By Crownite, 2016-03-27
I've been MIA for a while. But I wanted to come back and share my new blog with you all.
I write about life explorations, growth, philosophy, inspiration, musings, etc.
Please feel free to check it out, like, comment, refer your friends, and subscribe.
I look forward to seeing many of you and I hope my posts help to brighten your day, empower, or encourage you all to continue growing~
By Crownite, 2015-09-03
Thank you to the people I've met while on here. I'm not a very active member but I do appreciate that I've had a place to write and express myself while here.
At the moment, I'm working on refocusing my energy. I learned that I do belong in the world, the real world, and I've found that using forums and online social media isn't to my benefit as I've been using it for escapism more so than for a place to learn. My life isn't emotionally charged or very complicated but what little there is, I need to take the time and focus on it. Something in me has changed and I'm not longer looking to change the world but to come to terms with it and this requires my focus.
Good luck to all of you!
By Crownite, 2015-08-24
I've been avoiding other people kind of. If it wasn't for work I think I would end up spending a good month or so completely by myself, locked up in my room, only coming out for a stroll, a drive, food, or whatever else I need. I've been enjoying the brief encounters I have with other people but I can't seem to bring myself to cultivate more with most people. I still have friends. And given that I'm not much of a talker anymore and don't do much of anything to put myself out there, I think people like me just fine. I've given up on romantic relationships as well. I can't justify having another person in my life that way beyond sex. Every time I have had these relationship encounters they seem to do nothing but exhaust me or the energy quickly wears off. Some of the brief encounters I have had in the last few months have served to help me rebalance my own energy and to have a greater perspective on my perception of self and of others but once that understanding was attained, the relationship lost its luster.
I remember last year I read a book by Elizabeth Gilbert called "The Signature in All Things" and I remember identifying tremendously with the main character. I remember thinking, "I am Alma Whitaker". I actually wrote a bit about it as i got the feeling that I am someone who was meant to be single for the rest of her life. For whatever reason, I can't seem to justify having a long term romantic relationship as it almost NEVER seems to line up with my spiritual growth, but rather seems to require me to step away from it and focus entirely on making the other person feel good about themselves which is exhausting. There's not enlightening moments there, only that constant feeling of being sucked into a black hole of despair and depression and me constantly trying to justify this as necessary for growth and a part of the process. I hate it. It's quite an addictive drug. But I hate it.
In a way, I would like to say good-bye. I've been distancing from a lot of the sites I tend to frequent. It's that I know why I came here and why I called myself the names I did and it didn't really have anything to do with me and lately that knowledge has been affecting me psychologically. At the time, I was seeking like-minds but even the term "like-minds" came from elsewhere. Before I discovered that elsewhere, I was simply conducting research and interviews. I was soul-searching. I'm still soul-searching. I'm growing up. And I can't seem to find justification for the imbalances in my life beyond personal choice and the establishment of a comfort zone. I can't abide by that anymore. I don't want to. I want to grow. Authentically. Organically. I know what I am. And I know what matters to me.
By Crownite, 2015-08-22
I'm not here on my own accord. Not fully anyways. And I think that's what makes me want to walk away from it all. I'm here because of someone I've admired for many many years. I realized I was dealing with my own gravitational pull towards a cultish mindset. And as my relationship with all of it changes, so does my connection to everything else in my life. In a way, it has left me confused and disoriented, with the primary benefit being self-trust. I spend a tremendous amount of time by myself now. I don't crave friendships or recognition or relationships. It's just me. I've been mostly engrossed in myself lately and yet this still does not feel like enough. Everything feels like its changing for me. The dynamics are very different in my life, from the way people react to me to the way I feel about my family and my friends, to who I enjoy interacting with online. Everything's different. But there's still aspects of myself and my thinking and behavior that keep coming to the forefront that I dislike and that genuinely make me feel sick.
I want to get better. How do I get better?
By Crownite, 2015-08-22
I've changed so much in this last month alone but lately I just have this feeling of wanting to walk away from whatever is left. I've been dealing with a new level of self-neglect that ironically I'm fully aware of. My mind keeps doing this weird flicker where performing one action shows me a new road ahead but slipping into old patterns causes me to return to something that makes me feel complacent but unhappy. I'm genuinely uncomfortable with where I am, not in terms of my career or social life, but with where I am spiritually. I'm a travel nurse and one day I would like to go into a new specialty and enter into graduate school. But right now, I don't want to go back to my home state to begin that process. I'm enjoying my freedom.
