I wish I could understand more
It is so complicated I don't even know very well where to start with.
First of all, I am worried about what I can generate. I have some powerful energies running under the surface and I can influence the people around me the same way that i can be influenced as well, and it took me years to learn to control and reduce my "sponginess" and inclination to attract the negative energies in a social setting or environment. Coincidentally, I've always had a big need to express myself artistically or verbally as well and thus I don't only paint, draw, sculpt but also had some nice experiences with a theater crew! I also have a never ending love and curiosity for nature and animals, though I read with interest about all scientific fields, and I really wish i could work for the betterment of our environment and implicitly, us.
Now that is only a small resume, as way too many things happen around me. I cannot and have never told anyone about my own... spiritual quests and right now I am annoyed at myself for not being able to correctly put myself out there and make people understand my intentions. While I do value privacy and I do not trust easily by any means, it was so hard to combine my 2 realities, the psychical and spiritual life with the daily one... I want to sketch some quick notes: I can and have correctly predicted events, I can feel certain outcomes, I scan people and can tell the type of thoughts going through their head and especially if I or a person I know is related to them, this form of scan i would describe as sending a thought on the same frequency and knowing whether is right by feeling if it "clicks" or not, i.e. does not have "echo". I've talked and met some very interesting and different people, some part of Reiki courses, another energy therapuetist lady that treated sportsmen and others and had some amazing gits on the same lines of "identifying an illness hidden or forming" and their cause, and some more weird ones... sometimes, i do thank god to my individuality for I just won't let myself fall into someone else's projections. I did struggle with that too though. Apparently and as I have found out, my grand-grand mother had psychic gifts and did readings for the people in her village during the WW2, and my mother also has precognitive dreams.
Worst of all though and coming back to the original story, I am neglecting myself. Then, or more exactly, now, I am also neglecting my sleep, my eating hours to talk to someone who probably does not appreciate half of it, and yet i still do it, even though i usually keep a considerable distance, as i might have fallen for him, because, well, it just happened. I can also get sudden images about people or pieces of information about something they hide or deeply wish for, and being sensible with that has been my second nature, as I simply cannot promote or spread hate if i receive or see. What I also cannot do is having a similar life to everyone of my age. I am not coming by any means from an extremely religious or weird-oriented family and in fact I appear pretty much normal, if not for some quirks. However, I know very well how many hours i have dedicated reading about less... mainstream subjects as I felt pressured to maybe by my own desire to become a better person? I mean, i was my own worst enemy... still am probably... ranging from esoteric subjects to this one (empathy). I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs and even though I am 20 and thankfully been gifted with good looking genes, I never had (and refused to more times!) any physical sexual relationship, because i have this... i don t even know how to call it, huge inner stubbornness that I will know and be ok with finally accepting someone in this way when the right time comes, and I had to find countless reason to explain my family or my friends or be veery vague about it to escape the "you're old enough get a boyfriend already!" remarks... ah, fun times. I do not waste myself in clubs either, I like other types of human interaction and fun, I guess my presence can get just too serious sometimes especially when dealing with emotionally unstable people.
I will get back to the subject I started that, despite all this, I might have fallen for someone even though we fight way too much and for way too many stupid reasons. And yet I can't stop caring, like a promise that i never articulated but it's there even though sometimes this link to him feels draining, and annoying, and useless. It starts with an image of this person that I got at one point in the past, a deep desire (his) of not being left alone, and to describe the image, it was a hug, and him crying in an airport, and... at the moment, however, i took it as a projection. While the setting might have been real, the person he was hugging/crying/telling that they ll meet again was his fear. Well, he did open up to me a lot... he's a third culture kid, had to go with his parents in a lot of countries and leave his natal one and his friends there and, well, he did miss a few more things. So I linked the sudden image to what he told me, and the pull was pretty strong. I simply have this understanding for him that he also had for me when it came to certain subjects and yet there is something that gets in between and, probably, while I feel the situation is not only strong but also serious, he's been trying to minimize everything, with some not so cool results. I also want to say that it's a long distance thing and it is also probably the idea that we can't meet... him with his things and college me with mine and yet it is weird how 2 people can get so close at times that I couldn't really get him out of my head. And yet I feel hurt, a lot, by this thing. I'm not even sure what i am trying. I am also being pretty vague while describing this, I know... sometimes I think, maybe I am exaggerating and it s only me perceiving my thoughts and feelings so strong. However, there is a big however here... We've had a few coincidences going on, thinking the same things, saying and writing the same things on more occasion, which did make us become closer. We're playing the strategy game lol... yay... And the bomb he dropped that he kept being under the impression that we've met somewhere before. And i have had similar feelings about simply knowing who and when to trust and I was right, people that i have never met. In fact, one of my actual best friends, also sensible and loving animals and following Arts, only one year bigger than me that has studied abroad as well, is someone I met for the first time 7 years ago on a forum and we just knew we could trust each other. And it is not the only thing that happened in this category. They happen, and they are real, and you can take them as a gift. Most important for all, i want and appreciate friendship, honesty, and love but, not the passion for the opposite gender type of love coming from such friendships.
Then I remember from past experiences, that i do things that seem out of the blue and weird and later make perfect sense and help a situation arrange itself. Well, not all, of course. Or maybe, what do I know. And I realize this one has a meaning as well, but it s so obscure at the moment it's weird and i struggle not to also let another negative feeling that i perceive as lingering about kick in. I wish I could have helped him somehow without him remaining "indebted" or whatever. Oh and there also is another problem with a girl he's never met but which seemed very prone to online relationships with all kinds of desperate people and many if not most of our fights started from this topic, and while it's been decided we do what we can/want with our lives it still remains a push-go thing between who's more moral and who judges the situation more... it's weird and it will remain weird. Getting a grasp of myself in a more serious manner (thus, mentally speaking) I believe I should just get rid of such connections with people that are effectively toxic and bring so much sadness and are prone to fighting. That "other girl topic" has grown into a serious problem, for some reasons. And yet, your guts also have something different to say. How funny. How sad.
Are we made of stars? More than we imagine but then again, I wish to understand more about my own capacities, and why I hurt/neglect myself like I struggle with (not!) doing. The city I am staying in right now is not a helping hand by any means, as it's a stressed and polluted environment essentially, though, a welcomed change from my natal town, albeit it doesn't foster my creative tendencies either, but now with college... i guess for a limited amount of years it works. I can also be perceived as pretty "out of there" by some, and it's kinda true, I can easily space out in all kinds of situations )
I believe I just wanted to talk about a small part of what is going on in my life at the moment, form a perspective that the society has, for some reason, placed in the taboo category. For me, life has a strong spiritual layer i cannot ignore or mimic not feeling, and I can see a situation from more perspectives. I tend to measure myself (and my inner blockages if i get them for whatever reason or without realising) while interacting with kids and animals. There are so many things to tell about or discuss... scattered impressions and feelings about the society and the world in itself and some "hidden truths" and they are all beautiful in my opinion, but first there are these physical (or maybe just psychical? and personal) barriers that must be overcome.
I would greately appreciate any kind of answer, as abstract as it might get or just a tiny bit related to what i have written, but at least, an opinion, or personal experience about your own efforts or weird happening that made you ask yourself: why am I doing this? Where am I heading to? Should I trust my intuition?
Thanks for reading
updated by @kate: 02/08/17 04:29:26AM