when I'm in silence. Or did you mean something else?

@cat-whisperer

Oh yes. Burnout...Even thinking about this word makes me uneasy. It took some time and a lot of talking and rebelling, but eventually my family accepted, that I cant be around people more than for 2-4 hours and then they let me leave home in peace. Without any arguing and "family respect" things. So I don't feel much burned out, just a bit tired and sick because of that. Also having my crystals on me is helping a lot ^^ How is situation there with you??

Yes. I do pay attention a lot. It takes additional energy from me of course, but I get good rest at home in solitude ^^ There is a lot of info here, but I cant read so much. Lately I feel like I got information overload and overthinking too much so I started to slow down a bit ^^ I like my brains raw, not grilled ^^ Slowly I am reading more and more of everything and learn, thank you ^^


updated by @curious-child: 12/29/17 02:26:37PM
Curious Child
@curious-child
12/28/17 05:59:32PM
22 posts

Spirit in my house?


Psychic and Paranormal

Sorry for late reply. In December it feels like I got year amount of birthdays in one month. Also I got sick ^^ Usual things ^^

I was checked my hearing and ears many times during medical examinations. Nothing out of order ^^

Also I sometimes hear like something is clicking in my ears, like some very tiny and microscopic firecracker exploded there.

@cat-whisperer Thank you for the link and I have also read it before ^^ Or maybe I'm confusing something O_o But it seem like I read it before ^^

I still have to pay attention at that so I can say for sure, that I have clairscent ability. Im not sure, but I will be taking notes :)

I get feelings of places getting strong burns sometimes. Usually its on arms, waist or legs. It feels very strongly sometimes, even painful, which makes me to pat and slap specific places that get feeling like this. Its not so often, maybe 1 or 2 times/ month. But sometimes it can repeat itself many times during single day, which makes me feel uneasy and a bit irritated, like I got bullied ^^

And merry Christmas and happy new year to everyone ^^ <3

Curious Child
@curious-child
12/25/17 10:11:53AM
22 posts

Don't know what to do :(


Empath

Hi, Kit-Kat.

You really are in tough situation now :( It will require much strength from you to break this connection. I wont write what you must do or not. Just will say my thought about your situation and my experiences. Maybe you could take something into account from my words.

Basically narcissism is personality disorder and it takes years of therapy to actually have some effect, if narcissist wishes it him/herself. It is really hard to change personality, but easy to act differently for some periods of time.

What your heart tells you, what your intuition tells you -listen to them. Before I was like you, had people pleaser condition, couldn't even think about myself, only about pain of others and how others would feel. Back then I walked against my inner voice, intuition and heart, same situation as you are now in I think? Which also brought me to relationship with a narcissist woman that I had really rough and hard time to get over.

You said that you know and feel, that you are not meant for each other, so your heart and intuition has already spoken, your inner voice spoke. It must feel now like you are between two choices, which both feel a bit similar and which makes very hard to pick one of them. Think about yourself and feel pain of other, or think about other and still feel pain, because your inner voice tells, that you are wrong again and still will feel regret. Pretty similar these both :(

Try to ask yourself. What is more worth it? Stop it suddenly and eventually, with time it will get better. It will be hard, because you will have to fight with yourself during that time, but I promise it will get better. Or maybe continue it, this endless circle of fighting your heart and intuition? Both are painful and difference is that in first option you will feel a lot of pain and struggle for some time and then it will release you one day, when you wake up at morning. Or in second option you will feel less painful, but will be under light pain all the time.

You can also wait for that man to make choice for both of you.

You must decide yourself what is best to do. Also I think we both know, that what you wrote is just very narrow and compact version of everything. Its always much more complicated and there is always more. That is second reason why I don't want to suggest any actions from myself yet. But if you decide to break and put stop to it -I personally would go with @womanwhowalks option.

Also If you want to talk more -You can write to me. I will find time.

Strength to you in this difficult time

8>--§---

Curious Child
@curious-child
12/24/17 04:26:19AM
22 posts

Spirit in my house?


Psychic and Paranormal

@cat-whisperer

@hop-daddy

So is there any other weird stuff you experience? So I cant pay more attention at everything O_o

I got high pitched ringing in my ears and ant bites on my back very often. Also very often smell something that other people don't. I ask them if they smell some specific smell, but no -they don't and look at me, like I'm crazy...

