Signs You are living With a Narcissist or Psychopath

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Bing
@bing
10 months ago
547 posts

Empaths 114.jpg

As empaths we occasionally end up interacting with, or in relationships with, narcissists and psychopaths. We, as Lightworkers and empaths, naturally try to help them. This can end up really wrecking some peoples self esteem and self confidence.  These people are mentally, and spiritually, ill.  I have been seeing a lot of empaths talking about these types of scenarios and that is why I put this topic together.  I hope that it has been helpful.  You are the normal one.

Here are clinical descriptions of these types of people so that you may realize that it is THEM who are wrong and that you need to distance yourself from these people immediately.

Narcissist:

The Mayo Clinic research group defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” This alternate persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, “above others,” self-absorbed, and highly conceited.

How do you know when you’re dating a narcissist? Here are ten telltale signs, with excerpts from my book (click on title): “How to Successfully Handle Narcissists (link is external)”. While most of us are guilty of some of the following behaviors at one time or another, a pathological narcissist tends to dwell habitually in several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) how her or his actions affect others. 

1.  Loves to Talk About Oneself

One of the easiest ways to detect a possible narcissist is by listening to the way he or she speaks. A pathological narcissist loves to talk about himself, often in exaggerated and grandiose terms. She is also someone who’s likely to dominate a conversation. Common conversational topics for narcissists include accomplishments and achievements (the trophy complex), exciting and envy-worthy activities, excessive focus on personal issues and concerns, excessive focus on looks and materialism, and putting others down to show one’s own superiority.

2.  Charming and Romantic – But with a Catch

Many narcissists can come across as alluring and attractive, especially during the initial stages of a relationship, when they’re trying to win you over. Like a master salesperson, they use charisma to get your attention, flattery to make you feel special, seduction (flirting, gifts, dinners, get-aways, sex, etc.) to lift you off your feet, and persuasion to get you to give them what they want.

While there’s absolutely nothing wrong inherently with being charming, romantic, and a good lover, the narcissist crafts these traits in order to use others. He or she is not really interested in you, but only what he wants to extract from you (often to fulfill an inner emptiness due to the inability to create true intimacy).

3.  Lack of Reliability and Follow Through

Another way to spot a narcissist is to measure her or his actions against her words. Many narcissists lack reliability and follow through. This can range from regularly breaking appointments, to habitually falling through on promises and agreements. The lack of dependability can be emotional as well - being there for you one minute and gone the next. When you observe a pattern of inconsistency between what your partner says, versus what she or he actually does, you may be dealing with a narcissist.

4.  Instant Gratification

Some narcissists, being highly self-centered and self-absorbed, expect instant gratification to fulfill their needs. This may range from goading you to answer their texts or calls immediately, to pressuring you to do things their way (socially, interpersonally, and/or sexually). A quick way to detect a possible narcissist is to gently say “no,” or “let me think about it” to a request you’re not comfortable with, and see how your date responds. If she or he tries hard to persuade you and wouldn’t let up, or shows signs of impatience, irritation, or anger (like a petulant child), take note.

5. Rule Breaker and Boundary Violator

The narcissist often enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.

“I take pride in persuading people to give me exceptions to their rules.”

― Anonymous narcissist

In addition, pathological narcissists often show wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, time, and physical space. They overstep and use others without consideration or sensitivity, taking pride, rather than showing remorse, of their Machiavellian deeds.

6. Entitlement

Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect people to cater to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them. For instance, pay attention to how your date treats service people, such as a waitress or waiter, and other support staff. If he or she orders them around like he’s the king, or picks on minor service flaws, be aware. At some point your date may begin to exercise similar entitlement towards you.

7.  Manipulation: Using Others to Extend Oneself

Some narcissists will use his or her romantic partner to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized ambitions, or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws.

“I can’t wait to show you off to my friends and make them jealous!”

― Anonymous narcissist

“I talked my girlfriend into letting me live with her rent free. I also get to use her car.”

