I see you as a young woman in the 30's. I see you as a beautiful "starlet" (or at least that's what you wanted to be!) with gorgeous, straight black hair, and big eyes. You were having photos taken. This is NOT Hollywood, however. It was Eastern European, somewhere like Romania. You felt that you could have a bright future, but it never really panned out. You were a somewhat shy, unassuming child. You never pursued it because it became clear that to achieve your goals, there would definitely prices you were unwilling to pay ~ dirty deals, sexual favors, etc. Your ambition wasn't strong enough for you to go that far. You live in a city. I think your dad died at a very young age, and your mom moved to the city. I feel like she had an Ok job, like a servant for some rich people or something. She was better off than most people in the country. I feel like you had some rich relatives that didn't help you out directly, but it's almost like the fact you were related alone opened doors for her & for you. You were out on your own at 16 years old, but it doesn't actually feel abnormal. You were living with a gay man, possibly one of your rich relatives, or a friend of theirs. This person was really fun to be with, was a part of the "scene", it reminds me a lot of the movie Cabaret, that type of scene. Theatrical, artsy. I think you lived with him for free, and he just liked the company, plus he believed in your dream, maybe he was the reason you had the dream of being a star in the first place. You were very close. He became some kind of presenter/director/host type of thing, and you abandoned your dream. I don't know if you ever told him why, he just thought you were doing what you wanted. I think you had a small inheritance that kept you going, and you did have a child, or adopted an orphaned child maybe (it would've been someone in your family that died, and the child had no one.) You weren't happy, times were tough. There was no way for you express yourself. Now, there are so many jobs a person can have, but back then, there were very few options. So, you were basically unhappy with your life, but you knew there was nothing you could do about it.
I'd appreciate any feedback you have about this!
The reason it may be safer to do these readings and dealing with someone off line is because a lot of people who do the reading could find it useful to have a photo of you. I find the chin up to eyes view most useful in recognizing people, but that is just me. Often though the way someone will wear their hair (even if to most it seems weird) can be a meaningful clue (especially when you have the tough decision to determine which of a set of twins were you.) Still, even the way one holds their body can be pretty darn meaningful.
What I did not realize until I started to see past lives (of my own and others) is how much information is right there in front of you in your own house. Play the private detective game and go around your own house as if you were someone else. [Understand that I am not advocating you letting strangers in your house to snoop around to do a reading...That is just not safe]. This is an exercise for you. What can you find out by looking around your house about the occupants. Some of the stuff they keep (even if they don't quite know why). Understand that you may still not know why you kept certain things even after playing this game, but you will start the process of learning about yourself.
I am ready to sort through and eliminate some clutter in 2014, however, now I know to take a snapshot of anything unusual I created or kept for a very long time even if the reason is currently unknown to me. Even if these appear to others nothing but "messes". In my case an accumulation of files turned out to be an "aha moment but not until I was already researching the life of a person I believed myself to be in a past life. Little did I know how much of our lives matched, down to these messes. But now these messes suddenly had meaning. They served as confirmation of my knowing, because I am the sort of person that needs that confirmation.
While we are on the subject of confirmation of information, I will mention here the following: Just today, I had this aha experience because I recognized someone as possibly the reincarnation of Jim Hanson from the Muppets. Then upon closer observation, I realized that the person I thought was a reincarnation of Jim Hanson was really his friend, who was exhibiting his personal physical characteristics of Jim Hanson to bring to his friend's awareness who he was in another life. (If this sounds complicated, well it can be) This is one of the reasons I don't jump into offering you a reading. I can tell a person what I see, from the physical, but some of the cases are not as straight forward as that. People often come back in teams, and they agree to do crazy things, such as taking on in a new life a friend's name (which will one day be a clue to the person), but not until it is time.
Although I have never been a painter, one winter I felt really strongly that I had to paint a little cottage with all the lights streaming from it. The cottage was surrounded by plants and flowers. Now some of you may think: Thomas Kinkade?? ...but that may not be the answer. Years from now a cottage just like the one you painted or very very similar will show up in a place totally unexpected (or so out of place that you take notice), and by that time you will not only know it is a sign, but you will have a knowing that you were the person that this object is leading you toward. (and NO, it was not Thomas Kinkade]
I was presented a piece of wood by a woodworker in my early 30's. It was a nice gift, but what I did not realize was that the shape of the rings on this unusual tree was the exact shape of an island in the Pacific Ocean. And the careful decoration the woodworker painstakingly added around the perimeter would add what was missing from it to complete a picture which will years later give me another "Oh My God! experience".