Curious Child
@curious-child
12/22/17 06:16:33AM
22 posts

Spirit in my house?


Psychic and Paranormal

@cat-whisperer

Its sad to hear such tragedy happened. I don't even know what to say... :( I hope everyone recovered from it without trauma :(

I need to rest and think a bit now. Everything is oki. I'm just slow at processing things. Please be well, everyone :)

Curious Child
@curious-child
12/21/17 04:08:28AM
22 posts

Spirit in my house?


Psychic and Paranormal

@cat-whisperer

Thank you for your reply ^^ I was actually surprised myself that it worked so well from the first time O_O I remember when I was child and teenager I was drawing a lot. Different spirits, mystical creatures, animals, plants, angels, and so on. But after I started to dampen/destroy my emotions for few years, because I wanted to be like other people -that urge disappeared. Now from a long time I want to draw again and I will :3

Please be well ^^

@hop-daddy

Thank you for reply ^^ Yes. I think its time to find better name. Actually I was feeling that it needs to be done, because it felt, like it has negative impact on everything here, which in reality I try to always avoid. So now that I am not bothered with my condition after meditation I got my hands on it. But thank you for reminding I can forget things easily >_<

There was a lot of strange things happening in my life, that I could not explain. Like spoon dropping from table, light get dimmer or brighter, sudden feeling of disconnection, fear or pressure, calm wind blows while there should not be, but I always took it as normal for me. Unfortunately back then I did not pay much attention at them and reasons. Its a bit hard to recall them all, but as you said -they tend to appear, when people like us are burning out. And almost my whole life I was constantly at the edge of burnout. Even yesterday I felt, like I just cant go trough December again. I used my last energy to give some faith and hope in hard situation my friend is in now. After that I started to feel a bit numb. Ear ringing and tickling is very familiar to me. It happens very often. Also I get often feeling like I was stung with a needle in different parts of my body. I don't remember having leg burn, but very often my whole body can suddenly heat up. Just one or two seconds and I feel so hot, that sweat comes out. Then it cools down after few more seconds, but warmth on my clothes from my body still remains. So its not illusion or mind trick I guess O_O Had those for over 5 years or so.

Uh. So trough empaths ghosts somehow release themselves and go to their "happy hunting grounds"? 0_o Or what did you mean?

Yes I bought purposely little black pocket book and tiny pen to always carry with me and write all I notice or sense down. I will meditate and ground myself, it does help, thank you ^^ Unfortunately in my country baths are very rare. We mostly have only showers :(

Thank you for sharing all this :3 It made me dug out a lot of my past experiences to analyze.

And vigorous December to you ^^

@womanwhowalks

Hi, Karen ^^

Abomination came to my mind only once, when I was registering here. But maybe it was influenced somehow taking into account my condition and chaotic writing style, ehe ^^ And he might been listening, since "Curious Child" was spinning in my head for last few days O_O So as @hop-daddy said -I changed it now :3 I feel this name also very close to my soul, but you can still call me Sunny ^^ Well. Its time to go to my "La la la land" and prepare some food ^^

Thank you for all, and good health to you and your crystals. Yes. I feel like crystals have health, not conditions they are in O_O Ehe, be well :3


updated by @curious-child: 12/21/17 04:10:53AM
Curious Child
@curious-child
12/20/17 03:20:33PM
22 posts

Readings Offered


Empath

Actually I am curious and interested what people can say from reading me. Never had one before :3 So if it is oki I would like one :)

Curious Child
@curious-child
12/20/17 11:05:14AM
22 posts

Spirit in my house?


Psychic and Paranormal

Alright. I will do so :3 Thank you ^^

Curious Child
@curious-child
12/20/17 09:23:29AM
22 posts

Spirit in my house?


Psychic and Paranormal

So today I meditated, like I was suggested here and also performed cord cutting ritual. During this ritual I followed trough all steps that was suggested. I visualized my spirits...Or actually one spirit, which I honestly would not visualize before in this manner. I even surprised myself. I did it all, repeated mantras, asked spirits and angels for help and thanked them, drunk good amount of water and decided to take a nap to rest.

