I messed everything up

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CalMidwester
@calmidwester
7 months ago
108 posts

Well, my stupid, horrible, no good judgement has ended up biting me again. I mentioned in my intro that I had a therapist who introduced me to energy medicine and even the concept of being an Empath, among other things. He has brought so many good things into my life.  Several years ago, I stopped seeing him because I was so attracted to him that it was causing me to basically be miserable every time I saw him.  Because he knew so much of our family history, when we were again dealing with problems with one of my children, against my better judgment, I went back to him.  The minute I saw him, it was worse than ever.  On the one hand, he did help me deal with the family issues.  He also introduced me to some great resources such as Brian Weiss and Suzanne Geisemann.  But, the whole damn time, I knew there was this big elephant in the room.  Twice he did energy medicine 'treatments' on me and I never asked again because him putting his hands all over me was unbearable.  

The last few times I saw him, he talked more about his own life and the end of his marriage (he was still married when I had seen him years ago, so this is a recent event).  He also began to hug me at the end of each session.  I knew it was getting worse and I knew in the end, it would be a mess, but I couldn't stop myself from seeing him.  Last time, I can honestly say the session was truly just like two people catching up. At least 50% of the session was him talking about his ex wife, etc.  I have also discussed my own issues with my marriage, so he knows it is an extremely unfulfilling situation for me.  He knows all this.  At the end, he went to hug me and I am doing the side hug type thing and he grabbed me and pulled me in very tightly.  At that point,  I literally couldn't stop myself from hugging him back very tightly.  Then I just sighed and left.  He followed me outside and asked me about my car, of all things, and lo and behold, we have the same f-ing car, and he told me how much he loves it, etc..  I just sighed again  and walked away down the street.

I literally couldn't bear it anymore and called him today. I said that I had told him more than once that I really struggled after our sessions and that I knew he knew why. He admitted he did.  I told him I had to know if this was a one-way thing and all he said was that this happens sometimes and that it has happened before. He then said 'it's not something he would be looking for.' Well, no duh, I know it would be a huge ethical issue, but frankly, he could've been less cold about it.  Then he said we could try to work through it or he could refer me to someone else, but then he said he didn't want to do that.  

I just said that it was good that I knew this so that I could close that door in my mind.  But, honestly, this is devastating. Yes, I am an idiot.  In no way did I really think that he was going to risk his professional career by engaging in an affair with me.  I knew he wouldn't.  But, when he hugged me like that, it all went out the window.  I don't even know what to think now.  I am broken hearted and honestly mad.  I feel like it's not out of line to think he should've referred me to someone else ages ago. I know that he knew. And, I feel like he led me on a bit with the hugs and the way too personal banter.  

Anyway, I just wanted to vent here.  This is humiliating, but I have to share it somewhere.  I am starting to think he is a narc and that I just did that thing of getting sucked in by this false sense of intimacy, which is sorely missing from my own life.  I feel like he was in the position of power and that he knew, after all that I shared, that I was extremely vulnerable.  Blah.  If you read this far, thank you for reading.  If you can think some good thoughts for a sad, lonely person who now needs to salvage the good that I learned from this - basically a much more fulfilling belief system  - and try to get over the embarrassment and sadness.


updated by @calmidwester: 09/06/17 01:24:41AM
JoniG
@jonig
7 months ago
34 posts
First, I object to you thinking your judgement is so bad & belittling yourself 😔 I understand your feeling that way because you're hurt & embarrassed but, your judgement is better than most, don't discount it!! Of course he knew & was stoking his ego at your expense...sad but not uncommon right? You also kniw he has feelings for you. We KNOW these things. He's not able, or unwilling to openly act upon these...not really a surprise but hurts our all knowing heart right? I totally understand this pain. The psin of knowing someone is vibrationally in line with you but states otherwise. It hurts!! And, who do you talk to about it that would understand? I understand! And, I applaud your honesty & bravery! Get a new person. Thus will leave you open to him contacting you if he is also gutsy enough...it gives the Universe some room to work with. People I feel like that are like a drug to me...it's overwhelming & feels so urgent & insistent. Sorry to ramble. I DO get it. I think you're being WAY to hard on yourself because of your emotions. Practice self love right now, dream of the future, be positive...you are loved 💜
CalMidwester
@calmidwester
7 months ago
108 posts
Thank you so much for your kind response. I will type more later, but I just had to log in to thank you. It was just good to know someone listened and sympathized. Hugs to you.
JoniG
@jonig
7 months ago
34 posts
💜
LoconnorO
@loconnoro
7 months ago
151 posts

I don't know what to say except I am so sorry that you're going through that right now... The unfulfilling marriage to this whole incident with this guy... The only thing that I would highly recommend keeping some sort of journal for only your eyes and your eyes only. I keep one and that's where my rants go, and any massive thoughts that take over my mind or grab my attention. I've had a much more positive outlook and its helped me tremendously to write this all down every day. My entries are usually 1-2 pages, but, if you do decide to do this, just write until you feel better. I have found myself actually looking forward to going home and writing in this, and I find I comfort myself, and find the advice I need to hear while I'm writing. It's just a thought, but it has helped me LOADS. Best of wishes for you though! I hope it all gets better somehow! We are here for you anytime.