So, my recommendation is to find someone you can trust to do a reading, but keep safety first in mind. Second, do your homework, as any reading given to a person who is not ready for it could be just that a reading. Get to know who you are in this life. I wonder how many of us can answer that question.
I had a reading some 22 years ago by a Buddhist Monk, and some of it is just NOW making sense. Interestingly, I took notes (I think they may have even told me to do that). I kept that slip of paper for what seems like forever. I kept going back to it periodically. Each time I came back with "no, don't get it". Then suddenly this past year it made perfect sense. I also suddenly had the realization of the skill it took that Monk to know what he knew back then about me that I did not know about myself.
You have embarked on a very interesting journey. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get to where you need to be. Pretty soon you will be reading for others.
(Sorry about the ramblings)
If you were to be familiar with the MBTI, I could probably explain it quicker. (try to Google it)
So, let's suppose I am now an ESFP personality type according to the MBTI. I believe this would have been so in my past lives as well. (Google to find out what ties some of these personality types together in their preferences). Understand however, that one could be an engineering mindset that constantly analyses, and yet in this life chose to express that through art. So that same Essence comes through but plays out in these various scenarios, yet part of it remains unchanged.
After researching the lives of some of the better known personalities that I have been, I do see an amazing amount of similarity in ESSENCE between these past people and MY- self that is communicating with you right now. Essence meaning a way of being that goes down to the Core. Preferences, Values, even introvertedness can be a recurring thing unless in one life you suddenly chose to come back to experience otherwise.
With so much about us pre-set, one wonders about free will. In a complicated way Free Will still exist.
Your personality type can be a good as well as a bad thing depending on the situation. Good in a sense that you wont give up easily; you will persist. Bad in the sense that if you are not alined with your higher self, you could fight a very long battle (persisting fighting against yourself beyond the point that others would do) while thinking that you are battling outside forces. I not only sense your fatigue and frustration, I have lived it.
Let's address the point regarding your feeling about the free will first to see if that will help.
The things that you think you have less control over (lifes bigger issues) is actually the part of your life you are currently controlling to a greater extent.
Not everything is as it seems to us three dimensional beings. Theappearanceis just like you described above, but in reality our subconscious knows exactly where we are heading even if the conscious mind seems foggy and confused as to the real plan. It appears that some strange force is moving us, when in fact we are proceeding (moving ourselves forward) with life exactly as it has been planned (by us). (Good and bad situations alike)
I just commented to my husband today that an incredibly unfortunate event, had it not occur in the 80s, I would probably never have met him and would not have had the wonderful children that we had together. If you were to ask me at the time though, I was incredibly devastated by the circumstances, and saw nothing but misfortune in the event. At the time this issue seemed like one of lifes bigger issues, and a frustrating turning point at that. It appeared that nothing good would ever come of it.
However, dont think that I will now suggest that you simply need to be more positive. You and I both know that things are more complicated than that. Not only that, you probably have more positivity and drive than a lot of other people being an INFJ.
As my perception widened with enlightenment and I mean opened up a LOT, suddenly I saw how a seemingly so negative thing could have been for my own benefit. You would laugh or cry if you knew how many years passed since that one specific turning point and todays realization and appreciation/gratitude of what is. During those past years, I fought the battle against myself. I do my best to be in better touch with my higher self these days, but that does not mean that I am without problems to solve daily. In fact, if I told you that after enlightenment you will be faced with higher challenges, you will take smaller more cautious steps toward this supposed pure bliss. Yes there is a certain relief in it. One of the things that I am very grateful for is a better understanding of time itself. I used to drive myself absolutely crazy thinking that I would run out of time somehow to do something meaningful in my current life.
We have certain dreams and wishes that the subconscious recognizes as deep-seated wants.