What happened is that I woke up, because of sounds from my kitchen. I woke up from loud sounds like someone was scratching spoon at plate. Like someone was eating last bits of food from it. First I thought that my parents came, because they have key to my apartments, but there was no light and that sound of spoon scratching just continued. It made me creep out an scared me a lot. But then I thought that what if its that spirit? I felt much better and light after that ritual so it worked. Even mood swings from happiness to sorrow, which I had for last 2 days disappeared. And few seconds later that I thought about that -all those noises stopped and it was silence again. I stayed awake for minute or so, but then felt very calm again and decided to sleep a bit more.

Can you tell me what do you think about that? Could it be spirit or am I crazy? Maybe he was hungry after helping me or upset because I got a bit dirty dishes around my sink? Also is this something bad that I should be concerned about? I feel like I am not afraid of what happened now and actually feel like I don't mind these things happen in my home. They don't disturb me...

Also I feel great urge to draw that spirit on paper...


updated by @curious-child: 12/20/17 09:24:16AM
Curious Child
@curious-child
12/19/17 08:38:15PM
22 posts

Sensory Overload Throughout December


Empath

Thank you for your words. Last year I was not aware. But now I know answers and already feel what you are talking about. Gone to shop yesterday to buy few little gifts and now I feel terrible and it wont just let me go. Every 5-10 min my mood still changes from sad to joyful and there is even wish to cry and laught at same time. I feel like wreck now.

Lets stick together trough all this. I feel this will be my first less lonely December.
Strength and patience to all you. And most importantly more joyful moments at the end of this year :3
Curious Child
@curious-child
12/19/17 01:39:02PM
22 posts

Who am I?


Empath

Thank you for sharing this. I already looked at those crystals and stones, while was reading your post. Seems they are extremely useful taking into account how much crystals affect us. I will buy some with my next pay and also some smudge sticks :3

Thank you :) Right now I am testing malachite and spectrolite. I can share what I experienced if you wish :)


updated by @curious-child: 12/19/17 01:44:49PM
Curious Child
@curious-child
12/19/17 01:25:25PM
22 posts

Are you an open book or not?


Empath

I think its hard to read me. It was maybe 1-2 times trough my life, that someone actually noticed how I feel myself, furthermore it happened, when I actually was almost completely drained. I fear I got too used to my mask (hiding my emotions) and also waiting for someone who would notice my true emotional state behind it.

Curious Child
@curious-child
12/19/17 12:43:22PM
22 posts

Is depersonalization disorder connected to empathy?


Empath

I had similar experiences long ago I think. I was burned too back then because of bad treatment from others. Inside I felt like...Lets say "empty, rusty and large oil barrel". Felt like if someone will knock my chest -very loud empty sound will be heard. Back then I felt disconnected from everything and everyone. Could not laugh, cry, fear or become angry. Just completely passive feeling to everything, just existed. But one thing I remember, one feeling...Or was it thought? I felt like I don't belong anywhere.

In my eyes and mind I frequently saw myself from the side, walking, carrying my legs. I could not feel myself from inside, but somehow saw my condition from the side. Every step felt like I am walking in a swamp, now if I think. My body was walking into the shop, but my mind were somewhere else. Someone was talking to me -but I did not understood a thing, also could not remember anything that was said to me. But for some reason I remember and understood well, what people about 5 meters from me were talking. I was close to them, but absent with the person I stood in my physical form. Those was just short moments. Lasted for about 5 minutes, then I felt my body again, but it repeated frequently. More long periods of this was when I was laying or sitting somewhere on bench. It was like I was watching a live stream about my life. Its been many years since this happened to me last time I think. Or maybe it was time when I paid attention at it. I was not afraid of this feeling, I just couldn't scare back then or feel much of anything. But is this similar to what you experienced?