CalMidwester
@calmidwester
7 months ago
108 posts
That's a good idea. The funny thing is that last night I was so distraught that I did in fact start writing! I think I will try to continue. This is definitely going to take some time to process. Thank you for your support!
Hermes.V
@hermes
7 months ago
104 posts
Hi calmidwester,
That's a really interesting story, still first of all, know that you didn't mess anything up. Something could have gone wrong, but nothing's gone wrong yet. The attraction you feel with your therapist is very understandable: you want to get to know each other. The law of attraction works by bringing similar people together. There is another law that tends to bring opposite people together. Part of the reason you feel so attracted to your therapist is because the two of you have so much in common. On top of that, he's probably quite spiritual, making him just more attractive to the spiritually inclined. Yet, I won't blame him, for what he feels. He's probably in pain and hoping maybe a new relationship could remedy that, until of course ethics get in the way. Hoorah for ethics. Likewise, no one can blame you for what you feel, it's absolutely natural. Still, to live a calm peaceful life some perspective need to be gained.
When we see only similarities, we tend to be attracted. When we see only differences, we tend to be repulsed. So, the easy way to start being less attracted to someone is to start noticing differences. I'm not saying to start hating someone, that just gets you into love/hate. I'm saying balance the similarities you see with the differences. This will neutralize the attraction and enable the relationship to be more stable and more healthy.
One good thing about admiring people is you learn to sincerely appreciate certain characteristics. There really is no need to feel guilty about admiring someone. Admire, appreciate and understand. Then once you're done appreciating the similarities, start to notice and appreciate the differences.
For those who have a partner, still there is no reason to feel guilty. Whatever you see in the person you admire, look for it in your partner. Sometimes there are so many obstacles in a relationship that its hard to find similarities by observing the partner. That's why the universe sent us this person we could admire. It's easier to find something we like in a fresh setting. Once we know what we like, simply look for it in our partner. We were obviously attracted to our partner before, so there must be a reason why. This method could really help to bring balance to that relationship.
Now I should summarize all this:
Understand there's no need to feel guilty.
Appreciate what you see and experience.
Then look for it in what you already have and appreciate that too.
Appreciate both similarities and differences.

Love and light ;)
CalMidwester
@calmidwester
7 months ago
108 posts

Thank you @hermes.  Thank you all for the responses.  

I am really still trying to sort out my feelings, what is a healthy response, what should I question, etc? 

I have been very open about my loneliness and had said several times that it was hard to leave him.  I think it is fair to say that he should've either tried to address this or referred me to someone else. I think there is a way he could've done that kindly.  Yet he didn't and I don't know what I think about that. He's human too, I get that, but why did I have to be the one to say something? Why did he give me those hugs? Isn't a male therapist giving a female client long hugs a no?  My one friend who knows all of this also says that him talking so much about his own marriage is a red flag.  But I guess I can't be angry because I understand how good it felt to actually talk to someone who could relate and seemed to empathize.

In regards to my own marriage, I have tried so so hard to focus on the positive. There are positives in terms of what we have built with our family.  I just think at some point, when you have tried and tried and tried and you know the other person is both not going to change and also just not that passionate about you, you stand at a crossroads.  There's no easy path and frankly, and perhaps this is immature, but I am not willing to be the one who ends it because I will look like the bad guy, I will lose many of our friends and have to endure a lot of turmoil in the relationships with my older children.  He will not say it was a mutual thing because we both grew apart, he would definitely play the broken hearted party.  What I have to accept is that he will never acknowledge that our relationship isn't really all that fulfilling.  i have to assume he finds enough fulfillment in other ways or isn't really all that unhappy, or he would be able to at least admit that.  I feel like if we could do that, we could somehow move forward wth mutual respect and yes, maybe even find something to build on.  But, that has not happened and I am really, really tired of trying.  I just have to find another way, my own peace and fulfillment, and gain more confidence.  I'm trying.  I really am.

I am going to contact the woman who did my past life reading and ask her if she knows of any good female therapists. Onward....

CalMidwester
@calmidwester
7 months ago
108 posts
Update: I did get a rec for a new therapist, a woman. She is closer to me by a lot and lo and behold she had a cancellation so I'm seeing her tomorrow. I'll take that as a sign...
LoconnorO
@loconnoro
7 months ago
151 posts

Best of luck!!!

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