Forum Activity for @evolving

Evolving
@evolving
09/06/16 11:46:04AM
46 posts

"Divorcing" my son-in-law


Empath

Dreamer -

You don't talk too much! These are complicated situations that we are describing! I appreciate all of the insights that you have shared with me. It helps me to feel less alone in this situation, and see that someone else understands, and has been there. And, has found ways to cope and go forward.

It is not in my nature to be a hater - but, I know right now that I am. I've been holding back my anger towards this guy for over 13 years. Yet, even if I vented to him, he wouldn' t get it. He is not self-aware, and he looks at his life and actions through so many filters. He doesn't even have any friends in life to talk to and learn how to be more sociable and share his life stories.

I've wanted to keep believing that he could change, because my daughter wants to believe that he can. With all of the help that he has been given, with no progress, I believe that YOU are correct...that he is not invested in changing. He benefits more from having *reasons* (excuses) for his poor behavior.

In the past year or so, I've been learning about the teachings of Abraham Hicks. I've been focused on learning the concepts of how to look at life differently, and from the angle of how everything is always working out for my good. This situation is one of my stumbling blocks. I want to know-how to easily slip into that positive vibration mode, when there is chaos and negativity around me. I am meditating daily, focusing on learning to direct my thoughts and empty my mind. I am a work in progress.

You are right, in that I will always be there to let my daughter vent, and be a safe place for her to fall. Somehow, I still feel like that this will happen down the road. I want to/need to be in a good place when this happens. I need to work on me...

I hope you catch a better night's sleep tonight, Dreamer!

Sending love and light,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
09/06/16 11:26:31AM
46 posts

"Divorcing" my son-in-law


Empath

Rene,

Wow! You're right. I can see that happening!

Well, if their lives are better off without me, then so be it. I have to accept the situation as it is, and realize that I will not be a presence in their lives. I have enough going on to keep me busy and focused on my future.

I've been angry and worried for years. My feeling this way certainly hasn't bothered them in the least.For now, I am just sad and numb, and learning to accept. It is hard not to hate him - for all of the pain and heartache that he has caused my daughter and grandchildren. I guess my recovery will be learning to love myself through this part of my life.

I admire your very tender and forgiving heart. You are an extremely strong woman, and I appreciate your taking the time to give such details about your situation. I send you love and light, too, and hope that you and your grandchildren stay safe and nurture loving relationships.

Hugs,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
09/06/16 06:13:52AM
46 posts

"Divorcing" my son-in-law


Empath

Rene -

Well, I tried to choke my narcissistic ex-husband once. Our marriage had been over for 4 years, and he refused to cooperate with the process. He refused to leave the house. He refused to take any action to complete the divorce process. We were living in the same house, and going our own ways during this time. He actually had a place to go, as his mothers home had an apartment attached to it, and it was unoccupied for years.

I did not leave, because I was the one who was working full time, paying all the bills, caring for our daughter and doing all of the house and yard work. He just slept and ate there. I wanted to keep the home for our daughters sake, to continue in the same school system, and keep her friends. I wanted as little disruption to her world as possible.

It came to a head one morning, when he started to threaten that he was "going to take me down, and that I was going to lose everything." I said,"Why? This is your daughters home! She doesn't deserve this, and neither do I! I have been tolerant and patient and given you plenty of time to make plans!" He started to curse at me and call me names...in front of our daughter, which he'd never done before. I told him to stop it, and when he saw me becoming upset, he taunted me all the more, daring me to do something about it. "Do you think you can take me?"

Well, 20 years of lies, emotional, mental and financial abuse all came to a head at once, and I attacked him. I tried to choke him, too. Sadly, this was in front of our daughter. I am such a nonviolent person, that I had no idea that I could act with such rage. We struggled for a few minutes, until my daughter said that she was going to call 911. It hit me that I could go to jail, and have her taken away from me, and that I might not ever see her again! Somehow, in the madness of that moment, I took the phone away from her and said, "No, I'm going to call 911!" M ex knew what that meant, that I was going to report him for abuse.

He immediately left the house, cursing at me. BUT! This incident was what made him finally leave the house, and start to complete the divorce process. After waiting for years, it was finally done within a few months. I was so relieved. He finally moved into that apartment at his mothers house.

However, I was haunted by those moments for years, and plagued with guilt. I wonder how much I scarred my daughter, to have witnessed that event. I'd wondered if I'd turned into a monster? I had a hypnosis session years later, and it was during that time that it came out that the situation that I reacted to was years in the making; that I had reached my breaking point; and that this situation was unique in my life, and that I will never find myself in a situation like that again. It was once, and done!

I was finally able to forgive myself and let it go.

Rene, I can understand your level of desperation when you acted to protect your granddaughter! I understand your lashing out at a crazy person. I am sorry that you had to pay such a high price for it, with ongoing physical difficulties and having to go to jail.It is unbelievable to me that after all that drama, that your son would return to such a relationship, have another baby...and, end up living next door! What is it about narcissists that they are so damn manipulative to such sensitive people?

I thank you for sharing, as I feel that you have prepared me for what my lie ahead. How do you manage to have any relationship with them? Is it all superficial? Do you spend time together as a family, or do you visit with your son and new grandchild without her? What about holidays? What about financial support? Or, do you live separate lives and just walk by each other and say hello? How do you keep your sanity with it all?

Thank you so much for sharing!

Peace and blessings,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
09/06/16 05:41:14AM
46 posts

"Divorcing" my son-in-law


Empath

Dreamer,

Well, even though you "didn't know why you were sharing this with me" - I know...because I can relate.

