Walking Away From it All

By: Crownite
Posted in:

I've changed so much in this last month alone but lately I just have this feeling of wanting to walk away from whatever is left. I've been dealing with a new level of self-neglect that ironically I'm fully aware of. My mind keeps doing this weird flicker where performing one action shows me a new road ahead but slipping into old patterns causes me to return to something that makes me feel complacent but unhappy. I'm genuinely uncomfortable with where I am, not in terms of my career or social life, but with where I am spiritually. I'm a travel nurse and one day I would like to go into a new specialty and enter into graduate school. But right now, I don't want to go back to my home state to begin that process. I'm enjoying my freedom.

And I'm trying to change. I don't like the way I've been eating, drinking, sleeping, not exercising, not being more active/productive, not showering as much as I should, not lotioning my skin as thoroughly, not wearing my retainer as often as I should, not taking my vitamins and drinking more water, just not taking care of my physical self overall. I'm hungry for balance. I keep daydreaming about my high school figure, a more athletic time for me and I know it's not impossible to regain. But I actually have to channel some energy into regaining that figure instead of just daydreaming about it. I know that to return that state means having to shift gears and go in the opposite direction of where I've been taking myself and allowing myself to go. And I often experience an inner resistance when I begin to do it. I know it's a process. I know it takes time to become a habit. I've bought myself an entire case of water and just keep at by bed so that when I wake up in the morning and I'm thirsty, my first thought is to drink a bottle. And in doing so in encourages me to drink another bottle, and another. I got rid of all the bread and sodas in my house. I bought myself multivitamins and every morning I make myself take them. I'm trying to make this a natural way of being for me. It's been exhausting because my natural tendency has been towards self-neglect. But I need to take care of myself. i feel that need in me and I want to continue to be my best possible self inside and out.

08/22/15 12:38:18PM @ben:
Spirituality takes time. It took me X amount of years to get to the point to where I was willing to look inwardly. Once I started looking at my life , my decisions and my perspectives I realized I was doing it wrong all along. The Life long conceptions I held the closest had to be throw to the side to develop new ones. I found I had based these conceptions off of experiences I had as a child. In exploring these experiences I found the conclusions I had came to were wrong. Even after realizing this it was still hard to let go. I had to be honest , open minded and willing to change . Again this takes time. I did not get the way I was overnight . I was not going to change overnight. A boxer practices the jab and right cross for years to perfect them. As he practices this combo he gains what is referred to as muscle memory. When the opportunity presents itself he throws the punches without thinking . It just happens. Nevertheless he practices a lifetime to perfect it. I can not expect to throw the perfect combo after only practicing for a short time. Neither can I expect to become spiritually fit after practicing for a short time. I continue to be open minded and practice spirituality until it becomes natural. I have accepted this will take a lifetime.
08/22/15 01:01:11PM @crownite:

Thanks for the response, ben. I haven't quite accepted that it's a life long process. I know it is intellectually, but deep inside I often don't think of it this way.

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