The subconscious does not pick these up from your thinking but from your emotions or feelings instead. So, if you come upon something and it really moves you, that gets recorded. The higher self wants to experience more of these moments, so it keeps moving you toward the realization of these dreams, goals & wishes. The problem arises when we tell ourselves while thinking that we need that super high paying job, but our emotions tell the higher self that we are pretty content with the small things in life that dont take a lot of money at all. We are chasing what we THINK we want, while the higher self is lining things up to satisfy what we truly want. A terrible battle can get set into place where one is fighting with him/herself over what they should want rather than believing that what we want is possible and achievable.
Our 3D perception (the root of a lot of our problems) tells us that in the real world things dont work that way. It tells us that we cant have what we want. You hear people say that is not realistic. Well in the higher realms things DO work that way. We all are doing work there which suit us best. We do the things that we are best at, regardless of what value a third dimensional person would assign to our contribution.
If you are anything like me, this final thought may come as a relief:
Upon enlightenment the very first thing that changed was my perception of time. That took so much stress off of me. This realization that the way time works is nothing like we envision it in our three dimensional reality, and that there is plenty of time. Maybe not for us in this exact existence, but from the Souls perspective there is an infinite amount of time. For example a soul can come to Earth for a so-called mission for 20 some years and think nothing of it. In the overall scheme of things this is considered a short time compared to infinite time.
Your current suffering and inability to move past a certain obstacle signals more that you are not in alignment with what your higher self wants than a true unsolvable situation (which may be your current perception). To your current self, your present situation may seem that your choices have narrowed and there is no way out of your predicament.
You may not know the HOW part, or the specifics but know that anything is possible and the best thing you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other each day.
This note got pretty long, so I will leave it here for now. Keep Googling, keep inquiring. It will result in a meaningful change in perception. For me it was a tremendous relief. Did it solve all my Earthly problems? NO It did change quite a bit how I approach those problems though. This started moving me forward again.
Things arent hopeless, just get your vehicle unstuck and you will be on your way.
Don't ever give up trying. Do start however to work smarter rather than harder.
Some people believe we make contracts with each other for all of the big things before incarnating. I feel exactly as you do about being pushed in the big things but having freedom in small things. I've had the same happen to me throughout my life. I am also INFJ and agree it is an extra burden on top of HSP and empathy in our present society.
I have had best success in contacting my past lives using lucid dreaming. You might try working on being able to do that, if you haven't already.
I am starting to pick up something simply through our interaction and notes going back and forth Gin C. That is why I wrote the long "bit" that is above.
What I am picking up (about you), without divulging something that is confidential, is that although your conscious self is not aware of this, you are currently involved in some real "selfless" work.
There is a purpose even in your fatigue in making this personality work. That is all I can say without interfering with your course. But now it is even more certain that either I have been or my former self has been exactly where you are.
Some things I can't say with more certainty as I am still learning about all this.
You are doing all the right things. Get in touch with who you are. All the other things will follow. That much I know for sure. You will get a gut feeling when you are thinking of doing something but it really is not your heart's desire.
If you are a heavy thinker like I am, shutting down thoughts to meditate won't come easily. If that is the case, try activities like Tai Chi or Karate or even Calligraphy where you are forced to concentrate on your physical movements. This allows your brain some break from the constant thinking, trying to figure things out. I did not think one could think too much, but looking back, I see it. We can get caught up in excessive thinking. That can cause not only worry but anxiety.
All is well. There is a plan. You are contributing even if it seems like you are doing nothing. That used to be my biggest fear "accomplishing nothing" and this strange sense that I would somehow run out of time.
Need to go for now, but you know where to find me.
Yoga is good. Go with it.
Forget about the "running out of time" other than for filing your taxes and important stuff. Other than that, you have lifetimes.
The kids...I can't help you there. (samo samo here) ha ha ...but even that will evolve to a different relationship. I am still wondering on that myself as to WHEN. again (laughs)
The anxiety will ease, I promise you as your perspective shifts, so keep managing it with exercise or whatever you can muster up.
Do not focus too long on negative things or fret over things as you will draw it closer to yourself. Fears if you dwell on it will be worse. Agree to table it and set up specific 10 to 15 minutes sessions when you decide (like an appointment) when you will deal with it or ponder it.
I am rushing like crazy now, but we can catch up by private message later if you like.