I am in a really tough situation. I know it's the holidays, but I feel like I need advice and no one knows what's going on with me right now (I feel the need to keep it a secret). Basically, my ex boyfriend of five months (who I broke up with two weeks ago) called me yesterday, after seeming like he was going to let me go. I felt the pain in his voice, so I wished I could help him, but I knew I probably shouldn't have even been talking to him on the phone. I tend to be an overly sacrificial/nice person by nature, most likely due to being an empath.
Our background history is that we dated for three months last year but I broke up with him because he wasn't treating me right (he was being quite narcissistic). Then, he went to therapy (for me), so I got back together with him when he tried to. But this year our 5 month relationship was really rocky.. I could tell how much he wanted to be with me and fall in love with me, but he just couldn't fulfill my needs. It was so sad, but I prayed about it and knew I should break up with him again--I got the confirmation in my heart that we weren't right for each other. While I was still on the phone with him yesterday, I decided to go for a walk because I wanted some fresh air and he said he was in my neighborhood so I let him join me. When it was time for me to go, I tried to say goodbye, and I said that I hoped the walk was a good idea since I didn't want to make his emotional pain worse. I figured maybe he needed more closure so that one of the big reasons I didn't put my foot down and say no to the walk (like my family and friends would for sure think I should have done).
Anyway, he had a lot of trouble saying goodbye to me yesterday because he was going to fly home to see his family for Christmas last night and he kept hinting that he had something to tell me but he 'didn't want to add any more stress to my life.' So we went to his car for a little bit and he told me he loves me and he pulled out an engagement ring. I started crying, and he told me I didn't have to take it or do anything--that I didn't owe him anything. At that point, I was also out of time (I had a family obligation) so I had to leave, but I said I was sorry and that we would talk. Now, he is making every effort to melt my heart so I will give in to him. I don't think he's trying to manipulate me like last year (he promised he wouldn't do that); he wouldn't propose unless he was serious about it. I had told him to pray for peace when we broke up and he said he has been praying a lot. But I don't know what to say to him without crushing him into pieces. I know I should really think about myself first and foremost, but it's so hard. I feel incapable of being so self-centered. And yet, I have to let him down...again. In some ways I can't believe he wants to be back with me because I subjected him to lots of my self-doubt even before I went through with the break-up. But it is hard on both of us to lose each other because we became best friends somewhere along the line. I am so sad and anxious about this situation. What do you think would be the best thing for me to do? I love him, but I can't be with him. I just don't want to feel even more guilty than I already do :'( I've been feeling his pain from a distance these past two weeks.
p.s. Sorry I havent been on here in forever, it seems like! I've missed you guys