This Isn't Me
I'm not here on my own accord. Not fully anyways. And I think that's what makes me want to walk away from it all. I'm here because of someone I've admired for many many years. I realized I was dealing with my own gravitational pull towards a cultish mindset. And as my relationship with all of it changes, so does my connection to everything else in my life. In a way, it has left me confused and disoriented, with the primary benefit being self-trust. I spend a tremendous amount of time by myself now. I don't crave friendships or recognition or relationships. It's just me. I've been mostly engrossed in myself lately and yet this still does not feel like enough. Everything feels like its changing for me. The dynamics are very different in my life, from the way people react to me to the way I feel about my family and my friends, to who I enjoy interacting with online. Everything's different. But there's still aspects of myself and my thinking and behavior that keep coming to the forefront that I dislike and that genuinely make me feel sick.
I want to get better. How do I get better?