Walking Away From it All
I've changed so much in this last month alone but lately I just have this feeling of wanting to walk away from whatever is left. I've been dealing with a new level of self-neglect that ironically I'm fully aware of. My mind keeps doing this weird flicker where performing one action shows me a new road ahead but slipping into old patterns causes me to return to something that makes me feel complacent but unhappy. I'm genuinely uncomfortable with where I am, not in terms of my career or social life, but with where I am spiritually. I'm a travel nurse and one day I would like to go into a new specialty and enter into graduate school. But right now, I don't want to go back to my home state to begin that process. I'm enjoying my freedom.
And I'm trying to change. I don't like the way I've been eating, drinking, sleeping, not exercising, not being more active/productive, not showering as much as I should, not lotioning my skin as thoroughly, not wearing my retainer as often as I should, not taking my vitamins and drinking more water, just not taking care of my physical self overall. I'm hungry for balance. I keep daydreaming about my high school figure, a more athletic time for me and I know it's not impossible to regain. But I actually have to channel some energy into regaining that figure instead of just daydreaming about it. I know that to return that state means having to shift gears and go in the opposite direction of where I've been taking myself and allowing myself to go. And I often experience an inner resistance when I begin to do it. I know it's a process. I know it takes time to become a habit. I've bought myself an entire case of water and just keep at by bed so that when I wake up in the morning and I'm thirsty, my first thought is to drink a bottle. And in doing so in encourages me to drink another bottle, and another. I got rid of all the bread and sodas in my house. I bought myself multivitamins and every morning I make myself take them. I'm trying to make this a natural way of being for me. It's been exhausting because my natural tendency has been towards self-neglect. But I need to take care of myself. i feel that need in me and I want to continue to be my best possible self inside and out.