Life Without Forums
I often wonder where I'd be if not for that woman I had met online at 15 or for forums. I wonder how I would've gotten along in the world, if I wouodve made it. Being online helped me to connect with like minds, with people who saw the world as I did and made me feel less outcasted and maladjusted. There was information that I wish I had never encountered but overall, it's been a good experience for me.Being online helped me to overcome a good portion of my self doubt.sometimes all that I pick up from people and certain environments can be overwhelming negative and being able to come online and find people who have experienced the same has helped me to transform that into understanding.There's been many moments in my life when I feel misunderstood, disconnected from everyone around me. And I know that I don't exactly belong here but was put here for a reason. In the past, I thought maybe part of my feelings of disconnect had to do with learning how to communicate effectively with others. Then I thought maybe the issue is self esteem or cultural. But now I think these moments of disconnect are perfectly normal for me to experience, an opportunity to take a step back from everything and just observe.You know it's all ego really. Those moments of longing I feel for my ex, those times at work when my perfectionism arise and I wish I had cured my patient in the 12 hrs I cared for them. Those moments when I guilt myself for not being more outgoing, productive, and sociable at work or on my time off despite wanting nothing more than to sit in my apartment, watch reruns and go to bed. Those moments when I guilt myself and call myself lazy for not wanting to do even more work than is necessary or running around like a chicken with my head cut off during my shift. It's all ego and pressure. But it's there and it affects me very strongly from time to time. I've been very cruel to myself, long after some people have been very cruel to me.I'm disconnecting again. I'm pulling back from this loud world and those often cruel voices that filled with pressure and expectations that dont make me feel good. If we over identify with our thoughts and emotions they can wreak havoc on our daily life and I'd like to come off this crazy rollercoaster ride I've been on these last few years. I thank God for showing Mr that ever so often, it's okay to walk away.