And I'm trying to change. I don't like the way I've been eating, drinking, sleeping, not exercising, not being more active/productive, not showering as much as I should, not lotioning my skin as thoroughly, not wearing my retainer as often as I should, not taking my vitamins and drinking more water, just not taking care of my physical self overall. I'm hungry for balance. I keep daydreaming about my high school figure, a more athletic time for me and I know it's not impossible to regain. But I actually have to channel some energy into regaining that figure instead of just daydreaming about it. I know that to return that state means having to shift gears and go in the opposite direction of where I've been taking myself and allowing myself to go. And I often experience an inner resistance when I begin to do it. I know it's a process. I know it takes time to become a habit. I've bought myself an entire case of water and just keep at by bed so that when I wake up in the morning and I'm thirsty, my first thought is to drink a bottle. And in doing so in encourages me to drink another bottle, and another. I got rid of all the bread and sodas in my house. I bought myself multivitamins and every morning I make myself take them. I'm trying to make this a natural way of being for me. It's been exhausting because my natural tendency has been towards self-neglect. But I need to take care of myself. i feel that need in me and I want to continue to be my best possible self inside and out.
By Crownite, 2015-08-19
I'm kind of bored guys. Life doesn't feel particularly hard or particularly easy. It's just kind of blah. I remember when I last reached this place in my life I tried to create scenarios that would cause inner issues for me to solve and I don't want to do that again. I did notice that I started to do so and I had to nip it in the bud quick. Granted, I did have a very productive month last month and I know a lot of patterns came to a close for me. It was a time of tremendous growth and so maybe this is just a time of rest for me.
Recently I took a trip to London and it was quite an eye opening experience for me. For a long time I use to feel annoyed with my family for being so soft spoken in public. I use to think, "Why don't they speak up???" And I use to think that maybe it had to do with insecurities or feeling uncomfortable in their own skin, etc. And I use to think that maybe the reason I was so "soft spoken" and not one to toot my own horn was because I had some latent insecurities I wasn't fully aware of yet. But when I went to London, everyone was quieter and softer spoken in general. The waiters were softer spoken and often I had to lean in a bit more to hear what they were saying. I couldn't hear every word of what the table across from me was saying. It wasn't as loud in the least. And I loved it because I didn't feel like I had to yell in order to be heard or regarded as "confident". I could use my normal, comfortable speaking voice and I felt really good. My panic attacks completely dissolved. In addition to that, I didn't have to try and hide my Trini-American accent or to do things like try to make myself sound more colorful in order to be more "marketable". It's very easy for me to absorb another culture's expectations and to try to live up to it (and to do fairly well) but to feel inside myself that this isn't a correct representation of myself. I found it easier to detach and distinguish my energy from the energy in London, to the energy I absorbed from the culture I spent a considerable amount of time in (very heavy, fast, hectic, strong, somewhat passive-aggressive, self-centerered, loud, somewhat fearful and competitive). I was only there for a week but when I left, I left feeling so much more like a normal person and it reinforced in me that I do belong here on this planet, even if I don't fully connect to the American or even to my family's way of life.
By Crownite, 2015-08-13
I Try to Be My True Self (July 29,2015)
I was watching Oprah's Master Class on Youtube with Whoopi Goldberg the other day and she said something that hit me. She basically said it's easy to be yourself if you can live with people not liking you, or gossiping about you, or disagreeing with you, etc.
Being yourself isn't a complicated thing. It's "tricky" because we are imprinted on from the moment we are born. Your training begins at birth people! But if you can reach a point where you're able to sit with yourself and pay attention to yourself without judgement. Just observing yourself when alone and even in the company of others. You will see and know who you really are and if you, as Whoopi says, are able to live with people not liking you, or gossiping about you, or disagreeing, or facing moments of opposition, you will succeeded in being your true self.
I Have a Confession
When I was about 14/15 years old, I encountered a beautiful dark skin black woman online who was married to an Asian man from China. They seemed very much in love and I admired them. She seemed very smart, creative, and often shared viewpoints that were similar to my own. She made me feel "normal". As a result, I sort to emulate her lifestyle and choices and 2/3 years later, i encountered an Asian man, also Chinese from China, who I thought could provide me the same kind of beautiful love I saw exuded in their relationship.
That never happened. He never could commit to me fully and the relationship was full of his own insecurities, the pressure he felt from his family and friends to not be with me for many reasons including race, and just an overall feeling of suffering. I gave my all to the relationship in the hopes that it would work. But I experienced more pain and exhaustion in that relationship than I did single and I have no one but myself to blame.