― Anonymous narcissist

8.  Constantly Puts Others Down

In order to put up a facade of superiority, and disguise hidden insecurity and inadequacy, some narcissists will constantly put other people down, to boost their own desirability and acceptability. Targets of their negative talk may include “inferior” colleagues, “incompetent” managers, “clueless” friends, and “flawed” former relations. During the initial phase of dating, the narcissist may pour on the charm and entice you with many compliments. However, even during this stage, pay attention to your date’s seemingly minor, passive-aggressive jokes and comments about your background, body features, choice of attire, use of time, as well as personal and work priorities. Consider whether these remarks are reasonable, or reflect your date’s selfish desire for you to “change for the better”.

9.  Reacts Negatively When You Don’t Give Them What They Want

Since many narcissists can't stand disappointment or rejection, they will frequently react negatively when you don’t give them what they want, in the way they want it. Some of the common responses include:

Anger – Tantrum. Negative judgment. Personal attacks. Ridicule.

Passive-Aggression – The cold shoulder. The silent treatment. Withhold of love and affection (such as it is). Sarcasm. Calculated separation.

Emotional Coercion – Blame. Guilt trip. Calling the partner ungrateful. Threaten to withhold love and intimacy (such as it is). Pretend narcissistic victimhood.

10.  Lack of Commitment to a Serious Relationship

If you and your partner have been dating for a good length of time, and your partner is unwilling to make a serious commitment, it may be cause for concern. There are many possible reasons for a partner’s lack of commitment. Some are highly reasonable and deserve serious consideration. Others, however, may be highly selfish. What distinguishes a narcissist’s lack of commitment is his or her desire to keep the status quo with you, reap the benefits of intimacy, while keeping an eye out for other, perhaps more eligible (in the narcissist’s view) prospects.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, there are many strategies and skills you can utilize to help restore health, balance, and respect. In my book (click on title): “How to Successfully Handle Narcissists (link is external),” you'll learn how to maintain composure, ways to be proactive instead of reactive, seven powerful strategies to handle narcissists, eight ways to say “no” diplomatically but firmly, keys to negotiate successfully with narcissists, and seven types of power you can utilize to compel cooperation.

Psychopaths:

Psychopaths make up one percent of the general population. Contrary to popular belief, most of them aren’t serial killers.

 

They’re manipulative people who intentionally cause harm to others without any sense of remorse or responsibility.

Psychopaths are social chameleons who can fit perfectly into any situation. 

 

They are experts at morphing their identities to get what they want and mirroring others for money, sex, and — most commonly — attention. Because of their ability to idealize others, psychopaths are often perceived as charming, innocent, and fun to unsuspecting onlookers and casual acquaintances.

 

But there is another side to them.

 

When they’re feeling threatened or bored, a psychopath’s true colors start to come out. They draw you into arguments that are unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. The argument usually stems from something hurtful or inappropriate they’ve done, but you’ll quickly find that you’re the one defending yourself.

 

It’s sort of like good cop, bad cop, demented cop, stalker cop, scary cop, baby cop.

 


Here are 6 warning signs that the person you’re arguing with is a psychopath and it’s time to disengage.






1. They lie and make excuses.

Everyone messes up every now and then, but psychopaths recite excuses more often than they follow through with promises. Their actions never match up with their words and their lies disappoint you so frequently that you actually feel relieved when they do something halfway decent. They’ve conditioned you to become grateful for mediocre treatment.



2. Their tone is condescending and patronizing.

Psychopaths often try to make you unhinged in an attempt to gain the upper hand. Throughout the entire argument, you’ll notice that they keep a calm and cool demeanor. It’s almost as if they’re mocking you — gauging your reactions to see how much further they can push. When you finally react emotionally, that’s when they’ll raise their eyebrows, smirk, tell you to calm down, or feign disappointment.