It turns out that when he was in therapy, that one of the things that was uncovered, was that he was a neglected child. His mother has no capacity for bonding or nurturing. She was diagnosed with codependency and depression years ago. She has admitted to "playing the system", because she didn't want to work anymore, and she knew that she needed to be formally diagnosed with a mental disability. So, she did a faked suicide attempt by taking an overdose of one of her antidepressants, spent some time in the hospital, continued her outpatient therapy treatments. She had to apply 3 times for disability, because she kept getting turned down. Her persistence paid off. So, for years now she's been collecting disability, as she takes long vacations and goes out for lunch with her friends. She is one sick woman.

When my son-in-law wrote her a long letter, wanting to meet with her to discuss his childhood, she simply replied by saying that she had no idea what he was talking about; that while she wasn't a perfect mother, that she did the best that she could; that he needed to just "get over his hangups". So, even though she has spent years in therapy (she still attends support groups every week), she is *unable* (unwilling) to see the benefit of meeting with her son, and trying to make an emotional connection or understand him.

I certainly know that all of this affects his personality, and I do feel for him. He has only ever shared a few highlights about his childhood with me. The rest I was told by my daughter, who swore me to secrecy..."he'd kill me if he ever found out that I told you!". My instincts tell me that he is trying to do the same thing, and use the system. My daughter told me that he has talked about getting a disability diagnosis, and stopping work. Even though, in spite of all of his symptoms, that he has proudly bragged that "he has never missed a day of work in his life!"It is such an oxymoron!!

I've had my share of therapy over the years, too; I know that things don't get better overnight; that healing is a process; and I've learned that hiding anything away, instead of exposing it, only allows it to fester all the more. As I said, he's been in therapy for years now, and has had ample opportunity to vent, share and start to recover from his childhood injuries. When he started his therapy, I told him that I"d be happy to go with him, if there were any issues that he wanted to address with me, and that this would be a safe place to do it and have the benefit of a therapist with us. I've reminded him about this several times, and he's never attempted to schedule anything for us.

I am so sorry that you've endured such a tortuous relationship with your parents, Dreamer. I can feel the pain in your words, and I wish that I had some magic formula for you to make it all better. It is during times like these that I have to reflect on the quote of, "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." You have been through a lot. You have survived. You are a very aware individual, and can see the big picture. Be gentle with yourself as you continue to recover. I know that it is a process, and you taking care of yourself is the most important thing.

Thank you for being brave, and sharing your story with me. I appreciate that you took the time to type so much.

Hugs and blessings,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
09/05/16 05:22:48PM
46 posts

"Divorcing" my son-in-law


Empath

The back story: my daughter eloped 13 years ago at age 19, with her husband whom she'd mostly had an online relationship with for 6 months. He was in the Navy at the time, and they'd met twice before when he came home for long weekends. Both of them were very naive and had no education outside of high school.

She got pregnant right away, having their first baby at age 20. They had their 2nd child in 2010. Their relationship has always been turbulent, and my daughter has had to "leave" him a few times, due to his temper, verbal abuse and moodiness. As far as I know, there has not been any physical abuse, other than him "grabbing or shoving" her.

In spite of my extreme dislike and distrust of him, I have been generous with my time and money, helping to support them in times of stress and financial hardship. My daughter almost died in 2013, having a ruptured appendix with gangrene, and complications after the surgery. Because of her being in the hospital, I lived in their home for about 3 weeks to take care of the kids while my son-in-law worked.

I have never felt loved or appreciated by my son-in-law. But, what can I expect from someone who is so immature and detached? When I've visited, I have done everything I can to stay out of his way, and not interfere with the household. I focus on my time with the grandkids, and having fun with them.

Three years ago, he was diagnosed with PTSD - although he has never seen any battles or have had to handle guns, etc. He was on a battleship and worked in the radio shack. He has been in counselling ever since (with 2 different counselors), and also marital therapy with my daughter. He's obtained a therapy dog, and has been put on multiple antidepressants, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety medications. I have seen no improvement in any of his actions or behavior in spite of all of these treatments.

He continues to treat my daughter and the kids poorly, calling them names, putting them down, and is very controlling in the household. Everyone walks on eggshells around him. He isolates her from her friends and family.

In the spring, she told me that she's had enough, and wants to leave him. I was trying to support her, encouraging her to build a plan to leave. She has now totally back-stepped again. I am at my limits with his behavior, and no longer want to be around him at all. His disrespect to my daughter is now rubbing off on the kids, and it kills me to witness it. They are turning into whiny, smart-mouthed kids, just like him. They are all demanding of my daughters time and attention, and she gets no rest. I find myself becoming angry and needing to constantly bite my tongue. My stomach is in knots, and my anxiety rises. I worry for their health, their safety and their future.

I have decided that it is not healthy for me to be in this environment, and that I am setting new boundaries for myself. If I am to visit with my daughter and the grandkids, I will only do so when my son-in-law is not around. I made this decision about a month ago, and have not heard from my daughter since then. Last week, she posted a quote on facebook, priding herself for being such a "strong woman", as she stands by her man.

I see this road as continuing to be long and circular. I am just wondering if anyone out there in the empath community has ever gone through something like this? How did you stay strong in your commitment to yourself, to keep your sanity and inner peace?


updated by @evolving: 02/05/17 11:09:07PM
Evolving
@evolving
01/30/16 08:30:13AM
46 posts

Upcoming Funeral


Empath

Blink,

I'm glad for you that you did the self-care that you needed to do for yourself. Glad that you got through the day without any drama. While I get the whole obvious division of family members, your sensitivity about who wished that they could interact with you, helped to bring you to another level of insight that perhaps you didn't have before.