And actuallly I havent thought about it until now. I think I don't want to give away any thoughts yet. But I am interested in this topic now. O_O


updated by @curious-child: 12/19/17 06:49:09PM
Curious Child
@curious-child
12/16/17 10:47:31AM
22 posts

Empaths and Indulgence


Empath

I was drinking a lot when I was younger. Could just get drunk until I dropped on floor an shut down. But I stopped drinking about 10 years back. I can drink maybe few beers/year nowadays. Also I am chain smoker. I can smoke 5 cigarettes while walking to work (20 min) or whole pack/day when I'm home and I am thinking. Its hard but I usually just think in peace when I can. On breaks and when I am alone. Understanding, looking inward, outward and consequences with reasons release me. And I am smoking while doing that almost every 15 min. Its very unhealthy, but it helps me and I feel constant need. I quit smoking for 3 months or so, but after my latest toxic relationship -I started to smoke again much more often.

Curious Child
@curious-child
12/16/17 04:54:49AM
22 posts

Who am I?


Empath

Hi! Thank you for reply and help :) You can call me Sunny :D I honestly don't know why I chose this nick name. I haven't thought for long. It is a bit negative indeed, but does not bother me much.

Same was said by Krosskelt here, that I need to ground myself. Thank you for sharing your method I will try it today after I write this response.

I can only imagine how hard it can be in buss. Despite I use them as passenger for 20-40 min -even this makes me feel bad. It must be very exhausting spending whole work day In environment like that...

I guess I know the answer now why I was so pulled to apartment I am living now in, despite I must pay half of my money for it. I got cliffs and forest seen outside my balcony, walk 2 minutes outside and I got large lake, walk 5 minutes more and I got park with a lot of different love statues. Every day moon shines at night straight into my windows, but lately its covered by clouds. I love to sleep in a moonlight. Now I know why I got so attached to this place and it makes me feel so peaceful.

About crystals. Yes I read a bit, that they need to be charged or cleansed depending of crystal type. And you came just in time with your cleaning methods here, because I feel that mine need to be taken care right now. I was using them for about three weeks and feel like their effects are weakening. Usually I put them on my window still when I am home so sunlight and moonlight could charge and clean them. But lately it was so cloudy and no moon or sun is seen. That does matter, yes? I will try your methods today to clean them, thank you :)

Also wanted to ask if you can suggest something from your experience about raw malachite, spectrolite, amethyst and lepidolite if you will have time and strength. I will have these crystals as well next week. I read about their effects, but maybe you can share something more from your own experience?

Thank you for helping and good, restful weekends to you :)


updated by @curious-child: 12/16/17 08:05:34AM
Curious Child
@curious-child
12/15/17 12:58:48PM
22 posts

Who am I?


Empath

Thank you much for everything. For kind words, help, guidance, sharing and understanding. I think I got enough to continue for now :)

Best wishes :3

Curious Child
@curious-child
12/15/17 03:04:13AM
22 posts

Who am I?


Empath

Thank you again for reply.

Yes. I don't worry so much about what I call myself anymore, thank you :)

I so agree about being chameleons. But isn't it also caused because of fear? I act in public places like everyone else. But doesn't it makes you feel anxious, especially when you are in happy mood? Isn't it something that causes to just use more energy on everything? I think I am wearing mask even here on forum, maybe because of fear or because I got used to it. Inside I am a child, that wants to shake his hands in different directions and walk with a bit jumping style, constantly singing some melodies silently. It sure makes me anxious if I don't release that positive energy the way I do. My only options now are when I am alone or with someone who accepts my weird behaviors (there is one person, but I fear to scare him). Last time I made him laugh, when I showed my happiness, when it suddenly started to snow. Best place is still at work, where I sense that people are not so judgmental, except few of them. There I usually walk and wave my hands like spaghetti splashing energy to surroundings and painting walls and floor with it. It makes people smile with partially resisting their smile because I think they don't want to look like they see me as fool. On other hand what puts me at ease is that they are childish themselves sometimes, making rallies across halls on pushcarts, when there is not much work. Still its not enough for me. I don't feel free with expressing myself. But the question still bothers me if I should keep hiding it and show only around people that don't judge it? And do you have similar experiences?

Thank you. I feel I don't want to return to that narcissist topic anymore. I feel like I can easily put it aside now. My mind is more at ease after your words.