Here I am 6 years later and almost a year after the relationship has officially ended and I feel depressed, angry, guilty, and frustrated. I wish I hadn't done that to myself so many years ago. Here I am trying to get it together so that I can go forward but it hurts. It hurts when you've tried hard at something and clung to something for almost 6 years and had it all go to shit.
I'm in agony. And it makes me upset to think that I have this otherwise beautiful life in which I could do anything I want and go anywhere I want and yet I often find myself at random times crying over a man who never actually could love me and commit to me. The worst is that I'm more angry at myself for trying to emulate this woman's lifestyle all these years when I never could be her. I never could have anything remotely like her life and it's all my fault. I feel drenched with guilt and shame.
Aug 4th, 2015
I use to think that if I wasn't a clair- something then I wasn't enlightened. I thought one came with the other.
Once upon a time, long ago, I use to lower my energy for my partners and friends because I was afraid that I would never find another on my level.
I Am Single (Aug 4, 2015)
After a bit of back and forth inside of myself ("you're closing yourself off, C-nite.", "Remember everything you've been taught?" "Give life another chance" etc etc) I have decided to remain single. I know for a lot of people this can cause quite a bit of resistance and for some folks the idea of someone, especially a female, deciding to remain single makes people uncomfortable and makes them want to say things like, "Don't give up!" or whatever. But it's not that I have given up. I actually still believe in love and think that it's a beautiful and wonderful gift and blessing. But I'm also aware of energetic output, cause and effect, attraction and the like.
From observing myself, and paying attention to my patterns, I have learned that the men I attract and the men that I am attracted to, have a tendency to be deeply emotionally unavailable. Whatever they've been taught, whatever they have learned, whatever situations they are in, or heart break they've experienced in the past, whatever internal struggles, have closed them off to me altogether. I also know from past experience and from paying attention to patterns that I am the kind of woman who puts in a lot of time and effort into making these relationships work. I'm a very dedicated, committed woman who wants to enjoy the fruits of her labor; however, the men who come into my life do not devote their time and energy in return. Do you see how this can be a problem? Often what happens is that they use up my time, energy and resources for their betterment but do not return the favor. Many times my time investment goes to other women and other sources (work, school, their self-esteem and self-worth). That's not very fair to me. That's not very nice. If I'm giving all of this time and energy to a partner and to a relationship, then I'm going to need devotion in return. I'm not afraid to ask for what I want and need. But I haven't met that nor experienced that with anyone. I trust my gut completely now. I'm not giving "benefits of a doubt", I'm not thinking, "Maybe he can change. Maybe he will evolve. Maybe I'm not giving him enough of a chance." No. No no no.
I have other projects that I'm working on right now. Check out my new song "C-nite Reloaded" coming out on iTunes September 21, 2015. Peace!
I Have Changed Over The Years (July 29, 2015)
I was watching an episode of Catfish recently in which the Catfish created this Hannah Montana version of her own life. I looked at her as she created this version of herself and my heart slowly started to break. Not out of self-pity or remorse but because I saw myself in her. I saw my very creation acting out in front of me through her and I couldn't believe it. Images of myself acting out this creation in my past life, that high pitched voice, changing my name, the friends I made, the animation and theatrics. I know she was trying to cope, to make sense of a reality that wasn't how she felt reality could be or should be. I knew she was trying to escape. And I didn't feel anger, or fear, or entertained. I felt compassion. Overwhelming compassion. And then I cried.
There came a point in my life where I took a step back and saw that whoever I am or whatever I was, was not going to work anymore. The image I created for myself in order to cope was not a good reflection of me. To hold on to a creation, an image of what I thought I "should" be, think, act, feel, represent, became self-defeating.
I knew that I was just trying to protect myself from the struggle I felt existed from seeing the world and existence from a different place as many other people. I know that I was just trying to grab at anything or anyone who could make this place a more seemingly hospitable, comfortable place for me. I perceived that to "come out" (not in terms of sexuality, but in terms of just letting myself be a complete and unique individual) would mean having to face gross opposition and I was not okay or ready for that. People want friends, they want support, they want to be liked, to love and to experience love, to be recognized and acknowledged, to feel welcomed, they want to belong and I'm no different. But I also wanted to continue growing and the image I had created for myself continued to haunt me. I could continue trying to fuel that image and constantly feel stuck and continue to experience the same kind of suffering, or I could go on.
