What's Next?

By: Crownite
Posted in:

I'm kind of bored guys. Life doesn't feel particularly hard or particularly easy. It's just kind of blah. I remember when I last reached this place in my life I tried to create scenarios that would cause inner issues for me to solve and I don't want to do that again. I did notice that I started to do so and I had to nip it in the bud quick. Granted, I did have a very productive month last month and I know a lot of patterns came to a close for me. It was a time of tremendous growth and so maybe this is just a time of rest for me.

Recently I took a trip to London and it was quite an eye opening experience for me. For a long time I use to feel annoyed with my family for being so soft spoken in public. I use to think, "Why don't they speak up???" And I use to think that maybe it had to do with insecurities or feeling uncomfortable in their own skin, etc. And I use to think that maybe the reason I was so "soft spoken" and not one to toot my own horn was because I had some latent insecurities I wasn't fully aware of yet. But when I went to London, everyone was quieter and softer spoken in general. The waiters were softer spoken and often I had to lean in a bit more to hear what they were saying. I couldn't hear every word of what the table across from me was saying. It wasn't as loud in the least. And I loved it because I didn't feel like I had to yell in order to be heard or regarded as "confident". I could use my normal, comfortable speaking voice and I felt really good. My panic attacks completely dissolved. In addition to that, I didn't have to try and hide my Trini-American accent or to do things like try to make myself sound more colorful in order to be more "marketable". It's very easy for me to absorb another culture's expectations and to try to live up to it (and to do fairly well) but to feel inside myself that this isn't a correct representation of myself. I found it easier to detach and distinguish my energy from the energy in London, to the energy I absorbed from the culture I spent a considerable amount of time in (very heavy, fast, hectic, strong, somewhat passive-aggressive, self-centerered, loud, somewhat fearful and competitive). I was only there for a week but when I left, I left feeling so much more like a normal person and it reinforced in me that I do belong here on this planet, even if I don't fully connect to the American or even to my family's way of life.