Stuck between 2 worlds

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Lavinia
@lavinia
6 years ago
212 posts

Over the past 2 years I've been going through many changes inside and out, with a speed up in the last year. It's been so crazy, so overwhelming. All the Ascension symptoms ( if that's what it is) plus a few more. Since finding this site a little over half a year ago, I've been cleaning a lot inside. Learning to know which are my feeling and which are from others, letting go, loving myself the way I'm supposed to, taking better care of my feelings and knowing when to say "no". It's been great on one hand, I don't feel like a victim of life anymore, I feel empowered and I've grown a lot.

On the OTHER hand...my world has been falling apart, to put it bluntly. I've pushed people away out of my life, some have left on their own, I have less and less tolerance to some things, I say no a lot more often now...And it's all very fast and confusing. I've heard that it's all part of the change, out with the old, in with the new type of thing but...I'm scared and confused. I have almost no friends left now; i know now looking back that they were toxic to me...but they also had good parts and i think in their own way they cared about me...I'm questioning a lot if i did the right thing. If maybe I rushed and maybe I was too demanding...Maybe all relationships are supposed to be like that...I dont know.

What I do know is I was unhappy and wanted more then they were willing to give. So I left or made them leave. But what if it's me? What if i'm just asking for the impossible? And this goes for everything else, not just friends I've lost.

I know exactly what it is I'm looking for in life, in people. And I've cleaned most of the areas that weren't that. But what if what I need does not exist in human form and in life? Is my life always gonna be like this?

It's true that I've also met some new people that seem to be more in tune to me....but I just dont know anymore.

Everything is falling apart right now, I have a lot of anger and disappointment inside that I'm trying to push out' i'm scared and confused and questioning everything I did, everything I became, or who I turned into, I dont feel good enough anymore. I say no more than I did before and the guilt and feeling of becoming useless voluntarily is overwhelming. I have taken charge of my life, but it feels I'm not helping others as much because of that. If I feel they wanna take advantage or use me, I dont even try anymore.

Sorry for the long rant, but I needed to get it of my chest in a place where people understand ( hopefully).

Has anyone else gone through that? Any insight will be greatly appreciated.

Much love!

Lavinia


updated by @lavinia: 05/09/17 12:31:29AM
Lavinia
@lavinia
6 years ago
212 posts

Thank you Lisa! Truth is I've met many wonderful people here, virtually true, but I know I can count of them to listen when i need it or land a shoulder, which is a lot more than I can say for the people I've left behind in my real life. Which makes it all...kinda strange if i think about it. But I love that I have the virtual friends i have met here.

Thanks for being here Lisa! It really means a lot!

LOVE and big hug! <3

Lavinia
@lavinia
6 years ago
212 posts
I'd love that Russell! Thank you! :)
Lavinia
@lavinia
6 years ago
212 posts

I had mine done.I'll check it out.

Thanks Brianna! :)

Lavinia
@lavinia
6 years ago
212 posts

Thank you Cautious Tosay for all the advice!

The friends I've lost, pushed away were only asking and rarely giving. This is how it was in the last year anyway. Or many it was always like this but i didnt see it as well. That's why i ended up pushing them away. This was of course after trying to balance things out with them,. After telling them that i need my own time sometimes and i can't always be there..i need my own space fro time to time. But they didnt understand. And the thing that got me the most was that when things was trully bad for them i was always there, even if i needed time for me. But when they just wanted to complain about little things, like they did every single day i dindt always respond because i needed time for me too and i felt it was more important to be there when it was truly bad. It's a long story and i dont want to "bore" you with it. I wrote a post on my blog about one of my friends. You might get a better idea, if you're interested in reading it.http://empathcommunity.eliselebeau.com/profiles/blogs/i-just-got-dumped

I did meet new people and i guess that's not really a problem. I have places where i can do that. But i guess the fear that it will be the same is holding me back a bit right now.

I have one good friend that i've known for about 17 years and she's great. She's not like the others, a taker. She's also a giver, part emapth i think and we have a great bond. So I'm not completly alone yet..but maybe scared that i will be.

Thanks again for the great advice..i know not all people are like that and that i quality is more important than quantity.

