Forum Activity for @shadowpath

shadowpath
@shadowpath
05/22/15 06:37:22AM
7 posts

Fear of God


Empath

Hi, I was hoping maybe some of you good people could help me out.

I am not afraid of God, I'm terrified. My adoptive father was a fundamentalist evangelical pastor. This was back in the days of pulpit pounding and hell-fire and brimstone. For me the central character of God was not love, but judgement. On top of that was the judgement of the congregation, that my character and actions would reflect badly on my father. Then throw on top of that being an unaware empath and not being able to ignore the judgements of my classmates. My formative years felt like being a bug under a magnifying glass.

I used to have recurring nightmares of being thrown into hell. I no longer remember my dreams.

I want to believe that God is love. Yet for me, just being able to relax and enjoy myself always seemed wrong. That happiness was an act of defiance. I became hyper aware of my own faults and beset with a sense of impending doom.

For the last few years I have tried to reject anything of a spiritual nature. I became a complete atheist/materialist. I rejected emotion and tried to embrace pure reason. I tried to climb into the box of science and the material world in an attempt to escape. I became humourless and pedantic. I finally convinced myself that all that awaited me upon death was oblivion. And at first I finally found some relief. But as time went on and I examined the world through the lens of science I realized the only emotion I ever felt was futility. I longed for the grave. I longed for nothingness. There was no justification for the suffering I felt and saw. Pain was just pain. Survival just for survival's sake.

So with much fear and trembling I began my inward journey, again. I have been desperately searching for that elusive joy and wonder that I foggily remember from my short and happy childhood. I long to believe that there is a good purpose to this existence.

So please, I would like to hear about your ideas of God. And it doesn't have to be from a Christian point of view. Tell me why you have hope. What chases away your fear of death? What helps you deal with pain and suffering?

Thank you

Tony


updated by @shadowpath: 01/17/17 03:34:33PM
shadowpath
@shadowpath
05/21/15 11:45:26AM
7 posts

To hurt others I have to be willing to hurt myself.


Empath

I hear ya Daniel. I worked on a national political campaign in my early 20s and had the "pleasure" of rubbing shoulders with some of the movers and shakers in DC. I was not aware of being an empath at the time, but let me tell you did it take all of my self control not to jerk my hand away from their greasy handshakes.

I realized quickly that politics was not for me. Yet I'm still haunted by it. The system has become so corrupt. It has made me ponder the nature of power and what it does to those who wield it for years. It seems a shame that empaths are pretty much excluded from the political realm.

I wish I had some answers for you. Keep your chin up and make a difference where you can.

shadowpath
@shadowpath
05/21/15 09:43:21AM
7 posts

To hurt others I have to be willing to hurt myself.


Empath

I think the hardest thing for me to accept is that other people are not like us. I've gotten the "you're crazy" handle tossed at me more times than I can count. But hey, sanity in a mad world would look crazy wouldn't it? Thanks for the kind words.

shadowpath
@shadowpath
05/21/15 09:37:41AM
7 posts

To hurt others I have to be willing to hurt myself.


Empath

Thanks Bing, I find your reply interesting and would love to discuss it further. Thanks!

shadowpath
@shadowpath
05/21/15 09:36:20AM
7 posts

To hurt others I have to be willing to hurt myself.


Empath

Wise words. I guess it is all about picking your battles and learning how to prioritize.

shadowpath
@shadowpath
05/21/15 09:35:14AM
7 posts

To hurt others I have to be willing to hurt myself.


Empath

Thanks for the kind words Gene. What a relief to know that others get it.

shadowpath
@shadowpath
05/19/15 07:38:29AM
7 posts

To hurt others I have to be willing to hurt myself.


Empath

Hi I'm new here and just starting to get my head around this. Can anyone else relate with this sentiment? I have been called too passive, weak, unassertive, and shy my whole life. The few times that I have purposely hurt others I had to harness an enormous amount of anger. I now realise that that anger was not directed at my victim but myself.

I'm 37 and still have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life. I feel like a scared kid on the edge of a pool unwilling to dive into the game of life. Sure Ive waded in from time to time but always recoiled. I realize now that it is because I hate the game. The game of dog eat dog. I refuse to become a cannibal. To join in the feeding frenzy. I would rather starve than become a "successful person".

When I am in the depths of depression and despair I can feel the collective pain and just want to somehow take it all away. How can a person just be blindly happy in the midst of so much suffering. Like having a grand ole party in Auschwitz.

I realize that I'm no good to anyone if I can't keep my own head above water, yet lately I have been having a hell of a time seeing any hope. I want to fight those who encourage cannibalism, yet have no idea how to do it. It reminds me of that saying: ** Vulgar yes but it gets the point across. The tools of peace seem so weak compared to the weapons of greed. Why does it seem like it so much easier to destroy than to build, to dominate than to love, to frighten than to calm. Are we in hell? If so, I want to go home.

So can anyone relate? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Tony


updated by @shadowpath: 05/19/17 11:24:53PM