About ten years ago, I realized my dad was a narcissist, I'm sure if he ever sought help, which he would NEVER do, he would surely be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. This summer at a family reunion, I suddenly saw his behavior fully and completely and it was so terrible. I am an empath and a healer and a light worker, so I am his scapegoat kid. My brothers he approves of and disapproves of on different levels, but he seems to have a deep resentment and almost hatred for me. I found out that he thinks that I came into his life to wreck it all up and cause trouble and ruin everything that is important to him--I'm not on that list of things that are important to him apparently. It was so shocking and traumatic to realize that he actually truly thinks that, and all my life I've loved him and looked up to him and tried to help him heal and listened to him and believed in him. All while he was filing me with negative devices and bad energy to keep me down so he could look good and not have me mess up his life and make him look bad somehow. I'm not sure what he thinks I'm doing that could make him look bad or ruin his life, but none of this is based in rational thought or reason, so there is no use trying to solve it.
I was very traumatized when I realized what was happening and it took me a month of hard core all day energy work on my own and with some mentors and friends to clear me of the bad things he's done to me. It's been six months since that terrible revelation and I have good days and bad days about it. Part of me is still in shock that a dad could do that to his daughter who loves him and is an empath and a highly sensitive person and a healer. It was terrible to realize how much of my life and my free agency and my choices were not even really mine, they belonged to my dad, and I didn't have a choice about it, and I didn't even really know it was happening. Now I know and can choose for myself and honor myself and not let him or anyone else treat me like that. Still, somedays are hard. Today I got that yucky feeling again like I will never be free of him and his bad behavior toward me. I think it is because some old stuff came up to heal, but I'm not totally sure how to heal it with the tools I have.
Being an empath, I can even sometimes feel his disapproval and hatred of me and anger and need to control and dominate coming to me from him, even though we live in different parts of the country. Sometimes it's just old wounds coming up for healing so it's coming from inside me in my unhealed places instead of him. I feel angry that he never gave me what I needed, never saw me or heard me or valued me, or had any empathy towards me, but pretend he did, so I raised myself the best I could, filled with guilt and shame and anxiety and letting people and institutions take advantage of me and lord over me.
I feel like I don't know enough healing techniques to get all this out of my system and healed. I for sure want to go to therapy. I was going for a few months recently, but found out my insurance didn't cover it, so I had to stop until I can afford it. In the mean time, I use my healing gifts like reiki and being able to remove trapped negative emotions, cutting unhealthy energy chords, healing past lives and things like that. I feel like I need to add another healing gift to address this stuff, but I don't know where to find it. Have any of you had to heal yourself or others from abuse? What methods do you use? Where did you learn them from?
updated by @sarah: 03/23/17 12:37:43PM