Last month a lot of stuff came up for me that I had to process. That woman that I idolized and how I got caught up in her and her life, my ex, my experience with college, my self-doubting, the relationship I had with my dad, my tendency to be a shrinking violet, my experiences over the last 6 years, etc. Everything started to come together and I spent a good chunk of the month shocked at how everything was connected. I started seeing the dichotomy between who I am and who I thought I was and it was....astounding. The moment I realized all of this stuff and saw the connection, I also realized that it was time to let it go. The interesting thing was that the relationship with my ex and the last 6 years of my life and the experiences that happened within all of that was much easier to let go of once I came to understand the relationship I created with this woman that I idolized. Once I came to this realization and the role she played in my life, I saw the connection I had created with my ex, I saw how the self-doubting came in and why it was so difficult to accept my personal spiritual experiences, I was able to really piece together the dots and bit and bit I felt myself becoming lighter and transforming.
I have a much clearer picture of who I am now and it's so much easier to let go of the "shoulds" and "suppose to" that was imprinted on me growing up and throughout my life, many of which I allowed, not realizing the source of the behavior and reactions. I trust my gut now. I know i belong here. And the shrinking violet has gone into remission. As all of this is happening, more and more of how I got here is coming to the forefront, my friends in high school and the persona I took on to feel "normal", all of it just keeps coming up in real and honest ways. And I go through many periods now where I'm in complete shock at all of it and sometimes I either break down crying or burst out laughing as the process unfolds.