Competition, having moments where people don't like you, being met with moments where people oppose you or talk about you behind your back (or to your face), not feeling like you have back up...I coped with that by trying to blend in, seeming nice and friendly and kind or mellow and harmless or by taking on a persona of people I perceived as confident and likable. But there is something far more profound in coming to one's own conclusions and learning how I personally handle conflict and competition and opposition, etc. It still kind of shocks me every now and then that the way in which I thought I should react to conflict is very different from how I actually do. It also shocks me that there are moments where I actually, naturally react to situations the same way I thought people I actually admired would. But above all, I feel like a more connected, complete person.
Sometimes I remember the way I use to be and I blush, or I laugh at myself, or I marvel, or I cry. And then I chuckle because I know now that the path to enlightenment is the craziest, most simple task in the entire world. And yet it is chronically overlooked. I have always been a whole, connected God-like entity. There was never anything truly wrong with being me.
I Value My Privacy (July 27th, 2015)
Right now, we seem to live in a world where people want to share everything and know everything. Information is abundant and trivial. I know things I wish I didn't know. Work and our employers want to keep tabs on us via Facebook, twitter, instagram, etc. We upload pictures of our food, take pictures of our naked bodies when we're blind and carried away by an emotion and send them out into the world, we upload our every thought, feeling, opinion, many times our most toxic self is what ends up online. The internet has become a bit of a cesspool of comments and posts and statements and pictures that are kind of irrelevant and unnecessary, possibly deeply unimportant.
I went through a phase where I would share everything. I thought it was necessary and I wanted my life to be an open book for others to learn from. Some did. But I also learned that some people don't know how to treat the pages of a book (or the book for that matter). People are in a lot of pain and they will find relief in a lot of ways. And what I took away from that experience was that you don't need to know every single thing about my life, unprompted and unsolicited. I value my privacy. If I walked away from this site today, the only people who would know anything about me and my whereabouts would be the few people I text and email and call. And that would be just fine. I'm okay with that. With the handful of people I choose to text and email and call on a regular basis, I'm blessed far beyond measure already.
I Still Believe In Love (July 27th, 2015)
For those who are considering giving up on love, I say don't. I have had situations in my life where I have wanted to completely shut down and close my heart off to love once and for all. I've had my heart broken many times and people have disappointed me on numerous occasions. But I believe in love. And I trust that if love still exists in my heart, even if only directed at myself and a few small individuals in my life, or even on a grand scale towards the entire world, then love still exists. It's a very powerful and transformative energy.
I know many of us are looking for this notion of lifelong romantic love. I ask you to please broaden your horizons. I hope one day you do find that "special someone", yes, even in the Disney sense, but I know that many have come and gone without ever having that experience. I know some of us have had our hearts broken and don't ever want to experience the pain of that loss and suffering again. I empathize. I use to think that the one I lost was the only one and it caused me much grief and suffering. I ask you to please transform your perception of that experience. I ask you to give life a chance to surprise you. Give another person the chance to encounter you and for you to discover them. Give yourself a chance to grow in all forms. Give yourself a chance to move on.
I Don't Like Disrespectful People (June18th, 2015)
I'm tired of dealing with people who don't treat me with the level of respect I deserve. I'm tired of being belittled, spoken down to, or taken advantage of. I'm tired of the psychological "bullying" and it will not be tolerated. This is a non-negotiable.
I'm at a point where I want to find my center and stay there. I am not willing to give anyone my time and energy who in return feels the need to belittle me and treat me as though I am less than they are. I will not be used and misused. My resources can be better served elsewhere.
I Wanted To Be A Nun
(July 18, 2015)
When I was in high school, I considered becoming a nun because I wanted to devote myself to spiritual growth completely and couldn't think of any other way to do it. Everything else in life seemed to be a distraction. I didn't want to think about making money, careers, dating, marriage, relationships, etc. It just seemed like noise and distractions. I also wanted to travel more and talk to people who were also on the spiritual path. But I wasn't Catholic and had no intentions of returning to religion in that way. I had hoped, however, that those devoted to the faith in the forms of nuns and monks would be a bit more spiritual in nature as opposed to pious. I was greatly disappointed.
I'm still very much committed to my spiritual growth and one of the things that I always seek in life is inspiration. I'm inspired by this very existence, by being here, and I've learned that I am a "nun" or a "priestess" in my own way and on my own terms.
