I am new here and right now I really need your help to tell me who I am, because I got very confused about everything. My English is not perfect, but I hope it wont make you tired reading this text. I got a lot to say and share, yet will try to make my text as short as possible.
But before I start to bring events from my life to determine who I am in your opinion I want to point, that I am not victim, not seeking for compassion, validation, praise and so on. I honestly don't even know why I choose nick name like that. Its just first what came to my mind and I like how it sounds. I might craving a bit of attention. There is some emptiness inside of me, maybe because in my whole life there was no one I could just be myself with or open myself to. But now all I seek is understanding and truth. Also I want to note, that I am a man, grown up man. So telling all this is a bit uncomfortable for me, still truth is more valuable to me, than my masculine side.
Like many of you as I can assume -I was bullied a lot as a child. I was bullied physically, mentally and emotionally from my 1st to 9th grade. I was always a "white crow" among the people, weirdo, dumb, defenseless. In school I was always daydreaming and living in my own world, telling things that haven't touched subject anyhow of current conversations. I had no friends. There was moments where people came to my life, but mostly they betrayed me and switched side fast. After all who wants to be a friend with a lunatic? Up to the 6th grade I spend time mostly alone, looking at other kids running, observing people, listening what they are talking about in silence. Despite I was bullied -I was telling myself all the time, that I wont become like these other people. But still I got broken. I cant tell exactly when it happened, but I started to hate the world around me, evade people and hide myself home from everyone, doing some creative things like drawing, watching pictures in books or building something, playing my first small electrical piano.
I changed my school in 7th grade, which affected me more negatively. I was hoping that maybe changing school would get things better, but it did not. I was still bullied even there. My hate to people and world grew so strong, that I started to bully others myself. Not physically, but emotionally, in so called "passive-aggressive" manner. I felt guilt every time after I belittled or insulted someone, but just couldn't hold my negativity inside of me anymore and so I splashed it everywhere. I remember I even was even acting badly to children, which makes me feel guilt even now, makes me wish to make amends to them.
What launched changes in me later? I think it was because some people, that bullied me most -apologized at the end of 9th grade. They even hugged me and I felt, that they are sincere. It somehow broke my template about world being cruel place full of anger, lies and injustice.
I went to gymnasium after that, but did not want to study. All I wanted is to be in peace and think, to look at things at other angle, because I started to feel, that not everything might be so terrible as I thought. In gymnasium people stopped to bully me, but still I was from time to time belittling people around me. Back at that time my first relationship started, where despite being very kind and caring for my girl -I was also very controlling and jealous. I think it was because of fear to lose her. But eventually we broke up exactly because of my controlling behavior. We talked with her peacefully. She pointed out at some of my mistakes I did, what was wrong with my behavior and I took these words inside. It was painful to hear them, yes, but I wanted these fears and bad sides of me to be gone.
It took years in solitude to purify myself and in the end instead of spreading negativity and anger, fears of mine on people -I felt strong pull to make the world a better place. Another reason to withdrawn was, that I always was emotional. I heard so much people saying "you are too emotional", "you are sensitive", "stop acting like a girl", "cant you act like a men do?". Because of that I spend 2 years trying to kill and dampen everything I feel inside. Become more straight and cold as other people around me. In the end my mask became almost one with me. It was not so hard to wear it, despite I was feeling differently inside. But one thing it did not change, that I started to care people, help them, heal them. I was helping my friend to overcome his drug and alcohol problem for 2 years. Solved a lot of conflicts in relationship of people I know. Helped single mother for years with fixing things and other work, that man must do. And many other things. Basically I became almost completely altruistic, which at one point attracted my latest girl in my life.
I wont write about this relationship much. Except that it went exactly like internet says about "Empath-Narcissist" relationships. She drained me completely empty, blamed me on everything and made feel all responsibility for all bad that happened to us. And in the end she told me, that I am narcissist, which made me immediately look into subject and find out that I was projected narcissism at me (or was it?). And also this is how I learned, that I might be an empath.
There is a lot of signs, that can point out of someone being and empath and I match almost all of them, except maybe one or two. I did a lot of personality tests, even paid ones and found out that my personality is 86% INFP, 80% INFJ and 66% ISFP. I was shocked how correctly this all matched me. But still something makes me doubt everything. I constantly ask myself, that what if I am still abuser and narcissist and just try to mask myself to look better? What If I'm just imagining things? And this is the reason I came here. To actually put a large fat dot in everything, in all my doubts and confusion. To find peace in my mind, because other people I know and talked about this usually laugh, give me weird faces or just answer something like "No no. You are not narcissist" without pointing at anything what made them think so. I feel unsatisfied with answers...