I will meditate, thank you. I want it, but still am only at beginning of learning about it. I want to read and learn more first so I can do it correctly :) Yes. Instrumental music and especially celtic one is something I even normally listen a lot. Its very relaxing. Sometimes it makes my eyes to roll up and I feel like I will just melt into puddle from relaxation :3

There is 2 energy vampires in my life that still troubles me. One is girl I had relationship with, that turned me inside out. She always returned to my life talking in the way, like nothing bad happened to us, but every time I showed her resistance to her attempts to make me bend and dance under her hand claps -she overreacts and runs away. Not so long ago I wrote her everything, that I know who she is, how she works and can see intentions behind her words. Also made few examples to prove my words, that made her scare. Right now she disappeared from my life, but I fear that she will return again once my life gets better or she will remain alone and will again need someone to ease up her failures. I did not told her straight about who she is, because that would make her raise her shields so high, that it would damage a chance for her to heal herself later and realize her problems in future. The thing is that I still have her in my thoughts. I don't feel love or anything. I think its some kind of hope, that she will change. I wish her to get better and also that we would come to understanding of each other. Deep inside I know that it sure wont happen, but hope and faith holds me. I don't know how to deal with that yet.

Another person is once again a girl. I helped her to get out of depression she was in for 2 years. Made her go outside, talk to people, move in life again and do things. She recovered almost completely now. The thing is that she mistaken my care for love. She jealous me and constantly tries to get to me and make me hers. It really drains me. I told her, that I cant date anyone now and don't feel like I'm ready for love, but she does not understand that and keeps hopes up. Furthermore around her I feel interference in my emotions and thoughts, everything darkens, my intuition is on alert. I know that sense -it tells me that something is not right with her intentions. They are not pure. Basically around her I felt like something is attached to me and just takes my energy even when we just sit in silence. I told her later straight about everything that I wish now (solitude) and what is disturbing me between us. I tried to put it in soft form as well as I could so I would not damage anything we worked to get her out of depression, but still she got offended by that and tried to make me apologize for my words (I did not). I guess she is toxic to me too. I started to recover energy much faster since we started to see each other less, but I feel guilt for just going away in this manner. Although sense of guilt in this case slowly is releasing me trough my understanding and respect of my own needs.

I don't know how to cut cords yet. Just saw the topics about doing it with crystals for example. There is still so much to learn. I spend a lot of time getting to the top of what went wrong in my latest relationship, because I was left with complete blank pages. Now that I know about it -I slowly go the way of becoming aware, recovery and learning. I was in depression after she left me. In really bad one. Also visited psychologist 2 times. But we decided that I don't need psychologist services anymore, because of my strong ability to understand and nurture myself, strong will to do that.

Yes. I ask myself constantly same things, about ways I feel. Started since I began to pay attention at everything around me and inside me. When I feel something strong suddenly, like irritation or anger -I usually can make that feeling gone pretty fast. But mostly I cant even describe how I feel myself at the end of the day. It feels like a whirlwind and its hard to catch something single out of it yet. Unfortunately it took half of my life to realize who I am. I tried always to find some logical explanation to why I am like that. When people said something like "How do you always know? How did you guess right?" I usually thought that I am just good at guessing and nothing more. Further more I spend most of my life in solitude trying to escape everything I felt. Got even addicted to online games, but then let go of it easily myself, because did not want to waste anymore of my life. Because I wasted so much time running away from who I am -I am a bit afraid about time I have left and worry a bit about my future. I understand that its bad so I try to be calm about it, but its not so easy. But I'm trying to stay in a middle way.

Thank you for the poem! I will add it to my collection :3 It sure has a lot common with experiences I had and how things are now. Thank you. I like it. :)

I will get to meditation and cord cutting soon. I just prefer to do things in order to evade chaos. And good health to you, your wife and children :3

Curious Child
@curious-child
12/14/17 03:04:31PM
22 posts

Who am I?


Empath

Thank you for replying. Its really nice to hear something more than just few words about what troubles me. And I'm sorry for my messy text. I work at evenings these days and am constantly in rush during days and tired after work. That makes my thoughts and texts a bit chaotic and possible other things around me.

