Ok guys, i have no idea how the scenario had to become like this, but my seemingly continuous problem with the environment seems to never cease.
All i can say is that it is like having a foot in a basket full of leeches and trying to walk and live everyday as if it was normal.
Only that this sick feeling is primarly recepted by the stomach, and it hits like a punch. I haven't gone there for a week now because i had a contest and the teacher made it possible for me to stay home, and now that i know tomorow i'm going to the same place it makes me feel like i'm swallowing something nasty. The general air of the environment packs everything that no one would ever desire: fear, health problems, restlessness, frustration that sometimes transforms into violence between classmates(man, those daily verbal fights!) and what it really is bugging i how everything turned out like this, as i came here an year ago with good thoughts, a very good image, and a lot to do and stil to study!
I really don't want to name all the bad happenings and how mean these people could become (not only towards me, but towards others and teachers too!), and i do not personally have anything with them, but i cannot escape this feeling that i am drained and mye nergy is replaced by somethign really nasty.
I am usually very open, cheerfull, artistic and i love nature and animals, yet from the smallest things in life to any non-verbal means of communication, these things do not exist for them. I feel like a stranger in an oasis of people struggling with illusions and thinking violence is the best means of escaping them. The problem is, once you show them a better path, they react like God knows what you wanted to tell them, as if you wanted their bad! I understand many have family problems here, and money problems, and other and other problems, i don't know what was in my head when i moved here, i know i only have 3 months until i can finally go to college and summer holiday, yet this doesn't truly help me...
But what is the reason, and my real problem?
I felt such a push in this direction that i started studying astrology (western, chinese, vedic), psychic fenomenas & co and came across various articles and also information about empaths (in books & internet). Of course, this is something only i know and that my parents know about vaguely as i won't risk blowing up my cover and efforts into trying to combine these to aspects and balance my life ( I did have feelings like premonitions, i can read people, animals, energies of certain places) but the problem is the energy I'm getting from the environment constantly gets in my way of attaining a correct balance and i cannot even meditate! It is simply very disrupting, and my stomach is the first instance to receive this message, and it affects my energy levels and happiness overall. I try to cope with them, but i will never accept all the bad things directed at me out of envy and absence of understanding, as they are simply not open, well, with th exception of about 4-5 people that i perceive as being more allright but we do not really have anyhing in common... i still have my friends and i can normaly socialise during breaks (god-given giiifts!!) but the problem still is there... I just cannot function at my normal levels, be collected, prepared for college... it's like I AM NOT LET TO! Like i have to fight for it everytime, like it is something wrong and i should become just as agitated and confused because for them this is something more usual than being peaceful and happy. Here peaceful and happy are synonymes to being weak, or stupid. I wish to 'clean' myself, to forgive them and i try to block myself from having bad thoughts about them, but such things aren't even respectd or taken into consideration! I try creating boundaries, but this is something they do not respect either. It's like the law of the jungle here, only that in a jungle it would have been better, energetically talking. I thoughts i could overcome these obstacles, but it proves that it was more than i could handle
And I should have accumulated energy for the time that comes, for moving out of the town, it should have been such a nice year with nice memories and although there are a few in this classroom too, the bad ones totally exceed them. And my stomach continues to feel horrible everytime i think of my classroom.
Now i affected everyone around me, my friends, my family, the first ones being my parents and my brother... i come home and realise i'm so angry i sometimes leash out (or i used to) and afterwards i start feeling so sorry about it... and it is a very abnormal thing about me, i never did somethign like that, and it creates a lot of tension! Not to talk about the tension inside myself... offf. I have no idea what i should do, except strive not to let these things affect e any further, although i should have directed my energy towards completely different things!
updated by @kate: 01/14/17 03:56:33AM