It's possible to love someone and to not be with them "forever". It's possible to love someone and not give them the power to destroy your life or hinder your growth and potential. It's possible to go forward and lead the life you want to lead without sharing it all with them too. It's hard. But it's possible. And it doesn't mean that the quality of your life is diminished either. So go forward.

I've been kind of away for a while (kind of). I've been taking a month off from work and just letting my thoughts run free and whatever whatever. I stumbled upon some really good and really necessary information in my research and it kind of helped to get me back on track. I realize that I need to be careful with who I allow in my circle as I'm starting to realize that they not only bring themselves and their energy but the energy of the people around them (if they're not mindful and are easily influenced). So for a long time I was letting some very heavy energies into my life and not realizing how it was contributing to my exhaust and mental fatigue. I'm better now though.

I finally finished my first travel assignment and I feel really good about it. Driving across the U.S is actually pretty neat to me and is intriguing and throughout the process, things seem to be falling into place that I think will allow me to continue to lead the life I want to lead and set myself up well for a good and possibly early retirement. Also, I don't really have any attachments so life is pretty easy at the moment.

I will say this though...I'm seeking enthusiasm. I want to be excited about life again and I haven't exactly found that thing inspires me to see inspiration in everything else. I know exactly when that light went out but that doesn't matter. I want to pick it back up again and get myself back into a place where I'm enthusiastic about it all again.

I'm at a point where my vocabulary doesn't quite match my consciousness and I don't know what to do about it but to stop talking and writing and expressing inner state of affairs. But I'm trying.I've been struggling with myself. On one end, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be in this world and on the other end, I don't know where I want to go. Heaven? Hell? Reincarnate? I don't exactly believe in any of those things and places as I don't see any of them as distinct from this one place. I've been to heaven and hell and reborn many a time on this one plane.

Why am I struggling? It's all so stupidly simple and yet here I am bashing my head in and ripping myself to pieces. At what point do the thoughts stop and the guilt of just being who I am go away? At what point will I allow myself to just be and stop guilting myself for not "being someone else"?

I often wonder where I'd be if not for that woman I had met online at 15 or for forums. I wonder how I would've gotten along in the world, if I wouodve made it. Being online helped me to connect with like minds, with people who saw the world as I did and made me feel less outcasted and maladjusted. There was information that I wish I had never encountered but overall, it's been a good experience for me.Being online helped me to overcome a good portion of my self doubt.sometimes all that I pick up from people and certain environments can be overwhelming negative and being able to come online and find people who have experienced the same has helped me to transform that into understanding.There's been many moments in my life when I feel misunderstood, disconnected from everyone around me. And I know that I don't exactly belong here but was put here for a reason. In the past, I thought maybe part of my feelings of disconnect had to do with learning how to communicate effectively with others. Then I thought maybe the issue is self esteem or cultural. But now I think these moments of disconnect are perfectly normal for me to experience, an opportunity to take a step back from everything and just observe.You know it's all ego really. Those moments of longing I feel for my ex, those times at work when my perfectionism arise and I wish I had cured my patient in the 12 hrs I cared for them. Those moments when I guilt myself for not being more outgoing, productive, and sociable at work or on my time off despite wanting nothing more than to sit in my apartment, watch reruns and go to bed. Those moments when I guilt myself and call myself lazy for not wanting to do even more work than is necessary or running around like a chicken with my head cut off during my shift. It's all ego and pressure. But it's there and it affects me very strongly from time to time. I've been very cruel to myself, long after some people have been very cruel to me.I'm disconnecting again. I'm pulling back from this loud world and those often cruel voices that filled with pressure and expectations that dont make me feel good. If we over identify with our thoughts and emotions they can wreak havoc on our daily life and I'd like to come off this crazy rollercoaster ride I've been on these last few years. I thank God for showing Mr that ever so often, it's okay to walk away.

There was a time when I relished being different. I use to take it as a sign that I was doing something right. And you know what? I've been going back to that place where I relished that feeling because I'm starting to see the abnormality in being "normal". I don't go out and party. I have travelled very far to discover that what makes me happy isn't located in some distant place and that distance doesn't change the nature of my heart and soul.One of my coworkers said it at a random time. She said, "you just have to be happy with what you're doing." She's right. I have to be happy with me and make me happy.I have been trying to prove my worth for years now. I have been slaving for compliments and pats on the back. But honestly, I know what I want and what I'm about and I don't want to be a slave anymore. I don't want to rush to go to graduate school because my co-workers are in it and I want to keep up. That's an exhausting race to run. I do want to pay off my loans and make myself debt free. I want to take some time off, maybe apply for a new specialty and to finally demonstrate some maturity by being patient, delaying gratification and to utlize my claircognizance for something other than other people's lives.

I very often tell the story of meeting a woman when i was in my early teens who drew me in with her aura. And how from then on, I sought to emulate her in every way until one day I realized that I could never be her or even like her because we were two different people. What drew me to her was the fact that she experienced the same knowingness that I experienced. She called herself an empath, which is how I learned of the term. Because I felt like her, I was an empath. We shared similar perceptions on circumstances and it made me realize that I was not alone. She made me feel like for once in my life, I belonged. It might not have been in my immediate circumstances, but somewhere out there were people who were like me.

I often thought that as an empath, I was suppose to act, feel, think, and be a certain way. So I sought to emulate her, her strength, her manner of speech, the kind of people she gravitated towards. I wanted to be her. But she had talents I did not. She was an artist, a painter, a dancer, very much into beauty, facial features and make up. She was very feminine. She was emotional. She was very much a woman. I was not. I am not. I was neutral. I was into psychology, into writing, healthcare, playing sports, reading. I couldn't draw or do arts and crafts to save my life. In college, I took no joy in the arts and often avoided it, opting instead for the humanities, psychology, theology, english, sociology, philosophy. She was a feeler, very touchy feely, and though I was intuitive (and loved hugs from the ones I loved), I was a thinker.

This morning, I woke up and googled her. Being so far away from home and alone in a new place has given me the time and space to examine myself. And I realized just how different my life has been from hers and always has been. We are alike. She looks like me and reminds me of many members of my family in figure and looks. We are empaths. And we often do share similar perceptions on life. But we are different. She's into a lifestyle that I have yet to find appealing (though in my attempts to emulate her, I did try veganism and to align myself with the ascension theory). While she's gone on to create her own beauty business, I've found far more enjoyment in writing, reading, traveling, and healthcare. Her symbol of choice was often the butterfly, wings spread, beautifully bright. I understood. But we are not completely the same. I understand that now too.