I get it that you're heavy-hearted. That's how I felt coming home after my recent funeral. Life is too short for such narrow-mindedness and bickering. I know that I carry the same desires - for everyone to be healed and all just get along. If only we had a magic wand for such uses....! LOL! I want to be a fixer, too! But, it is healthier to walk away from situations that are unhealthy for YOU!

Interesting story about the pendant. I enjoyed what Trevor shared about his experience. Intuitively, I agree with him!

Be well!

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
01/28/16 04:56:33PM
46 posts

Upcoming Funeral


Empath

Yes, me too!

Evolving
@evolving
01/24/16 08:04:12AM
46 posts

Upcoming Funeral


Empath

Blink,

So happy that you've discovered sources of relief for yourself! May this trend continue for you!

Hugs and blessings,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
01/22/16 05:13:19PM
46 posts

Upcoming Funeral


Empath

Hello, Blink!

On Wednesday of this week, I just attended the funeral of my 93 year old ex-mother-in-law. I've been divorced from my ex-husband for 18 years, and have not seen my in-laws for about the past 6 years, as I'd moved away and started another life for myself. I am well aware of the tension that existed among these family members for years - who likes to create drama and stir the pot, who likes being bossy and who is genuinely kind. My ex has been estranged from his own family for the past 12 years that I'm aware of...he was living overseas for quite a number of years. He's back in the area and elected to not attend the funeral. Only 1 person asked me if I was ever in touch with my ex, and I quickly pronounced that we hadn't been in touch for many years. This stopped any further probing.

Our 31 year old daughter has tried to have a relationship with her Dad's family over the years, but in her opinion, "everyone still treats me like I'm a kid, and always wants to tell me what to do." She also has been criticized by them for her choices in life. No one has been involved enough to know the difficulties that she's worked hard to overcome over the past 12 years. In the past 5 years, she's elected to stay away from their drama, but still went to visit her Grandma when she was able. They were very close when she was young, as Grandma babysat for me for the first 5 years, until she went to school.

So, now that you have the background....I wanted to pay my last respects to this woman that I used to be close to up until the time my ex and I separated. She blamed me for our problems, without ever asking what was going on in the marriage. After that, I was on friendly and civilized terms with her, but we lost the closeness that we once had. (She used to refer to me as the daughter that she never had.) I was a nervous about attending...not knowing if I'd be welcomed or ostracized. My mind was going in many directions, trying to cover all of the bases of potential conversations.

I hope to reassure you, that what you build up in your mind, is usually far worse than what happens. As it turned out, it was a very subdued affair. I saw so many people from my past, who also came to pay their respects, that I never even thought that I'd see. They were genuinely happy to see me, and we shared very sweet and meaningful conversations. My ex-brothers in law and their wives were polite, shared smiles and hugs, and kept the conversations very light. I got the distinct feeling that no one wanted to dredge up the past or talk about anything that was unpleasant. Within an hour or so of being at the post-luncheon, I was able to breathe and carry on casual conversations with everyone.

My daughter was so glad that I went as a support to her, and I was glad to honor the memory of my late mother in law. It helped that I kept that as my focus, and to remember that no matter what happened, that the day was all about remembering the good times that we shared, and truly sharing my sadness with the family for their loss. I left feeling happy and proud of myself that I went, and the bonus was that I got to teach my grandchildren about the funeral process.

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you...please remember that you do have the choice to walk away from any uncomfortable situation. You can be polite and just say, "I don't want to get into any of this today." Be firm and true to yourself. Look into your heart and honor what you feel is right for you.

Best of luck to you! Please let us know how it turns out.

Hugs,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
01/15/16 06:19:03AM
46 posts

Reflections Of Life


Arts

I just found out that she passed away early this morning...the "usual" time between 3-5am. Last night I had sensed that she would be leaving during the overnight.

I sent her Reiki over the last 48 hours. I feel at peace with her, and that all is well.

I will be traveling several hours to be there to comfort my daughter and the rest of the family during the memorial service and funeral. I look forward to doing our little ceremony, trusting that the right time will appear when we're all ready.

Sending blessings,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
01/14/16 04:11:36PM
46 posts

Reflections Of Life


Arts

Bill,

What a lovely idea! I will most certainly do this, and invite my daughter and her family to do this with me. We can make it into a memorial ceremony.

Thank you for sharing your creativity with me.

Hugs,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
01/13/16 12:20:13PM
46 posts