What I meant in my text is exactly what you thought, yes :) Thing is that I'm just very worried about having something bad in me. I'm still recovering from experience I had in my relationship I guess. I read that narcissist are very cunning and pretend to be a victims or act like they are good, unable to recognize their insecurities and flaws. Thing is that before relationship I was clean and balanced. After it I constantly feel myself wrong and poisoned. I am feeling a lot of blocks of some kind in me and fear if there is something that I cant just accept and get over. That is why I was hoping to find someone who senses people, to dig all that dirt from under my nails out so I can work on it. Overreactions, increased aggression, increased selfishness and things like that worry me much. It feels like I am unable to return to previous self and I run out of energy much faster than before. I try hard to struggle against these feelings inside of me, but I am not always succeeding in that, which leaves me depleted or guilty afterwards.

Yes. I think I was somehow narcissistic before, which makes me worry about it now. What if she awakened something inside of me, that I tried to destroy so much, struggling for about 4-6 years? I was not complete narcissist back then, but possessed some traits.

Right now I feel guilt for my selfishness, which I just cant remove. Since I found out about empaths, HSP and narcissists and everything related to them -I got obsessed with that topic. I found so many answers in it to my past and current life and many more answers still await. My eyes are on fire when I read and learn about all this. Its like a whole new world. Unfortunately this also made me lose  interest in many other things. I am constantly evading people around me, even my parents. And also what makes me feel great guilt is that I feel that I am abandoning some people that was so trusting in me being there for them in their times of trouble. Of course I explained to them why I am so closed lately, but not all of them understood that. Some of them even tried to make me feel guilty for that (they failed), which made me evade them even more. But its not my fault, that my time for answers is now, ? I still help people, but limited my circle to only 2 people in need, because I feel like I cant live without helping someone from time to time, but also need much more time for myself. Most of the time I am just with me. I don't feel like I'm ready to head out there. Part of me feels that I got right to think about myself so much now, but other part makes me feel guilty for that.

No. I don't meditate yet. I just started to read about it and how it goes. All that concentration on present moment, trying to imagine red dot and keep focus on it. As I found out myself -the middle of my chest that starts to hurt is so called "solar plexus chakra". Sometimes my heart chakra is also in pain, but usually it passes very fast. I will read about your suggestion in grounding and chakra working, thank you, but I need more time. I feel like my head will explode if I keep going at same speed rate. I think I need to give myself a good rest and distraction. Its been month or so since I rested my mind from self exploration and all this information stream.

Yes. I agree with you about crystals. Actually I was thinking to limit their use myself. I fear that I can get "addicted" to them instead to slowly learn to naturally clean and protect my energy. I think I should use them when I will feel, that I will be going trough hard day. Or for example take one with me at work so I can use it during breaks to ease up my condition or if I am feeling really bad. Or just to spend one clean day and get complete rest. I think its wrong to wear them daily, especially at period I am now.

I agree with you about ego. I still spin events from past in my head and cant get them out. Also I worry a little about future. But past is what haunts me most. Concentrating on present, where ego does not exist right now is really hard, but I try to do it all the time, even while I walk to work. Actually right now I am exactly reading about that topic. And meditation is said to be exactly tool to remove it after understanding.

I still don't know if I am empath or HSP...Maybe both. But now I think that does it really matter? Will it make difference in helping someone or how I feel? Maybe only will satisfy my curiosity.

Thank you again for your reply. I got used people always tell me "I feel so much better after talking to you". I am happy, that I can say this to someone else myself now. Your reply made me feel better and ease up a bit my worries, gave hope for understanding. Thank you again:)

Curious Child
@curious-child
12/14/17 03:34:50AM
22 posts

Who am I?


Empath

Hi, everyone!

I am new here and right now I really need your help to tell me who I am, because I got very confused about everything. My English is not perfect, but I hope it wont make you tired reading this text. I got a lot to say and share, yet will try to make my text as short as possible.

But before I start to bring events from my life to determine who I am in your opinion I want to point, that I am not victim, not seeking for compassion, validation, praise and so on. I honestly don't even know why I choose nick name like that. Its just first what came to my mind and I like how it sounds. I might craving a bit of attention. There is some emptiness inside of me, maybe because in my whole life there was no one I could just be myself with or open myself to. But now all I seek is understanding and truth. Also I want to note, that I am a man, grown up man. So telling all this is a bit uncomfortable for me, still truth is more valuable to me, than my masculine side.

