Emmy Long

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Here goes...

By: Emmy Long
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Well I feel like I have a lot of friends on here now since joining, and I consider that such a blessing. Especially right now in this moment, when I need to pour my soul out to somebody but don't think I can do it face to face. I have been posting a lot of negative posts lately. And that's just not me, but my life hasn't been normal lately.Where to even start. I guess with the big issue. My boyfriend/fianc (we're in a weird place right now as you'll soon read) relapsed. He is a heroin addict, and got into some legal trouble about a year ago and as a result got put into a program where is required to complete certain classes and also gets drug tested a couple of times a week. He was doing so well, and then all of a sudden he wasn't. And because of a failed drug test, he got set to jail about two weeks ago and has to stay there until he can get into a rehab facility. He will most likely wait around a month in jail and then complete a 28 day program at the rehab. I'm just hoping that's long enough, but I'm fearful it won't be. I went through the whole addiction thing with him once and I swore I would NEVER do it again. Unless you've been through it, you have no idea the implications you go through as a result of dating an addict. It wasn't fair to me. So I'm really struggling on what to do now. I have decided to support him through this one relapse because I love him so much and I'm just not ready to give up. But I'm terrified.Then, this really great guy who is basically perfect starts talking to me again and made it perfectly clear that he wants to be with me. Now, I will never cheat, but this totally through me for a loop. I'm staying with my boyfriend, whom I love, but it's a huge risk. And here's this perfect guy waiting for me right there in front of my face. I'm not saying I would get into a serious relationship with this other guy if I were single, but I do want that fun relationship back where I don't have to worry about drugs and lies and prison. Doesn't help that we as empaths take on the emotions of the people crushing on us. Luckily I am able to separate them from my own. :)And so now here I am. Risking a lot for the person I love. And I realize I've been feeling a lot better since he's been in jail these last two weeks. And that makes me feel so guilty. I'm not happy that HE is gone. I'm just happy that the drugs and everything they bring with them are out of my life again.I'm just torn. And feeling guilty even though I've done nothing wrong. And I'm terrified. And as mush as I hate to admit it, I'm relieved.
Emmy Long
03/08/15 09:24:15PM @emmy-long:
It is exactly like having a third person in the relationship. And I would have given up a long time ago if I hadn't known him before the drugs. Top of his class in high school, deans list in college, never broke the rules or got in trouble. Everyone thinks they're the exception to the rule, but he truly wasn't the type of person to use drugs. We had so much in common and had so much fun together. But then drugs came in and ruined it all. And just when I started to trust him again all of this happens.And sometimes I feel like that stupid girlfriend you always hear about saying "he's different, he'll change". But the truth is I know he's an addict and I don't know if he will change. And right now letting go doesn't feel right. If he fails another drug test after this stint in rehab he will be going to prison for several years and honestly that's probably best for him AND me.
Emmy Long
03/09/15 05:46:28PM @emmy-long:
Shyshadows: I am afraid he will fail again too. But the truth is there's nobody else I'd rather be with than SOBER him. And as stupid as it seems to even me, I want to give him this chance because if there's anyway I can have him back the way he used to be, then I don't want to miss out on it. I know truly in my heart that if he does fail again, then I will be ready to let go. Do you think that makes sense? I won't be angry if you say no. I'm just trying to wrap my head around whether I'm being logical giving this second chance.
Emmy Long
03/09/15 06:15:33PM @emmy-long:
Door: thanks so much for letting me know I'm not the only one out there this "stupid" because sometimes it does seem like I'm the only one. It's easy for people on the outside to say "just leave him. You're being dumb." And while they do it because they love me and also they are most likely right; I'm still hurting and feeling badly about myself and the situation. I know I have the love and support to let go if the time comes that he decides to continue his use. But I just don't think any amount of support at this point can convince me that I MYSELF am ready to be done. I know I'll always wonder "what if" if I don't see this one time through.
Emmy Long
03/09/15 08:10:21PM @emmy-long:
Thanks GenX. I have already talked to his mom about him staying there after rehab for awhile. And as for the other guy. I'm not really considering dating him or anything. He's really more of just a reminder of what else is out there. Nice, sober, responsible men. Thanks so much for the encouragement. It's nice to get this out and have friends care about what you have to say.
Emmy Long
03/09/15 09:34:55PM @emmy-long:
Oh skyshadows I know you weren't calling me dumb and that you wouldn't do that. :) I just meant that I kind of feel dumb for even doing it and that a lot of friends have said things to that effect in a nicer way. You've been very kind. As everyone here has. And I appreciate all of you so much. <3
Emmy Long
03/09/15 10:30:05PM @emmy-long:
Patrick: I'm not meaning to get pity or be an energy vampire. I'm simply looking to friends for support as I'm going through this transformation. As I mentioned, I have been quite sad and admittedly a little whiny with my most recent posts. But if you look back to my posts from earlier on you will see that's not my normal state. This is my moment of weakness and I'm looking for support from friends whom I've helped in the past. Because if you can't count on your friends who can you count on?! :) we're all in this life here and now together, if we don't help each other out, then who will? <3
03/10/15 04:03:19AM @paul:

Well... at the end of that journey there is a cliff. The question is will you jump after him? Addiction is a powerful master and can overpower even the will to live. You seem to be asking for a direction from us so here it is: LEAVE HIM NOW! and save yourself.

Emmy Long
03/10/15 07:39:42AM @emmy-long:
Paul: Haha. Truly, thank you for keeping it simple. That is where I'm trying to get, and all of this support and love has helped tremendously.
Emmy Long
03/15/15 11:50:04PM @emmy-long:
I did it. I let him go. And. I'm feeling positive about it. I wrote a blog about it.
03/16/15 12:27:51PM @paul:

Great, now use the law of attraction to draw that one to you that will add instead of take. Good job grasshopper...