I Know What Matters to Me
I've been avoiding other people kind of. If it wasn't for work I think I would end up spending a good month or so completely by myself, locked up in my room, only coming out for a stroll, a drive, food, or whatever else I need. I've been enjoying the brief encounters I have with other people but I can't seem to bring myself to cultivate more with most people. I still have friends. And given that I'm not much of a talker anymore and don't do much of anything to put myself out there, I think people like me just fine. I've given up on romantic relationships as well. I can't justify having another person in my life that way beyond sex. Every time I have had these relationship encounters they seem to do nothing but exhaust me or the energy quickly wears off. Some of the brief encounters I have had in the last few months have served to help me rebalance my own energy and to have a greater perspective on my perception of self and of others but once that understanding was attained, the relationship lost its luster.
I remember last year I read a book by Elizabeth Gilbert called "The Signature in All Things" and I remember identifying tremendously with the main character. I remember thinking, "I am Alma Whitaker". I actually wrote a bit about it as i got the feeling that I am someone who was meant to be single for the rest of her life. For whatever reason, I can't seem to justify having a long term romantic relationship as it almost NEVER seems to line up with my spiritual growth, but rather seems to require me to step away from it and focus entirely on making the other person feel good about themselves which is exhausting. There's not enlightening moments there, only that constant feeling of being sucked into a black hole of despair and depression and me constantly trying to justify this as necessary for growth and a part of the process. I hate it. It's quite an addictive drug. But I hate it.
In a way, I would like to say good-bye. I've been distancing from a lot of the sites I tend to frequent. It's that I know why I came here and why I called myself the names I did and it didn't really have anything to do with me and lately that knowledge has been affecting me psychologically. At the time, I was seeking like-minds but even the term "like-minds" came from elsewhere. Before I discovered that elsewhere, I was simply conducting research and interviews. I was soul-searching. I'm still soul-searching. I'm growing up. And I can't seem to find justification for the imbalances in my life beyond personal choice and the establishment of a comfort zone. I can't abide by that anymore. I don't want to. I want to grow. Authentically. Organically. I know what I am. And I know what matters to me.