Presentiments vs Rational Thinking?
Well, I am conscious enough to realize this world isn't gonna end if I make a choice or another: the real problem is, HOWEVER, the way I've changed inwardly and I continue to change... it's an amalgam of emotions; lots of mood swings influenced by the people I'm hanging with (friends, classmates, relatives, borther... even animals!) pressure on my third eye and generally on the right side of my head too; stomach tightness, sometimes my heart feels like it's clenching up when I think about a certain person or situation or if I try to negate anything about these energy rushes I'm having or block myself, insomnias, waking up generally between 1:00-3:00 a.m. really hungry, right shoulder pain, in the past (1 or 2 years ago) I had these strange knee and back pains that eventually disappeared [pains due to fast growing (2 cm in 2 years and gained no more than 3 kg in that process, is this fast? like, seriously?-), my Doc said, finding no other explanation...], strangers come and talk to me or make affirmations like [I'll give you a more "normal" one, but generally, it happens daily, everytime I'm going out, but only if I don't control myself at all, you know, block myself, really trying not to think, judge, or anything else rather than simply being conscious of my surroundings: "don't get angry or something but you have a beautiful smile!" or "hello. Do I know you from somewhere? You seem familiar" or people talking to me while I'm walking behind them and then turning back and realising I'm just a stranger and the person they thought they were talking to is behind me or somewhere around.
I can sense and be influenced way too easilyby the negative emotions around. Like, more easily than ever.And I've always been a little more sensible. And it's SO annoying always getting a general idea of what the other is thinking... because there are SO many people thinking bad things or only in preconceived ideas. Also I know many people who like being around me for no reason, and I simply have an affinity for attracting unwanted male attention. I'm not joking. They generally feel much more easily what I'm going through and if they immediately sense (at least the boys I'm haging out with) if i'm not conmfortable at all around their friends/girlfriends. And I sense a lot of emotions and it's so hard to know this stuff and always having to concentrate!
And the problem is that I've weakened myself A LOT by continuosuly thinking about what a wrong choice I made moving to this new class. Yes, it's pretty different, although my choice for college stays the same. It's just that... I simply don't feel right about it!And with so many syncronicities happening too (yesterday: mother starts feeling bad because she has some serious problems with her gall bladder; I immediately get a nauseous sensation out of the blue and yell to my mother "Mom, do you feel allright?"... "No" comes the answer "I didn't say anything though, why do you ask?") and the really nasty feelings I'm getting from my stomach everytime I try to simply picture my new class, I started to question whenever it's my imagination or something beyond that... the thing I've always had,but tried to bury and surpress.
Because in my other class I think there were empaths too. And it was a different background/feeling. Some teachers strongly believed in these things too, and one of them, seeing that we (a.k.a. my previous collective, last year, when I hadn't chosen to move, yet) actually listen carefully instead of making fun like other classes, starting to teach us how we could "create balls of energy by rubbing our hands against each other". There were a few who laughed everytime they heard "such nonsense" of course, and I was a part of them too: back then I didn't want to belive in energy at all.
But I actually became more confident, relaxed, less hot-headed and rigid, and persuasive: I discovered how much influence the power of thought had. I may have abused it, though. I became popular, I was feeling secure, yet I felt like something was missing: we only had 2 boys in our class, there was a lot of envy, I started to find them boring, I wasn't provoked at all, I missed the feeling if competition... so I decided to move to another class thinking "ok, what could happen, let's be serious? I'll only get more fun!"
But then this mere idea became more and more suited fo rmy situation as I started seeing only the bad things: sure i felt confident and developped, again, some kind of intution I didn't really want to admit I still had - because my fellow classmatesmade fun of my sesibility and love for people or animals all my childhood and I wasn't the only victim! - so all that i could think about was that "gosh, these people are making me so sensible, they're strange, this isn't normal, something is happening". So I got really confused, blamed my episodes of sensitivity on my classmates, and moved.
But dear, how much worse it got! I mean, here, EVERYONE puts such a strain on themselves, and no one behaves naturally or let their energies flow how they should. And I felt FEAR. Immense fear of teachers, life, I don't know... but i just got lost and really affected by this predominant feeling of fear. And it feels like it's biting from my soul everytime I think about my "sensitivity" and new class. There's also a girl that i didn't like and she didn't like me from the start, too. But there were so many coincidences between me and her: meeting on street, talking at the same time, and she simply BOMBS me with negative thoughts, sometimes I actually even get glimpses of what she thinks... I guess this could be called a pretty toxic attachment tie, right? How could I get rid of her? I'm also kind of sorry for her though... I sense fear from her too.
And again, it simply doesn't feel right, being in this class. It's feels like I delayed my own evolution, or a similar feeling to the one you get when breaking a promise... and being so stressed (all these realizations, if I may call them so, came during a rather short period of time), I'm starting to have a weak immunitary system... lately I've been having a lot of stomach aches too, I guess due to the extended, rather unexplainable anxiety that I have despite of all the social situations I'm getting into and despite the fact that I talk daily with a lot of people (that I find benefic, more or less; not just "carelessly going to clubs/pubs every day").
On the other hand, when I think about my previous class and my friends there (which I meet daily, but the good feeling doesn't last for long... and they don't always have the good energies to sustain me too), I feel at ease. MUCH more at ease. I do not know any other technique to save me from the depression I may get into if I do not concentarte anough to stop myself ALL THE TIME from feeling everything... but my last chance to move back is almost gone... I only have a few days left... I'm afraid of what could happen next. I'm afraid of getting conrolled by fear and becoming unable to connect with people in the intimate way I always used to, and for which they always liked my company. I'm afraid of becoming numb and not feeling the truth in other persons, or the lies beneath their masks.
I do not know if I should move back, now that I have to take into account ALL THESE THINGS. Reading these things again I think I may sound like a megalomaniac or something, giving myself too much importance... it's just that, without any real confirmation, support or recognition, I'm afraid I'll loose it all and sink again in fear and the materialistic world. Am I too idealistic? Maybe, but boy, what a horrible feeling I had, seeing myself sink and starting to feel FEAR again... [yeah, I mentioned this word countless times!]
I tried telling everyone I trusted about it... but even though it made me feel lighter, I ended up being more and more stressed after finally taking in consideration that these things are REAL... and annoyed because I couldn't figure out a way to deal with these thoughts (blocking them would result in a mass accumulation followed by a pretty unpleasant "eruption" at a certain point) and by actually becoming weaker and weaker I actually lost their trust and my seriosity in their eyes and my grandmother kept joking [huh, more or less] about how strange I got with my energies and all...
And my common sense/normal voice is fighting with the "freaky" one/the thoughts about energies and stuff, and I'm confused, and above everything, I sometimes really don't know which I should follow. If untill now I could maintain a balance, now I reached a point where mot even drawing and gymnastics give me the necessary outlet... and here I am, still awake, after sleeping just an hour, trying to balance myself...