I am very ill, and I don't know why
Nature is the one thing that has granted me complete and utter peace at times, if only for a little bit. I hope to reconnect with her someday soon, I just haven't had the time. Always been called by commercial and urban concerns like my schooling and this awful financial situation. I just hope that she knows I'm trying.
About family, it's mostly because I don't want to feel those emotions anymore, but it's also because they torture me and sometimes willingly. It's, hard to know what they're intending. I'm beginning to really hate them, not because of the emotions they can't help, but how they're directing it towards me. Like wanting to dominate me, if that makes sense. It's like, knowing that their intentions are predatory, not just isolated to themselves, you know? I want them to fear me so that I guess they won't feel the need to do that anymore. But it is also so that I don't have to have this horrible frustration from them, too. (I've tried resolving that too; it's becoming apparent that it's no longer my fault because I have prostrated myself before them several times, and they just want more, and hate me now because I just refuse. So this awful, vengeance instinct is here, and I just want them to shake and avoid even thinking of me, like it does to me now. But that is evil, and I really shouldn't want that.)
Cutting the cords of pain, allowing it to flow back through...I know a couple of people who used to do that, but they don't talk to us anymore (they hate my landlord, and I am guilty by association. So, although we are facebook friends still, they would never actually speak to me. In fact, one of them has taught his daughter how to curse us all, which is beyond awful parenting. I mean, he could've at least tried to himself and left his poor daughter out of it, but no. He has to poison others, even his own children. I'm sorry, I'm just, disgusted, you know?). I wouldn't begin to know how, but I have to assume that that ability would come with the grounding and meditation, wouldn't it? I'm sorry, I know I'm really ignorant and that must be frustrating, but please know that I am trying. But if the video helped you, then I am definitely looking for it. And yes, you have helped me a lot and I do appreciate it immensely! Thank you, both for taking the time to write this out and for sending me this light. I want to know I appreciate it, and I'm sorry if I rambled at all in this response.