It's very easy. He's a classic narcissist, like my wife of 25 years. These people are easy to be around until they aren't. They feel they have to control you and they work very hard at it. It's how they survive, cause life is hard on everyone. No one gets a free pass to live a life without pain. He responded to the pain by blocking it out, but never learned how to control others. So he drank to socialize. He's just afraid. Most people are. The ones I worry about are the ones that are not.
I do feel his judgement and it makes me sick. I want to say, how can you of all people make a judgement of me? But I don't, cause that IS a judgement. So lets break it down:
A sitting judge is taking in all this information from evidence and testimony, but withholds making a judgement until all the information is available to be analyzed. Then at the end he, or she, comes to a conclusion, and uses a gavel to let it be known the judgement has been made, and so ends the argument.
So it isn't judgement per se that you need to avoid. It's coming to conclusions. In order to understand why you have to look for the black goose. After all, not all geese are white.
I say this to you to spare you. No one wants to be around someone they perceive as judgy. You'll be a much happier person by not judging at all. That doesn't mean you don't read them to understand their motives. Please do, that helps to protect you. Just know it gets complex. They are trying to survive too in the way they know how. We are not about convincing people they need to put up those walls of "self protection". We're about tearing them down. It's all it how you react to what you learn. Try not to, but don't ignore it. Your not suppose to know these things anyway, right? If they think you do they get scared. We have to live in secret for their sake. But don't worry, they'll come around some day.
Also, this guy is learning humility! I've seen the change happen. He is humbled by all the people that have surrounded him to help him though this. We do it, because we can't throw people away that make mistakes. If we did, we'd all be in the trash heap. It's just a shame someone had to die for this change to happen. He's been sober for a few months now. He says it's been 18, but I know that's a lie. No one else knows this. I keep his secret without ever letting him know that I know. It's a crazy world.