I am Not A Part of the Group (Aug 1, 2015)
I realized that it doesn't matter how much I try or what shape I take to try and make things work, the only guy I've ever had a romantic feeling of love for and I are not compatible. The approval of his friends and family are very important to him. And they never were for me.
I have had some friends in my life where having that circle of friends and having their support were top priority on their list. I wish I could say the same. I certainly did try. And while it's nice to have that kind of support system, I'm okay being on my own, exploring, and trusting myself to discover the answers. It's not a common thing that I see for people to be comfortable with themselves and on their own. There's always this portion that seems to always want to convince others of the rightness of their views. I've had to close some doors to people and to aspects of my past life that were very strongly emotionally charged and weren't conducive to my growth. I had to learn that even if I don't "fit in" with even a small group of people, I still belong here and that I'm not "crazy" or "weird" for seeing life differently than others. My gut instincts and natural inclination to go my own way are completely natural just as other's reactions to find groups and circles and make friends and family a priority in their decision making are completely natural as well.
I don't care about twin flames and soul mates or finding "the one" anymore. It's not validation to me that I'm doing something right with my life. I'm not afraid of going forward anymore for fear of going crazy or of "doing something wrong" because others are too afraid to live life on their own terms or don't even realize such a thing is possible. I'm not stunting my growth anymore for fear of going forward and possibly never meeting anyone on the same level and page as me. The shrinking violet is in remission. I belong here, even if I'm not a part of the group.
I Have Been Brainwashed (Aug 4th, 2015)
When I was 19, I met someone on here who I was attracted to spiritually. Wanting to prove myself and to be acknowledged (I think he saw this and used this weakness against me) I followed him as he tried to fill my head with a bunch of information that was of not true and not accurate. I honestly think he tried to break me and control me under the guise of the title spiritual guru. I had panic attacks, experienced huge bouts of self-doubt, almost lost my mind. And as this was happening, he was there, egging me on as he tried to tell me who I should be and how I should act as a spiritually enlightened person. I realize now that what he was trying to do was get me into a complete state of confusion about who i was and what I am so that he could more readily control me and fill my head with ideas of his choosing. He would only approve of me as spiritually enlightened if I sounded and carried myself in a certain way. It took me a long time to undo the effects.
For a while, I was confused and angry at him for what he did. And then I realized that a good chunk of it was a result of what I had allowed him to do. Because of my upbringing (I grew up in a culture where people often sought authority-figures for validation), I had been seeking an authority figure to confirm for me that I was on the right track. He wasnt the first person I set up as guru in my life. I recognize that pattern in myself and I needed to break out of that thinking.
Now, when I notice people trying to steer me in one direction or another, I simply tell them, Im good and walk away. Im not looking for a guru or guidance (which is how I got myself in that situation to begin with) because Im not unsure of myself anymore . Im comfortable letting you do what you want to do while I do what I want. I dont need a church, a book, a man, a leader, or a guru to control and dictate my life for me.
I Am Starting Over Again
July 27,2015"Never a failure, always a lesson."
By Crownite, 2015-08-03
Last month a lot of stuff came up for me that I had to process. That woman that I idolized and how I got caught up in her and her life, my ex, my experience with college, my self-doubting, the relationship I had with my dad, my tendency to be a shrinking violet, my experiences over the last 6 years, etc. Everything started to come together and I spent a good chunk of the month shocked at how everything was connected. I started seeing the dichotomy between who I am and who I thought I was and it was....astounding. The moment I realized all of this stuff and saw the connection, I also realized that it was time to let it go. The interesting thing was that the relationship with my ex and the last 6 years of my life and the experiences that happened within all of that was much easier to let go of once I came to understand the relationship I created with this woman that I idolized. Once I came to this realization and the role she played in my life, I saw the connection I had created with my ex, I saw how the self-doubting came in and why it was so difficult to accept my personal spiritual experiences, I was able to really piece together the dots and bit and bit I felt myself becoming lighter and transforming.
I have a much clearer picture of who I am now and it's so much easier to let go of the "shoulds" and "suppose to" that was imprinted on me growing up and throughout my life, many of which I allowed, not realizing the source of the behavior and reactions. I trust my gut now. I know i belong here. And the shrinking violet has gone into remission. As all of this is happening, more and more of how I got here is coming to the forefront, my friends in high school and the persona I took on to feel "normal", all of it just keeps coming up in real and honest ways. And I go through many periods now where I'm in complete shock at all of it and sometimes I either break down crying or burst out laughing as the process unfolds.