Twin Flames! Runner or Fake Twin?
Having some issues that I trust will work itself out in time but felt the need to sort it all out and I like to think sometimes the bravest thing you can do when you are struggling is to ask for help...so I'm trying it out. Wasn't really sure where else to turn..as Twin Flames aren't exactly a mainstream topic and feel you guys are pretty knowledgeable in things "non mainstream." :P
A little over a year ago I re-crossed paths with someone who I have become to believe is my Twin Flame. It began when we started hanging out through a mutual friend and discovered an insane amount of common interests, obviously this led to us spending a great deal of time together...which eventually led to us being intimate. I know people throw around the term "mind blowing sex" but the love we made is something to this day I can't wrap my head around. It felt unexplainably natural and it felt as if both our souls crashed into eachother and became one..and then became one with everything. Then things started happening like I would think of him and he would appear or call me, or I could sense him from miles away, we'd do things for eachother as the other was thinking of it, conversations practically didn't need to be had (but we talked late into the morning hours anyways out of pure enjoyment.) And then the touching...his touch sent ecstasy through my body straight to my heart and when we held eachother we would lose our breaths from the swelling energy in between us.
We share a very similar spiritual belief system and thirst for knowledge and growth and I've never met anyone who has pushed me and helped me grow to the extent he has. In ways that are so nonchalant or even silent. He helps me see what no longer suits me or benefits me so I can purge it or ways in which I can pour love into my life and the lives of others in ways simple as leading by example. I can't explain the ways he helps me gather lessons and knowledge from everyday situations and stressors...it's like he leaves pieces of a puzzle every so often for me to piece together on my own and learn from.
I love him as if he is me and I'm not sure how to explain that. It's something I've never felt before and doubt words could do it justice. Loving him is the most natural feeling I've ever encountered.
At first this all scared the shit out of me...I didn't really believe in love, I was in a place where I did not want a partner, and had many trust issues. I tried to fight my feelings tooth and nail to the point where I spent many hours debating jumping out of his bedroom window never to be heard from again. I also was terrified of ever exchanging bad words with someone I had so much respect, love, and fondness for. I received an opportunity for a summer job halfway across the country that I decided to take for the pay and wanting to get away from my hometown for awhile. We spent 2 months apart and the night before I left I asked him what would happen to us and he asked if I wanted to marry him. Immediately I said I never wanted to marry anyone and I can't remember what he said but I pretty much went into a 3 week panic attack over the idea of that lol. When I got to my new job the universe was full force hitting me with signs of him. She wasn't going to be ignored any longer it seemed. I would have dreams of him and feel when he was upset or in a bad situation. Oh and about 90% of people I met or heard of were married to/in a long term relationship with someone sharing his name! One of them even said an exact quote from my Twin in the exact same context. Freaky is an understatement.
Eventually I returned and everything fell back into place as usual. A few months went on and one night we got in a drunken argument and he told me he didn't want to be with me(or anyone) forever and that he was not in love with me. I appreciated the honesty, as he has always been nothing but honest with me even when it sucks. We decided we wanted to be together for the near future and things went on as normal. Several days before our 1 year anniversary he had a discussion with me about not wanting to be responsible to anyone including me and such and he told me yet again he was not in love with me and didn't want to be in any sort of relationship situation so we decided to end everything between us besides our close friendship as we are best friends above anything else. Obviously this saddened me as I love him very very dearly but what I want most is for him to be happy and honest with me. Within days he was taking me out again and being intimate with me, even spending nights at his house. Since then he has acted like more of a partner than before..asking what I'm doing/who I'm with, looking at my phone when I'm texting, asking if he should check my messages when I get a text in the middle of the night. But has also had several moments of coldness where he won't let me touch him and such.
I'm in a world of confusion. If this was not meant to be why would the universe give me all of these signs telling me YEAH! THIS IS IT! GO FOR IT! when in fact this isn't it? I have read about the Chaser/Runner paradox but I'm wondering if this is something else..if maybe he is a false twin? If he was in fact my Twin wouldn't he be feeling all these things that I am? I have wondered if he is experiencing what I experienced early in our relationship(like when I plotted jumping out his window) and it has just taken him longer to reach it?
Any input is welcome and so so appreciated. I have faith that things will all come together exactly as they are meant to and the answers will present themselves to me..but I'm human! I get anxious! (And that's okay!)
Much much love to all of you on this crazy journey
updated by @katkhaotik: 01/04/18 01:11:38PM