Scary experience; please help

water_lily
water_lily
@water-lily
2 years ago
90 posts

A bit of background info in case it is somehow relevant to my current problem: like a lot of people here, my childhood was chaotic. To escape all the bad feelings around me, I'd imagine myself in my happy place (somewhere in nature) and I'd focus on all of my sense there. For example, if my happy place was the beach, I wouldn't just see the beach, I'd feel the sand under my feet, smell the salty/fishy air, hear the waves crashing on the shore, and even taste the salt in the air. When I was there, I was removed from myself. Kind of like I was immediately in front of myself, but not inside. I felt sort of peaceful in comparison to what I was feeling, but I was really sort of just escaping from the feelings; they were just fuzzy and far away. I don't know if this is relevent, but this was happening in my preschool/early elementary school years. At some point during this time, I learned that I could just capture the feeling a got when I traveled to this "happy" place without going through the trouble of actually imagining myself there. This proved very bad in the long run. During a particularly difficult year (both in terms of things that were happening to me and in terms of things that were happening to people around me who's emotions I was feeling), I just captured the feeling I described and stayed there. I didn't feel the pain, anger, sadness, guilt, etc as acutely, but I also didn't feel the happiness, joy, love, wonder, etc as acutely. I still took on people's physical pain and felt a some feelings, they were just far away. This lasted all the way from middle school until I graduated from high school. After I left my family and went off to college, I realized that all the negativity wasn't around and that whatever I was doing to myself was not the right thing to do. I sort of forced myself back into my body. and felt the full impact of emotion. This was mostly my own, I had not dealt with any of my own emotional turmoil from the chaotic childhood or anything that happened to me throughout middle and high school and now it hit me like a knife ripping apart my chest.

This all happened quite a while ago, I was 18 at the time and I'm in my mid 20s now. I had to very consciously force myself to feel and not to escape back to that other place. Now I very purposefully look negative emotions "square in the face" and determine that they will not defeat me, and I let happiness roll over me and radiate outside of me to brighten up the lives of others...

I'd heard of people advocating meditation, but many times they said to ease yourself into it by "imagining a happy place" and basically doing exactly what I did as a child that I had worked so hard to get over. I found non-meditative ways to deal with my troubles, spending a lot of time in nature mostly. Plus, I could easily clear my mind and just be without really meditiating.

I've since moved to a very different environment (a big city with weather that prevents me from going outside quite a lot of the year and without much natural space to escape to). Since my go-to-method of dealing with my empathic self is no longer available I decided that I'd give meditation a try, I just wouldn't start by visualizing a happy place. I did one just kind of general meditation in which you are supposed to become more aware of yourself and self affirm while you are doing so. I came out of the experience happy, relaxed, peaceful, etc. I then decided to try something else. This time it was "mindful body meditation. It didn't tell me to focus on the chakra colors but just directed me to focus on different parts of the body (which directly correlated with the location of the chakras). I saw white light. It was nice and peaceful at first. Oddly enough as I traveled down my body, I started to see colors as well, but not chakra colors. Colors located in areas that physically hurt. My wrist has been bothering me for years; it was green; my upper back and neck which were bothering me from spending too much time at a computer appeared black, and my knees which were a little bothered my some recent exercise were almost turquoise. Also, during this time, when I reached my heart chakra area which was a brighter white than most areas, it sort of shot the white light towards my head and it exploded outward from there (exploded is a much too violent word for what it felt like, but I think it gives the best visual imagery for what I saw.) I know this all sounds perfectly lovely up until this point (I only am sharing all the details because I am newer to the ideas of meditation and have no idea which details may be relevant). The bright white explosion dissipated significantly as I moved my focus further away from my heart.

As I mentioned, I saw the colors in areas of ill-health until my knees. At the knees I felt scared, like I didn't want to finish the meditation. I rationalized that I was just being silly so I continued. A very unexpected thing happened I felt something terrifying and I saw this terrifying looking evil clown. He doesn't look quite like any clown I've ever seen, and I felt afraid to look at him very closely. It is also worth mentioning that since I grew up with a Christian background, and no serious fear of circus clowns, any embodiment of evil that my mind may be imagining should not be a creepy clown, but probably something more like a traditional representation of a demon so I don't think it is just a psychological trick my mind is pulling on me.

At any rate, I panicked for a second then thought the bright white light might help in this situation. I traveled my attention back to my heart then focused that light towards my head until it exploded again. At first he was still there but as I expanded it far from myself, I felt his presence disappear. As soon as let my focus drift and the light lessens, my feet feel tingly, and he is there again. He is always by my feet if I am laying down or have my feet out in front, but if I sit up, he is wherever my feet last were. The part of me that wants to confront the bad feelings (including fear) wants to stare him down and figure out what the heck he is and how to make him go away, but I have no idea what will happen and I'm afraid of losing myself. Maybe he is a manifestation of my fear that somehow only decided to take root when I focused on my lower legs and feet, and maybe he is something else entirely. How do I make him go away? I've been aware of him for several days now and it is freaking me out. Sorry for writing such a long post, but I don't know what may be relevant. If you have advice, please help!


updated by @water-lily: 03/15/17 10:56:31AM
Ecila
Ecila
@ecila
2 years ago
898 posts

It could be a manifestation of your fears, an image of pain from the past, or it could be nothing but a mental object or trick of the mind. There is no way to know really what it is. It could be an image that has a lesson for you, but you are not at a point to fully understand that message as yet.

The best way to deal with scary images like these during meditation would be to simplify your meditation. Scrap the chakras and all the colored lights for the time being. The best method to start with would be metta. Stick with metta for several weeks or months at least.

Don't fear the image or try to fight it. You can send him kindness or just ignore him. He isn't something you need to defeat.

If you are aware of any unwholesome mental states, hate, ill will, jealously, and even fear, work on getting rid of them. They can manifest as images during meditation. Metta will help immensely with that.

Lots of elements of our histories (emotions, memories, etc) can be brought to surface during meditation. It can be very helpful in dealing with the past but sometimes it needs to be approached slowly and with tried and tested specific forms of mediation that are known to be safe. Metta is the safest and gives you a platform to base further work.

It is very common for people to see images such as these when beginning meditation. I did and many other people on here have mentioned similar ones. I personally think that they are (sometimes) images representing some negative aspect of ourselves that we are carrying around, but some would say they are actual entities. Even so, they could be an entity created by us from our negative mental states. Whatever they are, they are not to be feared.

Here is an example of metta meditation. At the end of these meditations, it is good practice to send metta to all beings, around you, in your home, in your town, etc...Negative states of mind (or entities) do not bother a person full of kindness:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRHWU122L9sLet me know if this helps:)

water_lily
water_lily
@water-lily
2 years ago
90 posts

Thank you! I will try this.

Ecila
Ecila
@ecila
2 years ago
898 posts

Also, going to the happy place was a form of dissociating. Very effective for children who cannot deal with their environments. (I did that too) Meditation will be the total opposite, ie, you will face your true reality.

water_lily
water_lily
@water-lily
2 years ago
90 posts

Helpful information :) Thanks!

water_lily
water_lily
@water-lily
2 years ago
90 posts

Thank you!

Share This

From Our Sponsors

  • intuitive reading
  • empath book