3. They employ mind-blowing hypocrisy.

In heated arguments, psychopaths have no shame and will often begin labeling you with their own horrible qualities. It goes beyond projection, because most people project unknowingly. Psychopaths know they are smearing you with their own flaws, because they are seeking a reaction. The point is to lure you in so that you react and seem “crazy” to onlookers.



4. They seem to have multiple personalities.

When arguing with a psychopath, you’re likely to notice a variety of their personas. It’s sort of like good cop, bad cop, demented cop, stalker cop, scary cop, baby cop. Once you begin pulling away from their manipulation and lies, they’ll start apologizing and flatter you. If that doesn’t work, they’ll suddenly start insulting the qualities they just flattered two minutes ago. As they struggle to regain control, you’ll be left wondering who you’re even talking to.



5. They play the eternal victim.

Somehow, their bad behavior will always lead back to a conversation about their abusive past or a crazy ex or an evil boss. You’ll end up feeling bad for them, even when they’ve done something horribly wrong. And once they’ve successfully diverted your attention, everything will get messy again. Psychopaths cry “abuse,” but, in the end, you’re the only one being abused.



6. You feel the need to explain basic human emotions to them.

You’ll find yourself attempting to explain emotions like empathy and kindness, guided by the thought that if they understand why you’re hurt, they’ll stop hurting you. You are not the first person who has attempted to see the good in them, and you will not be the last. They behave this way because they know that it hurts you.




There’s only one way out of these arguments. You need to disengage!




Arguments with psychopaths leave you drained. You might spend hours, even days, obsessing over the argument. If you think you have the perfect response to their latest outrageous comment, they planted it there on purpose. They’re trying to provoke you. They’re trying to draw you in.



In professional environments, they want you to blow up so that coworkers and superiors see you as unstable. In romantic settings, they want you to lash out so that they can use your “hysterical” reactions to show potential partners and exes how crazy you’ve become. Until we understand this, we’ll continue to fall into their trap.

 


So next time someone you’re arguing with uses these tactics to draw you in, try a different strategy: simply smile, nod, and go live your life.
 

They don’t deserve another second of your time.



If you are interacting with either types of these individuals, male or female, they are not going to "get better" any time soon and you are only enabling them and doing harm to yourself.  No matter how much you pour into the relationship they are not going to change their behaviour.  They are mentally ill.  


Throw some love into the wind.


Bing







updated by @bing: 05/31/17 06:50:45PM
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
10 months ago
502 posts

@bing:

I've been accused by some of being too wordy with my posts. Your post makes me feel better about that. Happy But it's worth the read. Thanks for the info.!

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
10 months ago
230 posts

Hi Bing, thank you for this post! I even recognized some of the info - show how much research I've done :) I especially appreciate what you said at the end, though. I'm the type to need lots of warnings like that.. it's so hard.

Nyla
@nyla
10 months ago
22 posts

Hi Bing~  When I joined here several months ago this was what I was looking for.  I have since joined other groups that have helped me more than words can ever describe.  I knew all about being an Empath.  I AM one.  Its like describing myself.  I didn't really need help describing myself.  What I needed to know was what in the "heck" I was picking up and what really is this with my significant other?

I have since been thoroughly educated in what "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" is.  Its a cluster B personality disorder.  Its different than being vain and self absorbed.  Its insidious.  Its evil.  At the advanced end are the sociopath and the psychopaths.  And they ALL go after Empaths.

Someone asked me today how long it was until I realized my H had NPD.  Twenty five years.  I don't know how I did it but I give myself credit for making it this long.

The Empath community needs more education on this.  It is horrific what we endure as a group.  We don't even know.  We can not label it.  No one tells us about it.  We need to be informed and educated.

I have no idea why I clicked on here this evening.  But since I know there are no such thing as co-incidences I am sure it was to see your post.  As a group...and worldwide,  a light needs to be held on this psychological abuse.  That is what it is.  Abuse.  Abuse to Empaths.

S.

TigerLily
@tigerlily
10 months ago
308 posts
Thank you for this post. It is a good reminder for all of us to watch out for the narcs and psychopaths. :)

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