So I guess to help you say who I am -I need to point at some experiences I noticed lately. The thing is, that usually I did not pay attention at them until I found out about empaths. And its been about one month since I started to concentrate on my senses.
Yes. Strangers do open up themselves to me. But they don't tell me their life stories. They usually, especially old people always complain me about pains they have in their legs, waist, back and shoulder, about their problems with liver and other organs. I think it has something to do with my hands, which I always was ashamed of. My mother always told me that I got healing hands as did many girls I did massage to. I somehow find out myself where people have pain by hovering my hands over their body and give massage to that place, which makes them feel good afterwards. My flat of the hand has veins seen trough skin, which make me also be ashamed of my hands a bit. But on other hand it makes them very hot and sensitive. So lately I decided to put them to good use and learn different massage techniques from books to help people.
I sense strange things, yes. Not so long ago in shop I felt extremely strong field going trough me. Then it happened again in about 5 minutes. It felt like some threw blanked on my head, except it did not hung on me, but went trough. It felt like some very heavy and strong force field gone trough my body from top to my waist. It made me feel extreme weight on my shoulders, weak in my legs and hands. Next day at work I barely could move them. They felt like made from rubber.
I feel weak around old people and pain around teenagers.
I behave frequently out of character. I can be with my mate and then suddenly act differently if we meet some of her friends, that I don't know. It feels like I cant control myself and my out of character behavior just comes out of me automatically. It made people say, that I am weird very often. Sometimes it scared them away, because it makes me look unstable. It takes a lot of concentration to actually remain myself around many people.
Places have very strong effect on me. I might talk to someone and our conversation is happy and wild. Then after we enter building or other entrance my mood and behavior can change in seconds. I can become quiet suddenly or start to behave out of character once again. I can become sad or opposite -too wild. The way I perceive surrounding changes from place to place. In one place I feel lightness and energy. In others I can feel like colors just gets darker, time goes differently, air is heavy and filled with darkness. Sometimes I get even images in my mind and sounds. Like clinging chains, running people in panic or very loud ticking of clocks, moans, cry. Especially in places that make me feel bad.
I feel myself different around people. Someone can give me good feelings, others make me feel like I am surrounded by thundercloud or makes me feel, like I got some kind of interference in my emotions and mind, which makes me twitchy, shut down or start to act weird again.
My actions can also become weird. I do things that I should not do and was told not to do. Like at work. There is trasher where people put bad parts and I might just throw there good ones. Lately I noticed that it happens, when someone else is going to put something in there. Sometimes I was asked if I am feeling alright after doing that on what I cant answer anything or find any explanation. And this is just one of hundreds examples of this kind. Even my father asked me many times if I am an idiot.
I am also clumsy. I constantly hit my legs and hands at something. When I walk -I cant walk straight all the time. From time to time I feel like some force just pulls me to the side and I make few steps to the right or left. Even when I stand -I can just suddenly start to lean back or to the sides.
I also bought black tourmaline bracelet and necklace. And they help me, but also make me a bit scared. They make me feel somehow disconnected from world I got used to live in. I made some tests with them at work. Put them on for 2 hours and then took of for another 2 hours during break. And they really work, which made me happy and shocked at same time. When I wear them I smile a lot and overall my mood is better. But when I put them away -world changes. I feel like something "shrinks" around me. Some kind of thing and light field. And after that world loses a bit of its colors, becomes colder and I sense it differently. Also without my bracelet and necklace over time I start to feel pains in a middle of my chest. At first it feels like phantom pain, but if I continue to be without my crystals -it becomes very intense, like something is squeezing or wants to burst out from my chest. At the end of the day without crystals pain becomes so strong that it makes me bend down, wish to run home and hide.
There is much more to write, but I think I wrote enough for the start. I really hope you could help me with finding of who I am. Am I an empath or maybe just hypersensitive? Maybe I am narcissist? I'm not afraid of truth. If I am empath -I want to learn how to live with myself. If I am abuser or narcissist -then there is work to be done. You can ask freely any questions if there is some blank spaces or things that require more datails for you and I will answer honestly. Need photo for scan -I can send that. Since It all began from my relationship with her -I can also sen her photo if it will make things more clear. Anything to find out truth. I really need justified opinions and verdicts from people, that actually know what I am talking about. And I'm sorry if my text is a bit messy...My mind is just always busy with something and there is just not enough time for anything these days.
And thank you.