"Divorcing" my son-in-law
Well, I tried to choke my narcissistic ex-husband once. Our marriage had been over for 4 years, and he refused to cooperate with the process. He refused to leave the house. He refused to take any action to complete the divorce process. We were living in the same house, and going our own ways during this time. He actually had a place to go, as his mothers home had an apartment attached to it, and it was unoccupied for years.
I did not leave, because I was the one who was working full time, paying all the bills, caring for our daughter and doing all of the house and yard work. He just slept and ate there. I wanted to keep the home for our daughters sake, to continue in the same school system, and keep her friends. I wanted as little disruption to her world as possible.
It came to a head one morning, when he started to threaten that he was "going to take me down, and that I was going to lose everything." I said,"Why? This is your daughters home! She doesn't deserve this, and neither do I! I have been tolerant and patient and given you plenty of time to make plans!" He started to curse at me and call me names...in front of our daughter, which he'd never done before. I told him to stop it, and when he saw me becoming upset, he taunted me all the more, daring me to do something about it. "Do you think you can take me?"
Well, 20 years of lies, emotional, mental and financial abuse all came to a head at once, and I attacked him. I tried to choke him, too. Sadly, this was in front of our daughter. I am such a nonviolent person, that I had no idea that I could act with such rage. We struggled for a few minutes, until my daughter said that she was going to call 911. It hit me that I could go to jail, and have her taken away from me, and that I might not ever see her again! Somehow, in the madness of that moment, I took the phone away from her and said, "No, I'm going to call 911!" M ex knew what that meant, that I was going to report him for abuse.
He immediately left the house, cursing at me. BUT! This incident was what made him finally leave the house, and start to complete the divorce process. After waiting for years, it was finally done within a few months. I was so relieved. He finally moved into that apartment at his mothers house.
However, I was haunted by those moments for years, and plagued with guilt. I wonder how much I scarred my daughter, to have witnessed that event. I'd wondered if I'd turned into a monster? I had a hypnosis session years later, and it was during that time that it came out that the situation that I reacted to was years in the making; that I had reached my breaking point; and that this situation was unique in my life, and that I will never find myself in a situation like that again. It was once, and done!
I was finally able to forgive myself and let it go.
Rene, I can understand your level of desperation when you acted to protect your granddaughter! I understand your lashing out at a crazy person. I am sorry that you had to pay such a high price for it, with ongoing physical difficulties and having to go to jail.It is unbelievable to me that after all that drama, that your son would return to such a relationship, have another baby...and, end up living next door! What is it about narcissists that they are so damn manipulative to such sensitive people?
I thank you for sharing, as I feel that you have prepared me for what my lie ahead. How do you manage to have any relationship with them? Is it all superficial? Do you spend time together as a family, or do you visit with your son and new grandchild without her? What about holidays? What about financial support? Or, do you live separate lives and just walk by each other and say hello? How do you keep your sanity with it all?
Thank you so much for sharing!
Peace and blessings,