Ok, so firstly, sorry for possible gramatical mistakes, because I'm not english ^_^"
I have a biiig problem that won't subside at all and i have no freakin' idea WHAT is this constant ... feeling I'm getting every time I'm thinking about a certain aspect. I know I had this problem ever since I moved to a new place/classroom (this is my last year of highschool) and, as... not important as it may sound, it is as if somebody is doing harm intentionally T_T in a more psychic sense.
When meditating, there is this feeling as if something is "attached" to my stomach and it is also the first point in my body which absorbs and reacts to the negative stuff there: this is why i have to watch over how much stress there is otherwise digestion problems occur (if combined with other really nasty factors, because my health is usually good). I'm not only staying next to a weird girl who's like switching from "distancing herself" to "vampirising everything" through verbal fights daily and not only.
Before anything, I know I've been prevented about coming to this environment, but i wanted soo much change, i literally felt the need to provoke myself, i was unsatisfied, i don't know from where do these impulses come, now i know i should've channeled them in other areas.
Now I know I've been mistaken to make a move that could potentially affect all my life and college choice, but from the "energetic" point of view, i feel like i am being driven crazy. I have been prevented by this girl before moving "Don't come, they aren't ok at all, they are weird, it isn't as it seems from the outside" and of course, i thought i will handle it. Well, wrong!
Niceness, patience, openess? what are those, they never heard of them. The teachers were behaving pretty bad with them in contrast to how it was in my old class and the kids got envious of a lot of things about me, including my general good image in front of teachers more than anything, so i really felt awakward and tried to diminish this impression: wrong move. I thought that maybe i am the problem, all the time, trying to change myself yet be careful not to sacrifice anything important, and adapt to a situation, but they are simply being outrageously weird. There's also this girl who has a form of ADHD or something, my deskmate who has horrible family problems, used to be a compulsive lier and had megalomania problems although she... well, wasn't smart, good-looking, or nice at all, but a complete profiteer when she was i was not treating her bad like other classmates of her did. She wanted to start verbal fights daily.One moment, she would "humbly" ask me why she can't sleep at night too well and that she had bad dreams, and when she was i was ready to give her a helpful answer and try to open, she would become scared and would push me back through being really mean. Or would simply profit all the way in trying to steal ideas from me, steal drawings, and weird stuff o_o
Then there si this other girl that's very into... boys. She has an overly sensual aura about her and yet she's kind of dark. At first i thought she was ok, the same i thought with my deskmate, but after a while, she started... being weird and stuff, and had fetishes which she openly talked about and... god i don't even want to remember, i'm glad i saw stuff in time.
And of course, there are also the "divas" which unfortunately have to be very... extravagant to catch anyone's attention, and yet, i never truly had problems with them, i mean, they were more sane with their normal girl complexes than others. Then there are also these 2 weird anti-social girls from which one actually told me she saw ghosts and that one day she found her gas ring open although nobody was in her home... and she lives alone as her parents work in a foreign land... and there is this other girl who has weird health problems all the time that start abruptly, she doesnlt come 2 days or so, and then everything is back to 'normal' again. Some have problems at school and small marks... Then there's another one which became very, very strange, has good results at school, but is basically living in another world sometimes and believes in extraterestrians and is very pale and has a pretty rare condition and she is allergic to every anti-biotic and to many medicins available in case anything happens to her, and she's been very strange only in the last year, because this is the girl whose company i enjoyed and that was really allright and which forewarned me (that "This class is werid and i shouldn't move here if I'm not truly sure about it"). Sure, there are a few more allright, but honestly, no matter what i do, i cannot seem to dissipate the weird energies that crawl in this environment.
I've never been like that, but i can honestly tell i am being forced into being aggresive, loud, and mean. To use 0 ways of non-verbal communication or subtle responses as they are negatively recepted or not felt at all. It is, overall, a very bad place for a sensitive person to be in, and I want to realise stuff in mylife, go to college, i have dreams & so on...
Everytime i try to meditate it's like something goes betwen me and the "Ground", i can hardly center, and there is only one source of 'power' i can use to counter everything (it doesn't work that well at all sometimes) without harming others, myself, and so on... and that's rethinking the places i've visited and recepted as having a very soothing energy, a certain church from france i visited and made me feel so understanding, good, open and energised, and this horse riding centre which was absolutely amazing and i attached to the animals there so deeply and there was thsi lady sensible to energies too and she talked ot me about them... ah, and yet, it doesn't work. I'm not experienced with this, but this feeling hasn't dissappeared in 2 years and it's not a good sign as my resources are being drained all the time... yet so little can do so much for me! Doing sports, being out in the nature, in the mountains, swimming... i can clean myself so fast, but honestly, with this class, it's like I'm being forced to shut down my senses and be a sheep in a flock: I'm also pretty artistic, i draw stuff all the time and i love creative outlets as well as acting... (Well, school acting as it was, but i wouldn't choose it for my career )
And normal protection techniques seem not to work anymore. Is there anything i can do? Should I go search for stones such as Tourmaline to help me? i never wanted to take refuge in these methods... because i thought that my lifestyle was enough. But, now that i can't seem to resonate with anyone and feeling engulped by weird energies... i wish i could distance myself from them There are only 4 months left to go in thsi environment after whic hi get away from it, but i don not like to think like that, i wanted to enjoy my time, to be friends with people, but these walls keep appearing and i regret that i listened to others instead of my own voice that always guided me well... until ego kicked in once and i made the move...
I know I wrote these in a pretty tumultuous way, but, pff, I'm not even trying to escape from it other than using these forums and the internet in itself: i don't want to drink, i don't want to smoke, i don't want t use others to "replenish" myself, including members of the opposite gender. There are things i have to do by myself, and i feel compelled to do many things or pursue a lot of topics of interest about the world, animals, or astrology & co, and i do think there is a good thing in the fact that i moved... but I'm confused in how to handle it..
updated by @kate: 01/16/17 03:24:26PM