Like many of you as I can assume -I was bullied a lot as a child. I was bullied physically, mentally and emotionally from my 1st to 9th grade. I was always a "white crow" among the people, weirdo, dumb, defenseless. In school I was always daydreaming and living in my own world, telling things that haven't touched subject anyhow of current conversations. I had no friends. There was moments where people came to my life, but mostly they betrayed me and switched side fast. After all who wants to be a friend with a lunatic? Up to the 6th grade I spend time mostly alone, looking at other kids running, observing people, listening what they are talking about in silence. Despite I was bullied -I was telling myself all the time, that I wont become like these other people. But still I got broken. I cant tell exactly when it happened, but I started to hate the world around me, evade people and hide myself home from everyone, doing some creative things like drawing, watching pictures in books or building something, playing my first small electrical piano.

I changed my school in 7th grade, which affected me more negatively. I was hoping that maybe changing school would get things better, but it did not. I was still bullied even there. My hate to people and world grew so strong, that I started to bully others myself. Not physically, but emotionally, in so called "passive-aggressive" manner. I felt guilt every time after I belittled or insulted someone, but just couldn't hold my negativity inside of me anymore and so I splashed it everywhere. I remember I even was even acting badly to children, which makes me feel guilt even now, makes me wish to make amends to them.   

What launched changes in me later? I think it was because some people, that bullied me most -apologized at the end of 9th grade. They even hugged me and I felt, that they are sincere. It somehow broke my template about world being cruel place full of anger, lies and injustice.

I went to gymnasium after that, but did not want to study. All I wanted is to be in peace and think, to look at things at other angle, because I started to feel, that not everything might be so terrible as I thought. In gymnasium people stopped to bully me, but still I was from time to time belittling people around me. Back at that time my first relationship started, where despite being very kind and caring for my girl -I was also very controlling and jealous. I think it was because of fear to lose her. But eventually we broke up exactly because of my controlling behavior. We talked with her peacefully. She pointed out at some of my mistakes I did, what was wrong with my behavior and I took these words inside. It was painful to hear them, yes, but I wanted these fears and bad sides of me to be gone.

 

It took years in solitude to purify myself and in the end instead of spreading negativity and anger, fears of mine on people -I felt strong pull to make the world a better place. Another reason to withdrawn was, that I always was emotional. I heard so much people saying "you are too emotional", "you are sensitive", "stop acting like a girl", "cant you act like a men do?". Because of that I spend 2 years trying to kill and dampen everything I feel inside. Become more straight and cold as other people around me. In the end my mask became almost one with me. It was not so hard to wear it, despite I was feeling differently inside. But one thing it did not change, that I started to care people, help them, heal them. I was helping my friend to overcome his drug and alcohol problem for 2 years. Solved a lot of conflicts in relationship of people I know. Helped single mother for years with fixing things and other work, that man must do. And many other things. Basically I became almost completely altruistic, which at one point attracted my latest girl in my life.

I wont write about this relationship much. Except that it went exactly like internet says about "Empath-Narcissist" relationships. She drained me completely empty, blamed me on everything and made feel all responsibility for all bad that happened to us. And in the end she told me, that I am narcissist, which made me immediately look into subject and find out that I was projected narcissism at me (or was it?). And also this is how I learned, that I might be an empath.

There is a lot of signs, that can point out of someone being and empath and I match almost all of them, except maybe one or two. I did a lot of personality tests, even paid ones and found out that my personality is 86% INFP, 80% INFJ and 66% ISFP. I was shocked how correctly this all matched me. But still something makes me doubt everything. I constantly ask myself, that what if I am still abuser and narcissist and just try to mask myself to look better? What If I'm just imagining things? And this is the reason I came here. To actually put a large fat dot in everything, in all my doubts and confusion.  To find peace in my mind, because other people I know and talked about this usually laugh, give me weird faces or just answer something like "No no. You are not narcissist" without pointing at anything what made them think so. I feel unsatisfied with answers...

So I guess to help you say who I am -I need to point at some experiences I noticed lately. The thing is, that usually I did not pay attention at them until I found out about empaths. And its been about one month since I started to concentrate on my senses.