Reflections Of Life


Arts

I was married to my first husband for almost 18 years. I was close to my in-laws for the first 14 years, until I separated from my husband. Even after my divorce, I remained polite and civilized to them, and had respect for them as my daughters grandparents.
Before my father-in-law passed away, he and I made peace. He even confided things in me that made me feel very privileged and honored to know him and be his friend. He died about 11 years ago. I will always remember his beaming grin and belly laughs, watching how he enjoyed watching his granddaughter play, and gently teasing her about her thumb-sucking. He had massive arms and hands, that astounded me with their gentleness with my little girl. He was a quiet man, with a subdued wisdom that came from living a hard life. He'd served his time in WWII, and lost his first wife in childbirth.
Fast forward to today when I found out that my former mother-in-law is dying. I'd always wished to rekindle our friendship and have that great heart to heart talk. But, she started to have a series of mini-strokes, and ended up going to assisted living. She's slowly deteriorated over the years, and despite some occasional visits, I was never able to achieve any kind of meaningful conversation with her ever again. I could never tell if her seeing me was a happy occasion, or a painful occasion. My gut sensed that she was uncomfortable around me, and that she purposely chose to remain closed and not share herself with me. And, therefore, it made the visits uncomfortable for me - even though my intentions were for us to heal.
I'm feeling reflective and a number of mixed emotions. Proud of my daughter for being at her grandma's bedside with her own children, and saying she is doing ok without me being there. Standing vigil with her uncles and their wives and her cousins who are there, watching as grandma squirms and moans from terrible pain. And, I'm sending prayers for a healing of her spirit and a quick, merciful departure of her soul.
I am sad knowing that very soon we'll be closing another chapter that will fade into history. Knowing that life will not quite be the same, without the interaction of their mother and grandmother. I don't know my place anymore. I haven't been a daughter in law, or sister in law, or aunt to this family for 16 years. Our lives spun us in different directions, especially as I recovered from my divorce and married again and moved away. Our connecting link - my daughter - also moved away, married and started her own family. This is how life goes.
I feel humbled, remembering how grateful I was to have such great in-laws, who babysat my baby girl while I worked; who hosted our Christmas and Easter dinners for many years, as we crowded around the dining room table, formally decked out in all its splendor; who were generous to us with their monetary gifts as we made a home for our family. I remember times spent on the swing in the backyard; picking cherries from the tree; fish fries on the porch; shopping trips to Strite's orchard; planting flowers along the borders; sitting in the rocking chairs, listening to the stories about Grandpa Z and Grandma A. All of these things that shaped my daughter's childhood and made it home.
Even though she is 93, it is still hard to accept this change. I want death to be tidy. I want it with great closure; with us knowing each other, accepting each other, loving each other warts and all, and not having any feelings of regret. That we did it all, and said it all and still came out with bear hugs for each other and had each others backs. It is my solemn hope and prayer that even though I am not at her bedside, that her soul knows this and is meeting me half-way. God bless you, AnnaMarie Z. L. Thank you for being a part of my life.

updated by @evolving: 03/04/17 08:38:32AM
Evolving
@evolving
01/11/16 11:46:12AM
46 posts

Helpful ways to detoxify


Empath

Janet,

I am truly sorry to hear about you experiencing a loss from death. I believe your coworker is correct! A loss on its own is enough to be very distracting for months at a time...if not for several years!

But, when you couple that with the diagnosis of alcoholism, well, let's just say that this is a whole 'nother can of worms all by itself. I am by no means an expert on the subject. But, I have known and spent time talking to Adult Children of Alcoholics who shared many of their horror stories with me. They certainly had long term repercussions from their experiences. Something like this would also greatly impact the grieving process.

My heart goes out to you! Be kind and gentle to yourself! Is there anyone else that you can talk to about it? I am a big believer in attending Grief Support Groups. It is a safe place to talk and unburden yourself. Perhaps check with your local churches or community groups?

Keep us posted, Janet. And, please allow yourself all the time that you need to grieve.

Hugs,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
01/11/16 11:15:13AM
46 posts

Helpful ways to detoxify


Empath

Janet,

Have you ever tried using gemstones for healing and protection?

Look here:http://askingangels.com/healing/crystals/protective-stones.php

You can also take a nice, long soak in a tub with Epsom salts and essential oils. Then, shower off.

If you know any grounding techniques, use them now, too!

Hang in there! It will go away!

Hugs,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
01/10/16 10:35:04AM
46 posts



Hello, Rebeccs!

What a beautiful habit to have developed so young! I can picture it just as you describe it happening to you, and it is quite beautiful!

I was told years ago, when I was learning Reiki, and struggling to learn the specifics of the techniques and feeling frustrated, that the techniques were secondary to what my intentions were. I actually cried when I was told that. Because, you see, it is my intent to always operate out of my highest intentions for good. It was a relief for me to learn such a concept. And, I try to operate from my highest good for myself and others each and every day.

It seems to me that this is exactly what you've been doing your whole life! I hope this reassures you about your intuition, intentions and technique.

Love and light to you!

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
01/10/16 05:21:11AM
46 posts

not wanting to talk


Empath

Hey, B!

You can always take a mental vacation. See this link for suggestions:

http://www.manner-of-happiness.com/take-a-mental-vacation/

Enjoy your "trip to the beach"!

Evolving
@evolving
01/08/16 12:52:17PM
46 posts

A Message of Love


Empath

Hey, Bing!

I haven't seen anything or thought about Leo Buscaglia in years. Had to stop and watch these. He sure was quite an inspiration...my guess is that he was a Lightworker who was ahead of his time. His messages are timeless, and his energy boundless.I just marked them as favorites on my youtube site so that I can revisit them again.

Thanks for posting!

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
01/08/16 10:22:44AM
46 posts

not wanting to talk


Empath

Hi, B!

Saying that you're "going through some stuff" leads me to believe that whatever it is may be something confusing and perhaps emotionally draining. When that happens, I can see the need to pull back, get introspective and be more involved in self-care and recovery.

Sounds normal. Especially if you are usually the "go-to guy" and maybe giving quite a bit to to others recently?

Take the time you need to ground yourself, get more focused, ponder the situation and rebuild your security and network. It pays to take care of you! You know in time you'll be busting out of these musings and come back full force.

Love and Light,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
12/29/15 05:09:50PM
46 posts

Thought forms


Empath

Wow! That's amazing! It reminds me more of psychic abilities than Empathic abilities...

The closest that I've ever come to that is with a little bit of psychometry...but, I haven't practiced that in years.

Evolving
@evolving
12/29/15 05:03:49PM
46 posts

Retreat for Empath


Empath

Thank you, Gene!

Evolving
@evolving
12/29/15 06:13:36AM
46 posts

Retreat for Empath


Empath

Hello, Martha!

