What is wrong with me?
Hi, Occasionally we have to let out what is haunting us regardless of how dark it is. I have been where you are years ago. I cannot speak for you but perhaps sharing a small portion of me you can make some sense out of what is going on with you. I do want to ask if you have considered that it could possibly be depression? Reason being is I am no stranger to depression, it runs deep in my family as it is hereditary. What you write shows the hallmarks of depression......just saying.
I am not looking for sympathy here as I have made peace with my troubled past. I have had quite the turbulent life that included being molested as a child, physically abused and emotionally used in my relationships. I have witnessed things that no one should ever be exposed to. This made me react exactly as you have written. I see someone that has been hurt very deeply and doesn’t want it to happen again so you build a wall of sorts and put on the “tough” front as so you will not be injured any more than you have. After a while of doing this, it comes second nature even though it’s not your true essence....the one that feels bad after pushing away. I don’t know how long you and your ex have been separated, but dealing with coming out of a relationship with a narc can affect you negatively for years....been there done that. Maybe write down the nasty message you want to send your ex to get it out of your system, then do a ritual burning of the note....that in itself is very cleansing.
First and foremost, take care of yourself.....treat yourself to something that you like doing and makes you feel good. Get out in nature if you can and just get some fresh air, go for a walk. Soak in a tub of salt water. Perhaps you should look into seeing a doctor to rule out depression. You are not a bad person so don’t tell yourself you are.