Hi, this is my first post here.
I was in a short relationship with one woman 6 months ago. I am still very much in agony and confusion. I can not decide if
it was me who was abusive or her. I know I said some things I regret now because they were hurtful. I have no idea if I was projecting my own issues on her of if I had good reason to be worried. And this drives me crazy. Sometimes I feel that I am a narcissist. Sometimes I think she is the narcissist. The worst part is that I do not know what is what. It would be a relief to know if I was the abuser. Or if I will know that she is. All I want is truth, but I just can not find it. I feel drained, neglected, misunderstood, invisible, used and unimportant. I have been talking about this with my therapist. Actually, with two different therapists. One of them told me she is like a book-case example of narcissism. The therapist I am working with said to me that she might be sociopath. What I am just trying to paint her black? And this is the reason why I am writing about this here. Because I believe that if I am really lying to myself and others, you, as intuitive people, can easily spot that. Please understand that this is just my perspective. And I want you to be honest with me. I want to know how you see my situation.
So, we met online. At first she was pursuing me heavily. I started really liking her very fast and I told her that. We talked in whatsapp for 2 months before I went to visit her country. She was very open with me. She told me she is afraid I will disappear. In our second date she told me I am "perfect". This is nonsense. She did not know me, and nobody is perfect. At this moment I took this as a compliment. I spent there two weeks. Everything was okay, altough I was not sure if she the right one for me. I was listening her concerns, but did not reveal too much about myself. I open up slowly. Actually I was a bit bored at times, and did some fault finding. I am not talking about extreme devaluation or anything like that, but I was thinking that maybe there is somebody more compatible for me. Still, I liked her. I knew that she was still in the dating site where we met, because she told me that she keeps reading messages she get. I did not think it is a big deal, we were just beginning our relationship. I already noticed that she was cold and negative person. She had no real friends. The ones she had she did not really like or enjoyed their company. It was strange that she was working as a nurse in hospital that treats children. It looked like she does not really like people.
The problems started when I returned to my country. I had a feeling that she is distancing herself from me. I can not explain, something was just off. We did not talk like before, she became more busy in her work. I comforted her about her behavior. I did it in a dramatic and blaming way, I have to admit that. I simply started panicking, because I have seen this push-pull pattern before in my life. The whole marriage of my parents were like that. Maybe it was all my projection? Maybe not? At first she told me she is sorry. She said she has been busy at work and feeling blue lately. She mentioned about her "crazy stuff". She asked me if we can talk about this later in skype. When we talked, she was like different woman. She was annoyed. I do not even remember the full details of our conversation. She made it very clear that I should have not bring this topic up because I do not know what is going on. After our conversation I was confused. Why it was me who was apologizing? Why did I feel incredible sad, angry and manipulated?
In the next day we talked again. I told her that I want to take distance. I thought it will make her happy, because for me it looked like she wants to pull away. Now she was crying. I did not understand what is going on. I tried to talk about my concerns. She told me I am complaining and negative. It looked like how I feel does not matter at all. My concerns are completely unimportant. Even talking about them was like forbidden. She did not really take any responsibility of her behavior. Everything was my fault. I believed it. I sent her an email where I said that I was probably afraid of nothing. I also told her that I love her. Everything was okay, for now. We were planning my return to her country. A week after those fights she just announced me that she will have to work double shift all that time when I was supposed to come to visit her. I told her that I am not coming, I go somewhere else. I did not believe her. I told her that I can maybe come to visit her when she is less busy. She blaming me for wanting to go somewhere warm only (she knew I do not like winter). She played the victim by saying that she was silly because she thought I want to see her. Now I got angry because I found this very manipulative. I called her out, but she said she is just saying how she feels. In the next day I tried to propose a compromise. I was asking her if she can talk with her boss. I was ready to delay my trip for 1,5 months and come to see her later when she is less busy. All I got was an angry response: "Do you think I did not already try that? I was silly because I thought you want to see me".
I broke up with her very soon after that. She did not really mind. She did not know any signs that our relationship ment anything to her.
I have made a list of some things she said/ I found about her. The first is the most disturbing to me:
- Messenger name: sadistic.innocense (she actually changed that soon after our breakup)
- In our second date she told me I am "perfect".
- She was very obsessive about her weight
- She told me almost instantly that she is afraid that I will disappear
- She asked me if I can handle her "mood swings"
- She told me she is spoiled, negative and complaining and unforgiving
- When she told about her ex, she never took any responsibility of her part in their breakup
- She said that she has been thinking about getting pregnant without telling the guy anything (Yeah, and she said I am a person who only cares about himself )
- She was thinking about getting silicon breasts
- She told me she would like to put needles in my arms (she is a nurse, and I have very visible veins in my arms)
- She told she has some "crazy stuff"
- She told that men run away from her
What does your intuition says? Am I painting her black or did I have good reason to be conserned?
updated by @manwhoislost: 07/02/18 12:29:59PM