I have never been here, but I did find this link. Perhaps you may want to check out what is being organized for 2016?http://www.empathconnection.com/workshops.htm

It is my goal to open up a retreat and healing center. I want to find a place in south central PA. I've been on the lookout for years trying to find a grand estate by the river. I've been giving my vision lots of positive energy and putting together many workshops in my head. I know it will be awesome when it materializes. Just the right balance of relaxation, great food and creative outlets! I know it will be a draw for fellow Empaths!

Evolving
@evolving
12/29/15 03:39:29AM
46 posts

Thought forms


Empath

I've never really thought about this before. I know that I pick up on others emotions...and, I think at times that I may pick up on their general thoughts, or receive insights into their thoughts? Not sure how to describe it.

When this has occurred, I think it usually happens because of theirstrong emotions. And, I am in the vicinity of them. I'm not sure that I have "walked into them" after they have left a location.

If I'm interpreting you correctly, what is occurring for you is specific to an individual who leaves an imprint of their emotions behind in a specific location?

Evolving
@evolving
12/29/15 03:25:56AM
46 posts

Self-Soothing


Empath

Hello, Lastars!

I love what you've shared. I need to adopt your phrase, or as you suggested, devise a way to do my own reality check. This is genius! Thank you!

Evolving
@evolving
12/29/15 03:22:00AM
46 posts

Self-Soothing


Empath

Happy for you! Inner peace and a peaceful home are lovely gifts!

Evolving
@evolving
12/28/15 07:04:01AM
46 posts

Dysfunctional Family - Staying Away??


Empath

Hello, B!

I love how succinctly you put it! Yes, I love my Dad. He has been there for all 5 of us kids. But, he has supported my baby sisters family the most. I am not jealous about this. I am happy for her that she has their love, support and help. God knows she and her family have benefited plenty by having them in their lives, and it is a blessing for them.

So, when my nephew was so quick to talk down to my Dad, it did push my button. I've been working on not reacting, and have been rehearsing it in my head so many times. I disappointed myself for not living up to this goal that I've set for myself.

I do have plenty to offer, and I will go forth and bring joy, laughter, love and healing where I can.

Thank you for your kind words.

Evolving
@evolving
12/27/15 04:28:08PM
46 posts

Self-Soothing


Empath

Thank you, Karen!

I appreciate your support and encouragement. I do work very hard on my objectivity and introspection...but, in spite of that, it is always great to have validation from fellow Empaths.

Evolving
@evolving
12/27/15 04:26:26PM
46 posts

Self-Soothing


Empath

Thank you, Sandie!

I finally watched a great movie this afternoon, and it's helped to shift my focus.

I appreciate your encouragement and support.

Evolving
@evolving
12/27/15 04:24:55PM
46 posts

Self-Soothing


Empath

Hello, Visitor!

That's a good question. This Christmas has been mixed with some sadness for multiple reasons. I believe that I've been handling it fairly well. I do journal regularly and do meditation several days per week, and all of this has kept me grounded.

I've had a few healing sessions like you describe. I wish I could say that it made a difference for me. I'm glad that you've had some great sessions!

Evolving
@evolving
12/27/15 04:19:30PM
46 posts

Self-Soothing


Empath

Journey Inward,

Thank you for the smiles, in reading about Tim Gunn's reference to monkey poo! It hits the mark.

Your instincts are correct, in that I'd already been breathing-through and walking away from hours worth of negativity over the weekend. I was actually feeling sorta proud that I was doing so well, steering myself away from several draining scenarios. I almost made it through the weekend.

I'm learning, once again, the lesson of forgiveness of self - - - in addition to the need for me to limit my time during family gatherings when this part of the family is present.

Evolving
@evolving
12/27/15 01:37:47PM
46 posts

Self-Soothing


Empath

How do you break your cycle of upset? How do you stop the tape that keeps repeating in your head that replays the terrible scenes over and over again? How do you stop the shame and guilt when you believe that you were speaking your truth, which did not resonate with anyone else - and, not believe that you are the one who's weird, and is a freak of nature?

I've been crying on and off all day, due to an upsetting scene with my family. I have a ball in my stomach from all the muscular tension I feel. I just want to crawl into a hole and escape. I need an escape from my own feelings.

The thing is - I know all about deep breathing, yoga, meditation, going out for a walk, etc. and yet have no energy to bring myself to do any of it. What I feel like I want most of all is a best friend who gets me, and who simply lets me vent and cry on her shoulder. Who tells me that it's OK to have a crazy moment and to let it pass and that I don't have to beat myself up about it...who reminds me that I'm only human. That wanting to run away from a toxic situation is simply self-preservation, especially for an Empath. Who reminds me that I will recover from this, and that life will go on. And, also who reminds me that it is very important that an Empath honor their feelings at all times, despite what anyone else thinks...

Well, just typing this and putting the words out there has been a bit of an outlet. Thanks for listening, and offering any words you have to share.


updated by @evolving: 03/03/17 04:35:44PM
Evolving
@evolving
12/27/15 09:22:44AM
46 posts

Dysfunctional Family - Staying Away??


Empath

I'm falling apart.

Last night during one of our family get togethers, I lashed out at my 18 year old nephew, who has Aspergers.

I've been working so hard on mediatating, trying to live in the moment, be peaceful and was so focused on approaching the holiday time staying grounded with my goal to look past the numerous dysfunctions within my family. I was happy as I got through Xmas eve, Xmas day and almost the whole day of the 26th, until about 7pm. Then, my nephew started an argument with my 81 year old father while we were conversing at the dinner table.

My nephew totally disrespected my Dad. My Dad has bent over backwards helping him with various projects for most of his life. He was yelling at my Dad, and blowing him off basically saying that my Dad was out of touch with his goals for his project. (My nephew likes to play with wires and fans, and he thinks that he is "building something" or "inventing something" because he strings a few wires together. His contraptions have been known to overheat, and is a fire-risk in his home.) His remarks hit a nerve with me. I just reacted, and followed him out of the room, yelling back at him at how dare he speak to my Dad that way, when he has done more for him than his own father? He has supported him and encouraged him, and he can't even listen fully to what my Dad was trying to explain to him.