Yes. Strangers do open up themselves to me. But they don't tell me their life stories. They usually, especially old people always complain me about pains they have in their legs, waist, back and shoulder, about their problems with liver and other organs. I think it has something to do with my hands, which I always was ashamed of. My mother always told me that I got healing hands as did many girls I did massage to. I somehow find out myself where people have pain by hovering my hands over their body and give massage to that place, which makes them feel good afterwards. My flat of the hand has veins seen trough skin, which make me also be ashamed of my hands a bit. But on other hand it makes them very hot and sensitive. So lately I decided to put them to good use and learn different massage techniques from books to help people.

I sense strange things, yes. Not so long ago in shop I felt extremely strong field going trough me. Then it happened again in about 5 minutes. It felt like some threw blanked on my head, except it did not hung on me, but went trough. It felt like some very heavy and strong force field gone trough my body from top to my waist. It made me feel extreme weight on my shoulders, weak in my legs and hands. Next day at work I barely could move them. They felt like made from rubber.

I feel weak around old people and pain around teenagers.

I behave frequently out of character. I can be with my mate and then suddenly act differently if we meet some of her friends, that I don't know. It feels like I cant control myself and my out of character behavior just comes out of me automatically. It made people say, that I am weird very often. Sometimes it scared them away, because it makes me look unstable. It takes a lot of concentration to actually remain myself around many people.

Places have very strong effect on me. I might talk to someone and our conversation is happy and wild. Then after we enter building or other entrance my mood and behavior can change in seconds. I can become quiet suddenly or start to behave out of character once again. I can become sad or opposite -too wild. The way I perceive surrounding changes from place to place. In one place I feel lightness and energy. In others I can feel like colors just gets darker, time goes differently, air is heavy and filled with darkness. Sometimes I get even images in my mind and sounds. Like clinging chains, running people in panic or very loud ticking of clocks, moans, cry.  Especially in places that make me feel bad.

I feel myself different around people. Someone can give me good feelings, others make me feel like I am surrounded by thundercloud or makes me feel, like I got some kind of interference in my emotions and mind, which makes me twitchy, shut down or start to act weird again.

My actions can also become weird. I do things that I should not do and was told not to do. Like at work. There is trasher where people put bad parts and I might just throw there good ones. Lately I noticed that it happens, when someone else is going to put something in there. Sometimes I was asked if I am feeling alright after doing that on what I cant answer anything or find any explanation. And this is just one of hundreds examples of this kind. Even my father asked me many times if I am an idiot.

I am also clumsy. I constantly hit my legs and hands at something. When I walk -I cant walk straight all the time. From time to time I feel like some force just pulls me to the side and I make few steps to the right or left. Even when I stand -I can just suddenly start to lean back or to the sides.

I also bought black tourmaline bracelet and necklace. And they help me, but also make me a bit scared. They make me feel somehow disconnected from world I got used to live in. I made some tests with them at work. Put them on for 2 hours and then took of for another 2 hours during break. And they really work, which made me happy and shocked at same time. When I wear them I smile a lot and overall my mood is better. But when I put them away -world changes. I feel like something "shrinks" around me. Some kind of thing and light field. And after that world loses a bit of its colors, becomes colder and I sense it differently. Also without my bracelet and necklace over time I start to feel pains in a middle of my chest. At first it feels like phantom pain, but if I continue to be without my crystals -it becomes very intense, like something is squeezing or wants to burst out from my chest. At the end of the day without crystals pain becomes so strong that it makes me bend down, wish to run home and hide.

There is much more to write, but I think I wrote enough for the start. I really hope you could help me with finding of who I am. Am I an empath or maybe just hypersensitive? Maybe I am narcissist? I'm not afraid of truth. If I am empath -I want to learn how to live with myself. If I am abuser or narcissist -then there is work to be done. You can ask freely any questions if there is some blank spaces or things that require more datails for you and I will answer honestly. Need photo for scan -I can send that. Since It all began from my relationship with her -I can also sen her photo if it will make things more clear. Anything to find out truth. I really need justified opinions and verdicts from people, that actually know what I am talking about. And I'm sorry if my text is a bit messy...My mind is just always busy with something and there is just not enough time for anything these days.

And thank you.