Struggling, hence my username 'Strugglebunny'
I don't get on here and utilize this community enough. I don't give back in this community enough. Being service minded is a gift, but I only receive it if I work at it. I think most of us would like to pride ourselves on how 'helpful' we are, but the reality for ME is that I'm naturally self-centered because I'm with myself more than anyone, so I'm thinking of self more. I have to work at thinking and doing for those around me. That being said, I do naturally feel the feelings of others and I do genuinely want to help. Be it through sharing my experience or just listening. Where I'm struggling today, and in life it seems, is that it's as if my circle/world is ever changing. I understand, the only constant is change and the little cliches we refer to, but I'm only 29 and I'm so tired of it. 29 years isn't a long time to live compared to how long we can live. It seems I inevitably get close to people who either don't grow or have an innate ability to be unaccountable to how their actions make me feel while I'm accountable to how I affect them. I feel like I'm doing something wrong? Or getting close to the wrong people. It's causing me to fear getting close to others. How can you tell someone is going to dismiss you in the beginning of a friendship/relationship? While I take on their feelings and try to be helpful I get drained along the way, and feel as though I don't get a lot in return. I know we're not supposed to expect things in relationships, but it's not unreasonable to want the same empathy in return right? I find myself not telling people what I need enough, or not drawing a line in my relationship... then I get resentful and cause harm sometimes. That's my selfish piece in this - that I stay quiet, don't say what I need or establish boundaries out of fear of rejection or the relationship ending. So it goes on and on and I continue to be drained out of my own actions. That's what happened in a friendship I'm going through right now. I love this girl, but she's been in and out of a relationship for 3 + years and I've been there throughout all of it. It gets tiring trying to help someone who doesn't take any of your suggestions and ends up in the same spot at the end. It's draining and exhausting. I ended up blowing up on her and telling her EXACTLY how I felt. I know I hurt her feelings, but I felt as though I needed to get all that garbage off my chest. She completely pointed the finger at me after what I said and hasn't spoken to me since. I've done some internal work on this and through that work know I owe her an amends. I've reached out to her twice in hopes to do just that, but haven't received a response. Which is okay. It's up to her at this point. I've done the work on my end to make it right, I know I can't force anyone to hear me right my wrongs. The point of all this and my communication here is that I'm so sensitive y'all, and I'm hurt by all of this. I know what I did was wrong (blowing up at her) and that I should have established boundaries years ago in our friendship, but I can't shake the feeling that I attract the wrong people. What do I do? Or is this just life sometimes? How do I not absorb all of people's hurt in their life, give them suggestions and have no expectations of what they do with it? How do I shield myself from this? Has anyone else experienced this?