I'll keep on! I'm a fighter :P "When you're going through hell, keep moving" right ?:P

Blessings!

Lavinia

Lavinia
@lavinia
6 years ago
212 posts

One of my karmic lessons is relationships :D So yeah...I knew this before and I'm not surprised things are so difficult in that department.

I just gotta find out how to manage it and if and when it's ok to say stop. That's my issue now, what if i pushed them away too soon? What if it could have worked out? What if didnt try hard enough? I do have a tendency to quit first, but then at the same time, every time i didnt even when i thought it wouldnt work out, it still didnt work out in the end. My intuition is right on all the time but sometimes my ambition to get it right no matter what is bigger.

Lavinia
@lavinia
6 years ago
212 posts

Thank God for...God :P He's always right and always there. I think he's been the only one always there and everything he "said" or "did" was right on.

If it wasn;t for my faith, i dont know where i would be right now,

Thank you Kristi!

Blessings! <3

Lavinia
@lavinia
6 years ago
212 posts

"Over the past year the more I have struggled to remain the same the more I have realized I have changed."

This is so true for me as well. The more i hang on to my older me and my old way of doing things the more i realize they aren't there anymore. And on one hand it's great cause i feel a lot better about myself, i've grown, etc, and on the other hand....i don't always like what it's doing to the world around me.

I'm glad you wrote about you and your experiences because it helped you and that's great! And it helps me by seeing what others are going through, seeing i'm not alone in this and i can find myslef in many of the things you said.

I have patters too. Sometimes i push people away, sometimes i can't see to let them go. Of course it's always justified, there's reason for everything we do. But we have emotions, we have the souls telling us what's right and we have our brain telling us as well. Sometimes it's hard to decipher which is which ( it's gotten easier in the last year or so) and to tell when the brain is right on a matter. Or just getting in the way and acting out of fear.

I suppose judging by what i feel inside, I think i did the right thing by ending some of my relationships. I feel better. And the loneliness i feel sometimes, is mainly "brain" issue and things from the past, the ghost of the old me. I think it through sometimes and i know that even if they were around it wouldnt make a difference in the situation i need them. I hope that makes sense...

Thank you for your post and i'm glad it made you feel better. It has given me hope and a better understanding of my situation as well!

Love and blessings!

Lavinia
@lavinia
6 years ago
212 posts

"Use" as in ask for and take what they need from me and when they are happy with what they had, they just walk away; it's like i dont even exist to them as a person anymore. Just as some"thing" they can "use" and then put back in the box. More times that i care to remember i have felt like a tissue . It sounds horrible to me, but it's how i felt. Having "friends" how called and saw me to dump their problems on me, all the times, regardless of what i was going through, not caring what i was doing at that time or even bother asking; and if if that didnt bother me as much what did and what made me feel like a human tissue was how they turned their back on me when i needed them. How when i called or tried telling them something about soe problem i had they would listen for the first 2 minutes and them turn the conversation around to them and talk for hours about them and in most cases it wasn't even as important. Like one time i called a "friend" to tell her about a problem i had with another "friend" who was making me feel used, she listens for 1 minute and then wanted to tell me for 15 minutes how her mother got some stupid phone that was charing way too much for calls. And this is just one example. There were many.

I tried telling them many times; i tried it in many way , i tried telling them in ways so they wouldn't feel "attacked", but nothing ever worked. I told one friend how another friend was doing the exact things she was doing and that it bothered me, without mentioning to her that she was doing it as well, not bluntly anyway, and she agreed with me on how horrible it was but didnt see that she was doing it as well. And then when i told her that she's doing it too she just went mad. And told me it's absurd to even be bothered by it.

I didnt quit at the first problem; sometimes i think i should have. I stuck around for more then one year and tried and tried. But it just got worse. It was like the more i told them i need space and i need them there too when i have a problem, the more they ignored it. At one point i even told them both what the other was doing, which was the same for both of them, just to see how they felt about it, and they both thought it was not normal. I tried consulting with other people to see if maybe i'm having abnormal wishes and that maybe i'm overreacting. But several people agreed with me.

Sorry for the long post, but i felt i needed to explain that i did try very hard to make things work. I didnt just quit at the first problem.

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