Anyway, I ranted for about 10 minutes. I'm sure it was a waste of my breath, as I could see that he shut down on me, and wasn't comprehending anything. When I returned to the family table, everyone was telling me that I shouldn't have done that, and that "It's just his hormones right now, and that I needed to be more understanding." I looked at all of them and said that I believed that they were making excuses for him and babying him. That they were not teaching him to have respect for his elders and all of the shared history that he and my father had together.

My sister (his mom) sat down and took my hand and said that she talks to him about this kind of stuff all of the time, and because of his Aspergers, he is socially inept and doesn't pick up on social cues. I do know that about Aspergers, but in my gut, the scene played out more like he was being a brat and acting very spoiled.

I've been beating myself up ever since. I can't stop reliving that moment and the hours that passed afterwards. I feel so ashamed and guilty. I feel misunderstood by my family.

I am considering not returning to my sisters home for awhile. Three out of four of her kids have issues: The eldest is ODD, the second with Aspergers, OCD, ADHD and the fourth has ODD, ADHD and gives me the slimiest feelings whenever he is around. I can't handle all of the negativity, lies, manipulation, self-centeredness of the kids, and how the adults have to "ignore" all of the craziness. I just can't do it. I thought I could handle it, and it just causes me anxiety and I become angry.

I feel dysfunctional myself right now. The thought of returning to their home just feels so toxic. I don't want to be a part of it. I don't know how to say this to my sister without hurting her feelings.


updated by @evolving: 05/07/17 11:31:59PM
Evolving
@evolving
12/08/15 05:50:54AM
46 posts

How do you meditate?


Empath

Umar,

Glad to know that I could share something that has meaning for you!

I had never heard of a Spiritualist church, either. I stumbled upon it, after I became interested in learning more about psychics. The cause of wanting to learn more about psychics came, after I met a "white witch" at work. (I worked in a hospital at the time.) This woman was kind enough to divulge her "secret" with me, and share some insights that she had observed about me and my coworkers.

She said that I was a "healer". That is such an old and generic term, it really did not make sense to me. But, it made me curious, and so I had to learn more about what this meant. She told me that I was working with a lot of "energy vampires" and that this was draining me. She suggested that I find ways to ground myself. This process was like me learning a foreign language. It has taken me years to get here, with much reading and study. But, without knowing it, she set me upon a path that has brought me more peace and understanding and enlightenment than I ever knew possible.

If you are interested in learning about the Spiritualist church, I suggest that you begin here:

https://www.nsac.org/definitions.php

The churches are scattered, and many people who belong to them drive some distance to attend the services. It is lovely to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance in a community. While I met some beautiful souls at the church, I also met some ego-driven people at church, too. I learned to steer clear of them, and instead focused on enjoying all of the camaraderie we shared.

Best wishes on your search, Umar!

Evolving
@evolving
12/07/15 06:41:53AM
46 posts



Hi, Karina!

I am fairly new to listening to Abraham Hicks. But, when he describes what a healthy love relationship looks like, he describes exactly what you are describing.

He says that there is no urgency; that there is an ease and trust and harmony in the relationship. That when there are disagreements, that communication flows and the couple knows how to work together to resolve the differences. That the need to commit to one another is not urgent. It starts with "we're having a great time right now. Let's keep enjoying ourselves and see how it goes." (Of course, I'm paraphrasing!)

Wishing you both joy!

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
12/07/15 06:29:34AM
46 posts

Getting too emotionally involved too quickly..


Empath

HI, erikarachel7!

Just my 2 cents...from what you've written, you are perfectly happy and contented with what you have had in your relationship with him. If you were looking for something more yourself, you could have pursued it. It is perfectly fine to "not be on the same page". You have a FRIEND! What a lovely and wonderful thing. You have trust, you have safe boundaries, you have a confidant! There is no rule that says you have to make it into something more, if you aren't into him that way.

The fact that you are "craving that person" is not surprising. If he ends up in a relationship with another woman, then you know it will change your dynamic with him. He won't be likely to spend as much time with you; he probably won't be apt to cuddle with you, call you, look to hang out with you, be available to listen, the way that he's been doing. Well, that is a sad thing. You'll be missing your friend.

Please do not get discouraged that you are "emotionally attached." You are away from home in a new situation in college. You've been looking for new friends, new hangouts, trying new things. Try to soothe yourself with the knowledge that you've been able to make a positive connection, and while it may morph when he starts dating other girls, that you've already established yourself as a good friend and confidant. THAT is very special in my book!

Take care!

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
12/07/15 05:54:22AM
46 posts

How do you meditate?


Empath

Hi, Umar!

I just started a meditation practice about 2 weeks ago. I was inspired to do so after listening to an Abraham Hicks lecture. Over the years, I'd always hesitated to start a practice, because I have trouble sitting still, and quieting my mind.

What helped me along the way, was joining a Spiritualist church years ago. I participated in a development circle, and learned the importance of grounding myself. Since then, I've listened to many audio recordings of how to ground yourself, center yourself, etc. This is an important step so that one can connect to the Divine, and your spirit guides. It helped to have the encouragement of others in the group, to listen to them talk about what they experienced and how more enlightened they felt afterwards. I continue to use grounding as my initiation to prayer. I've since moved and miss the group very much.

