I'm very glad you shared your story as I have felt so alone and misunderstood. Sometimes just writing out those feelings and words helps to release that energy so that it may open the door for healing. My mom was the one that singled me out. I knew from a very young age that there was something wrong with her cause other mom's were not like her. My mom grew up with alcoholic abuse parents and spent 3 years in an orphanage. It didn't make my pain any better, but I have been able to forgive her.
I used to be in a cult. The guru was , through regression, identified as supposedly having been Jesus, Buddha, and a bunch of other famous prophets, philosophers etc., but in the end turned out to be a psychologically, mentally, and spiritually manipulating psychopath.
As I developed CFS shortly after leaving the cult, I feared for years that he was attacking me, and somehow causing my maladies. I did a lot of healing work too, forgiveness, cutting cords, etc, etc. Whenever I saw healers, they usually confirmed my suspicion - even years after I left the cult. One day I realized though that I was giving him far too much power! I had moved country, I had scores of angels helping me - even if he had the life force of his hundred followers at his disposal to attack me, how could scores of angels not protect me sufficiently? (There is even the English Channel between him and me now, so a decent body of, isolating, protecting salt water buffer!). I decided that is neither that smart, nor capable (nor would have the time!)to reach me, and disaffect me that badly. I let it go, and found other more reasonable sources of my unwellness! I kinda swam in not really knowing what was going on for a while longer, but then life started to make a lot more sense
I know my story is slightly different, but believe me, when I did fear that the attacks were coming from him, it felt very real!! What I am trying to say is - do not close the door to considering that what you feel is not coming from the inside, but from the outside! I am not trying to make you feel paranoid, but I my experience, if I e.g. get particular strong, and viscous healing resistance from a client - those energies will try to convince me of just about any other source, but my client. They'll tell me it is because of my diet, a phone call I had earlier, what I saw on TV last night, what I just read on a spiritual blog, a past life etc. It all feels possible, and somehow logic, but falls apart upon closer inspection, applying logic, my past experiences etc. Yes, some traumas cut deep, but it sounds like you have earnestly tried to cleanse out all hurt etc energies, practice forgiveness etc. Our bodies are not that big, to harbor endless amounts of trauma energies (unless we keep topping them up, by believing they are endless)...
I cannot tell you for certain obviously, if your personal healing process (re your father) is finished, but I would recommend to not 'insist' on knowing where your pain comes from. Accordingly pray, and ask for perfect healing of the source, or sources of any pain you get - wherever, whenever, whatever. Leave it up to your helpers to find, see, and heal the source/ sources. Whenever it is possible for them to let you know about some source, I am sure they'll fill you in (sometimes it might takes a while though for them to get that info through to you. Just be patient, and get on with your life,a s best as possible.) And just make sure that, if you have not already - you give the Divine card blanch re the amount, strength, extend, and frequency of help that is necessary, to make your life fulfilled, happy, and effortless.
Hope that helps in some way! Love and Light!
That is interesting, that you say that. I had a narcissistic boyfriend last year, and it took me quite a lot of effort to de-cord, and get rid of all the damage. A good 6 weeks, for a 3 months relationship. One of the things I realized is, that I had been poisoned by his energies to put a limit on divine help. I kept on having these visions of 'limited' divine help, e.g. seeing large negative energy monsters, and small angels - how could they tame, heal or take it into rehab? I only had similar problems in the beginning of my spiritual journey, and then overcame them. Now I had to engage all my learning and mind again - remember that I do not know everything, cannot see everything yet - but I do know that there is enough help, and that ALL negative energies have their effortless, abundant good guys match, to remove them effortlessly. Makes me wonder if that is one of the roots of NPD? They have energies, and are influenced by energies - which tell them that there is not enough for everyone? including divine help?
Regarding de-cording - you might be interested to hear what I found there. I checked and found cords on all chakra levels, not just the solar plexus. Front and back. Sometimes I see side chakras, to the main chakras - and there were cords too. Furthermore where a cord enters our bodies, it can over time grow 'roots', so if we de-cord, those roots have to be healed, so they do not keep festering....
My ex had also given me energetic 'gifts'. At one time when we meditated together, I saw that he actually attempted to give me his soul star, which I returned with thanks though. But there were a few energy bits I found after breaking up, which I then sent back (especially as they were another portal for his thoughts, and energies to connect). (Goes in line with NPD behavior of thinking that whatever they give us, is a major self-less sacrifice, and if we are not their slaves thereafter for eternity, we are evil ungrateful monsters - lol)
Yes, you got it now - you do not have to know. You do not have know everything that happens during a healing, and there is enough help for you too, to achieve perfect healings! You mentioned in your original post that you were desperately seeking therapy. I would just put out there - that every time we receive or give ourselves Reiki - stuff gets healed! Conventional therapy, to my feeling, is comparatively slow. One pretty much looks at one hurtful event at a time, which can take a long time, In contrast with a healing session we expunge hurt from multiple events (and we do not even have to look at them again ) The main bit we have to remember is (unconditional) forgiveness, to let go and trust in the Light. I believe Spirit is practical - we only have to learn that lesson ones - and then send it into all other remaining past hurt events, without having to spend loads of time viewing them one at a time....
Hope your healing journey is downhill from now
Again, not to make you paranoid, but from my past experience with psychopaths and narcissists - only a fraction of their negativity actually sits inside of them. The rest is somewhere in the outside (feeding off the suffering created by the narcissist, psychopath; and backing-up the narcissist/ psychopath energies inside their narcissists/ psychopaths). The actual narcissist or psychopath is rarely clever enough to create all the energetic damage they do - as for much of it they would have to be very competent black magicians, which I doubt most are. What I mean is e.g. if a narcissist tries to offend a person, be hurtful - somehow their offenses (which one might brush off easily from another 'normal' person) are connected to/ charged with so much negative energy, it is virtually impossible to not be offended/ hurt..... As such it can be as well that even if one de-cords - those outside energies will help create new cords (i.e. it is not necessarily your fault, that you are masochistic, inviting it somehow, or else). That is another reason why it can be helpful to pray for the perfect healing of a problem - wherever it's source(s). I.e. in your case, healing narcissist energies inside your father, and or outside your father.... Once I learned about these energy structures, it helped me to become more patient! The nice thing is that once such problems are solved, you can be quite confident that you will have triggered the healing-off of tons of narcissist energies from this planet (and likely help others, connected to the same outside narcissist energies) to free themselves more effortlessly off their perpetrators. I guess that why they sometimes say that Lightworkers are like catalysts!
yes, I have experienced such with different psychopaths or narcissists in the past. And some actually did go off, a bit like a bomb on a specific event trigger, when I did something, they did not want me to do. But nothing that could not be healed again! They can be quite nasty things though! Well done for having found them, it should save you some unexpected nasty surprises in the future!