When the life is a living hell
I apologize for the long post, and if this goes in any way against the guide lines, you may remove this. I don't know exactly why I'm posting this. Perhaps it's but a feeble need of mine, a need to be heard, a need to share. Truth be told, perhaps I'd like some advice, some thoughts on certain things. But please, don't pity me. I'm not posting this for such a petty reasons. I started with telling of my background.
I'm 21 years old at the moment, I live in a small country of five million citizen. Oh, and I'm a guy, a vegan. I don't use alcohol, drugs, or smoke.
I've never had any real friends, I was pretty much bullied all the way through the Junior and Junior high school. For ten years, it started over fourteen years ago. As I transitioned to high school, there were a couple tough years during which I never talked to anyone of my own age group, I never looked anyone in the eye, I did my best to suppress any emotions: not even a smile escaped. Eventually it became just impossible to talk with anyone, look anyone in the eye or even being near to anyone. My memories of that time are extremely vague, I can't really recall much. Perhaps visual images play a rather huge part in storing memories.
On the second year of high school there was this group of students that kind of took me in, it all began by chatting online. Perhaps what I desired the most at the time was friends, someone to talk to, to share my joys and worries. Until that time I had avoided any contact for almost two years. I told my homeroom teacher of my desire to change and he supported me.
First I learned to make eye contact with others of my own age, and gradually, I started talking a bit, I began seeking company of other students and gradually I began to open up a bit by bit. Those five months felt quite long, the weekends felt even longer. When I wasn't at school, I was always alone. I felt anquish and great anxiety when being away from the others. I remember the Christmas holiday being almost the worst two weeks of my life. I seeked help from alcohol (at the time I was a minor so I couldn't really drink as much as I would have wanted). After a few months of using alcohol as 'spirit booster'... Well, I haven't touched alcohol since. I'm living a substance-/drug-free life.
Anyway, I began opening up and changed quite a bit (although all hardships, changes, etc. I always tried to keep hidden and secret from my family. Back then I always used to think I wanted to protect them, but now years after I think I've never wanted them to know because it'd be inconvenient for me). I opened up to the point when I confessed that I came momentarily out of the closet. Yes, I told them that I'm gay (and not as in 'happy'). Lets just say that things changed afterwards: perhaps they didn't like how I had changed, I had become more open, I expressed myself and my thoughts more clearly, my personality no longer remained hidden. The biggest factor was emotions, however, since I hadn't quite learned to manage them after having suppressed them for as long as I did. Let's just say they caused some inconvenience, well, since I also confessed to someone. And so, I charged back into the closet with such force I almost ended to Narnia. I cut all my ties to those people afterwards, mostly for my own well-being. I'm grateful for their assistance during my hard time, had it not been for that student group, I most likely would be in a lot worse shape. But I just couldn't understand all the bad blood that was given rise to... I understand many feel confused, threatened when an anomaly appears. They don't know how to react to it. Fear gives rise to hatred.
Two years have passed since those times, since I graduated from high school. I have gradually changed. I've grown a lot tougher, harder, colder. Sometimes I really feel like I've started becoming a sociopath. Well, during my darkest days I really, honestly wished to become a sociopath so that I would not have to suffer. I'm often irritated and annoyed, I've become quite foul-mouthed since swearing lessens the irritation I feel.
While homosexuality will without a doubt remain always a part of me, and I accept myself as I am, and I love myself with my whole being, I've made a choice to live without it being a part of my life (since it conflicts with Christianity, my family would most definitely and likely not accept it if they knew and I just can't have my only ties to any other humans cut). I seek to live a life without any sexual intercourse. I'll most likely never kiss anyone (except the Death when it'll eventually come to visit me), and I will live my life alone (in solitude), since I can never have any friends:I'm unable to make any, and even if I did, I'd be unable to have lasting relationships. Besides, I simply can't come to trust anyone except myself, oh and there's the thing with male thing.... having male friends would be just impossible (and yet it's one of things I desire the most). Truth be told, I've kind of lost my hope in humanity. In other humans. Sometimes I kind of hate them, and I hate the feeling of needing them. It's so conflicting. Not a day, not a single moment goes by that I don't feel my heart ache. The constant pressure. While it can't be compared to physical pain, it may actually hurt even more. And knowing that I'll live the rest of my life feeling it... Sometimes I just want to rip my heart out of my chest. It's even worse when I'm out in the public, especially when I happen to encounter other specimen of the same human race who are of same gender. The feel of need to love and be loved, to be noticed, to be cared for... Something I can never have.
I just want to lead a happy life, be happy and regret nothing. I seek to live my life to my best ability, with whatever I have, as happily as possible at each moment. While I used to live in the past, I now live only for this moment. I'm writing books and poetry (I've found my muse which I'm grateful for; an embodiment of tragedy, despair, lack of hope, darkness, disappearing light, loneliness, death, anquish, torment, survival, melancholy, etc.), and truth be told, I think I've written quite amazing pieces... It's been quite important for me to be able to write... the only way how I can express myself.
I honor life too much to ever end my own life with my own hands. But sometimes I have to wonder... I still have family, but there will without a doubt come time and they'll pass away. Nothing scares me more than being completely, utterly alone. I love too much and so I pay the heaviest price. I will be crushed. I will be left scathed, broken. Shattered into so many pieces. And part of my self, my soul will die along with my family. And oh, I do hate this world. I hate it so dearly, for what it is. I could quote Oppenheimer Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds, and I could try and destroy this world. Instead, I'll write a book about it. A fictional fantasy book.
I hate weakness. I've always detested crying, I always tried avoiding crying as a child, and I'm still the same. Even though I try thinking that crying is natural and good for me, I can't cry naturally if I think of it as weakness. And I would never cry in presence of anyone. And yet, I cry quite often. Mostly when reading books/manga/manhua/manhwa (manga/manhua/manhwa,It's not really the thought of death that makes me cry, it's the reactions of those close to the dead that have the biggest impact. It's always the reactions of persons.... But I never cry for myself, I have promised myself not to shed tears for myself. Even if I feel insecure, afraid, vulnerable, weak, lonely. Yet... am I not crying for myself if I cry for the thought of being left alone completely, utterly alone? Perhaps I am.
Forgive me for such a long post. I tried to keep it in good form but... some paragraphs may seem a little out of it. Perhaps the reason why I posted this was because I felt like I needed advice. Perhaps to hear what others think of all of this, or of me. I don't have the slightest of clue what it is I want from my life, if anything at all, or where it should go... I just want to be free of everything, happy and content. I have no ambition, I have no motivation to seek the top. I dislike competition, just one of the things resulting from my youth.
updated by @jonathan: 02/04/17 06:11:08PM