So, here is what I've recently started doing: after waking up in the morning, I immediately write in my journal. Then, I will sit crossed legged on my bed, close my eyes, ground myself and then just try to empty my mind. The journaling ahead of time helps me to de-clutter my thoughts. I've been told that "prayer is talking, and meditation is listening." And so, I just listen. And breathe. And take in the sounds around me. What I've noticed thus far, is that random thoughts appear - that usually bring a smile to my face - and then, I let it go and breathe again. This usually lasts 15-20 minutes. Then, I'll get up to start my day.

Today was the first day, where I think I received a one word message while meditating. It's very nice to know that someone on the other side took the time to whisper in my ear! I look forward to my sessions, knowing that I begin each day with peacefulness, calmness and centeredness.

Namaste', my friends!

Evolving
@evolving
12/07/15 05:25:30AM
46 posts

In a slump


Empath

Hi, dariasdouble212!

I can relate to all you've described! My question for you is, do you think that it has anything to do with the time of the year? Ever since we turned the clocks back one hour for daylight savings time, I've been feeling sort of "draggy". Meaning, I am just dragging my tail around to get things done!

My impression of myself, is realizing that it is darker earlier, and when the daylight goes, it takes my energy with it. I am going to bed sooner, sleeping longer and am less motivated to work when the weather is cold and I feel a bit holed up in the house. (I am so sensitive to the cold, I layer like crazy when I go outside!)

Also, with the holidays, and all of the extra work that it brings in decorating, shopping, meal preps, cookie baking, work and social parties to attend, these tend to compete for even more time in your life, on top of all of the usual obligations. Juggling all of this is stressful and tiring.

I laugh at myself, saying that at this time of the year, I wish I were a hibernating animal! LOL! I want to eat to fill up my fat storage, sleep through the cold winter months snuggled in a warm, safe place and avoid all of the crowds and noise!

What I really end up doing though, is pacing myself. I am no longer concerned about how others feel when I turn down a holiday party; I make less complicated meals; I decorate less; and, I take care of my soul more. I am listening to the holiday music that I love, and watching the holiday movies that I love and am learning to feel less guilty when I take my Power Naps on the occasional afternoon.

Oh, and like Umar, I also make a list for the week. If I even get a few things crossed off, it is satisfying. I've learned to stop expecting perfection in myself, and am OK with making any progress that I can.

I hope this helps!

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
12/07/15 04:36:25AM
46 posts

Hi!


Empath

Thank you, Leafherder!

Evolving
@evolving
12/06/15 02:18:41PM
46 posts

Dating Websites


Empath

Umar,

Great food for thought, and interesting reads! Thanks so much for posting these!

I do have full body shots...in a dress...which shows off my figure, without showing a lot of skin.

I am smiling in all of my pictures. In several pictures, I have included other people - taken at events.

I seem to meet the recommended photos to catch a guys attention...now, just to keep them current!

Now, onto figure out how to edit my lengthy profile! LOL!

Nice to meet you, Umar!

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
12/06/15 08:17:30AM
46 posts

Dating Websites


Empath

Yes, karma!

Exactly! Time wasters!

Thank you for your boost of confidence about finding Mr. Right!

Take care!

Evolving
@evolving
12/06/15 08:14:55AM
46 posts

Dating Websites


Empath

I had one date a few months ago. Met on POF. He'd written a great profile, and had a few nice pictures.

We exchanged a few emails and one phonecall before we met. The date felt awkward to me the whole time. I don't ever remembering feeling so restless and fidgety. I was so bored, and I kept wondering what was wrong with me.

Even after I got home, and discussed the date with my sister, I found myself telling her what a gentleman he was, polite, dignified, clean and neat in appearance and that I enjoyed our walk outside and touring an art museum. All of that was true....BUT...

When he talked about himself and his life, he seemed aimless. He didn't seem to have any kind of drive or passions in his life. His voice was very monotone for hours. He didn't smile at all. We hugged hello, but there was no other touch during our conversations. I usually talk with my hands, and will touch an arm or a shoulder, which I did do with him. When we parted, he made a statement like, "Do you want to do this again, or do you want to kick me to the curb?" Was this my clue? Does he have low self-esteem? He was truly a nice guy - but, something was just off for me.

I texted him after I got home to thank him for the date. He did not text back, and I never heard from him again.

I actually found this a relief. I wish I understood better how to tune into all of the nebulous stuff that occurs on a psychic level. I have no logical explanation for why I wanted to crawl out of my skin during the date...but, my psyche knew something that I needed to trust and listen to even though I don't understand it.

Can any of you relate to something like this?

Evolving
@evolving
12/05/15 04:21:13AM
46 posts

Dating Websites


Empath

Thank you, karma!

When I look at a guys profile, I take it all in. I read their self-descriptions, and what they are seeking in a relationship. I look at all of their pictures. I read every answer and their comments to the online questions. If I am impressed by what I've read, and am interested in them, I do not hesitate to contact them.

What has consistently happened, is that they end up not wanting to further any communication. So many guys only want to meet a woman who is within 25 miles from where they live. I am open to meeting a guy who lives anywhere, because no matter where they live, communication for me has to start online, and then progress to phonecalls before I would agree to meet. As an Empath, I know that I can easily pick up on their vibes and intentions, and would not meet if something felt off for me.

I did have a successful relationship after meeting someone online in 1999. We had a wonderful long distance relationship for 5 years, and did end up getting married, and it was a great relationship. Unfortunately, he died from cancer at age 49. As someone who does not go out to bars and loud social scenes, this is a practical and convenient way to try to meet guys.

I'd even did a trial with a spiritual singles dating website. I was amazed to find that there were a number of men to contacted me who were atheist and agnostic. I wondered why they were on a spiritual dating website, when there was nothing spiritual about them? They obviously had not read my profile, as I distinctly said that I was only interested in meeting men who actively engage in a spiritual practice.

I am glad that you like the idea for an Empath dating website. I'll have to find a way to get one started! :0)

Have a great day!

Evolving
@evolving
12/05/15 04:03:39AM
46 posts

Dating Websites


Empath

Thank you, Whitejade for sharing your experience.

I am not surprised to know that looks matter....I guess I did not expect them to come FIRST.

Well, I am here to learn, and I appreciate your feedback!

Have a great day!

Evolving
@evolving
12/05/15 04:01:38AM
46 posts

Dating Websites


Empath

Thank you, Amaya!

I did go to the okcupid blog. What a fascinating read! I appreciate you sharing it with all of us.

Your experiences with online dating websites is very interesting to me, especially in regard to paying vs. free subscriptions. I'd explored some of those millionaire dating websites out of curiosity, and so much of it was extremely superficial. My observation was that most people were there to just hook up, and not develop any type of quality relationship.

I have 5 photos on my profile, too. When men contact me, most of their remarks are, "You're so pretty!". But then, that's it...nothing about what I wrote, what they're interested in learning about me; have not asked me any questions, or even suggested a date. It's almost like they're just passing by my photo on a page, make a quick comment, and move on. Perhaps it is just a normal part of this "Twitter generation", and this social media stuff is just lost on me?

Amaya, thanks for taking the time to respond. While I am not discouraged from continuing to make an effort to meet some really nice guys via dating websites, what I am hearing that I am not alone in wading through this sea of online profiles.

Happy fishing to you!

Evolving
@evolving
12/04/15 10:11:50AM
46 posts

Hi!


Empath

Thank you!

Evolving
@evolving
12/04/15 09:21:40AM
46 posts

Dating Websites


Empath

Hi, everyone!

I've been newly single for 7 months. I've been online exploring various free dating websites. So many of them seem hokey. I've probably joined and then quickly quit at least a dozen of them.

Right now, I belong to 2 of them, that seem pretty pretty middle of the road. They are POF and okcupid. I like okcupid more, because you can answer over 1000 questions that can line you up with potential dates, based on the percentages of what you have in common.

The funny thing is - even with all of the screening, it is my opinion that most guys don't even look at that. I get the impression that guys still operate mostly on looks. I've had guys contact me that are up to 30 years my junior, and that I have nothing in common with - and, they're looking for a response.

Believe me, I'm not losing sleep over it...I can see the humor in it all and laugh if off (and block these guys from bothering me anymore).

I guess the surprising (and frustrating) part, is the guys who do answer lots of questions, who do post nice pictures of themselves, who seem like decent, family-men are not the ones who reach out to me. And, if I reach odut to them, there is no interest on their part.

Is anyone else in the same boat? Do you think it really matters at all or changes the outcome of meeting someone of quality on whether or not you pay for a membership versus a free one; whether or not you write a book about yourself versus just a few lines; whether you have one photo of yourself versus 20? I would love to hear what you've experienced!

In a perfect world, I'd love to join a dating website started that is strictly for Empaths! Does anyone know if Elaine Aron has such a thing planned for her website?

Thanks in advance for sharing your stories!

Evolving


updated by @evolving: 01/14/17 01:25:52AM
Evolving
@evolving
12/04/15 08:52:39AM
46 posts

Breaking up


Empath

Hi, Karen!

It's been almost 2 years since you wrote this post. I hope by now that your life has settled down for the better.

I had a hard break up about 6 months ago. I was with my BF in a turbulent relationship for 6 years. He has OCD. For the most part, I could overlook his need to recheck things repeatedly, always having to drive certain ways and certain roads, prepare the same meals over and over again...these were the little things.

The big things involved his need to control me and my life. He put down my personal decisions to return to school, to my decisions to support my daughter, to take my own trips, to how I handled my work stress and spent my money. His approach was to be harsh, critical and he used put downs. It took me a long time to figure out why I was crying and nervous around him so much of the time.

When things were good, we had great times. We'd travel together, do home repairs together, the yard work, cooking and movie watching. There were times of peace, tranquility and love. That is what made it difficult to break up. This is what I felt guilty about for months.

In the end, I know I made the right decision. He can't help wanting to control what is around him...including me. I had to take a stand for myself, and do what was best for me. And, that meant opening my eyes enough to realize that the daily little nagging habits he had wore on my nerves. It took me getting away to see how many times I held my breath around him, felt confined and restricted, felt angry and sad and like I was the one who was always compromising. We did not speak for 5 months. And then, his father just died, and my heart went out to him.

Over the past 6 weeks, we've texted, emailed and spoke briefly on the phone. I can now say that I can be a bit of a friend to him and support him from afar. I have strong boundaries set up for myself, and I know that I can protect myself. This brings me peace and comfort. I can now say that we are casual friends.

I wish you healing and peace,

Evolving

Evolving
@evolving
12/04/15 08:22:37AM
46 posts

Hi!


Empath

Hi, Everyone!

I just joined The Empath Community. Nice to find this website and be able to explore all that you have to offer!

I discovered that I was an Empath in 2003 after attending a lecture given by a psychic. It was an eye-opening and emotional experience for me. It took me some time to find Elaine Aron, take her test, read her books and begin to get insight into who I am, how to protect myself and how to nurture myself.

I can't say that I have it all figured out, but I am further along now than I was before I learned that I am Empath. Having self-acceptance, and self-love for this gift has made my life a little easier in my day to day living.

I am a work in progress when it comes to using my gift to be a light to others.

I look forward to reading all you have to share.

Many blessings to all in this community.

Sincerely,

Evolving


updated by @evolving: 02/23/17 01:14:01AM