Fact is, there is nothing wrong with me.
Every relationship I have had in the past has always been about trying help someone heal. Once I realized this it became clear that the I was the reason these relationships failed.
I had no real romantic interest in the people I have dated. I was just confused on the roles I wanted to play in their lives.
The people I would always connect with were only used to people who had romantic interest in them showing any real desire to be around them. Which is what drew them to me.
I come from a background where the idea of what love is and means was severely distorted. Any show of affection toward anyone outside of family was seen as having a sexual nature. Before I was taught what loving actually was, I thought this perception to be true. So that is what drew me to these people.
Thinking this way facilitated my isolation from the world. These relationships that I didn't know, where not what I wanted made me feel like I had bad luck with people.
It was also keeping me from figuring out what I truly wanted from life and the people in it.
Situations in my life like bad interpersonal skills forced me to begin working on the boundaries I set with people. Setting those boundaries had the strangest effect on my life and the way I perceive myself.
In order to successfully set boundaries one has to know exactly what it is they wish to achieve. So in order to figure out what my boundaries where I had to figure out who I was. What could i realistically handle? What did I want to put up with and how much of it?
This lead to other questions like what kind of people did i want to be around? What kind of environment did i want to work in? How much of myself did i actually want to give to the world versus what i thought i should give? And how do i communicate this to others successfully? How would i respond when they did not meet my needs?
There were many other questions that came up especially concerning romantic matters.
When it was all said and done i realized i didn't want a romantic relationship. Some people do and therefore date until they find their match. I never really dated to find a match only to have fun. At time due to concerns I would end up in relationships. Ones that never worked because as I said it was for the wrong reasons.
I had to be brave for myself and learn to say no and walk away.
I now realize that when I was dating I was really looking for lasting friendships not intimate relationships. However because of the earlier stated view on affection, I did not know that was what I wanted.
I still have and will probably always have some soul searching to do. However in the mean time I am much happier. Connecting with people is much easier and more pleasant. While I notice those who need healing I am much less inclined to feel as though it is my responsibility. I do try and help if I can but I do not sacrifice myself anymore.
Life is strange and that's how I got here.
I cannot jump into relationships "just like that" at all for the other must first be able to deal with my intensity and ability to sense his general thoughts and intentions... and tendency to try to change others for the "better" and dealing with challenging situations all the time, more or less. Heavy life lessons. Ability to see beyond random veils and control themselves/himself. And you don't find these people anywhere, but otherwise I am afraid to jump even into random friendships with people because I am aware of my own influence and intensity at times, and not everyone can handle such things.
Sometimes I literally "burn" with my words or gaze if I identify something wrong or become inquisitive if something is hidden and low-key will keep "knock" at the locked door until it opens. I've never had a real relationship in the sense of "been with this person for an year and had sexual contact", because from my previous experiences I reached the conclusion that I should first get to know myself and be able to hold myself back or positively channel and learn to deal with the tendencies or affinities I was born with. I've had people obsessed about my person for years even though I never started a relationship with them or went past the friendship point.
Some even saw me as some kind of "spiritual teacher" and jokingly called me master which freaked me out of course ) because I used to dislike assuming responsibilities. We can say I was taking everything too seriously, still am possibly, just learned to become a bit more chill and less of a control freak.
And remaining grounded... that was hard and now I'm struggling again. I'm with one foot in this world and with the other... in another. Well at least that's how a lady described it. Wished I could disagree but it was true. Without harsh life experiences I would still be floating, although I used to blame family and/or the direction society is heading towards. "Blaming" because they knew I have some sensibilities (sensing emotions and environment, animals, sometimes even things to come but... don't take it in an "apocalyptic" way, they were or are there because they were related to me, less to others)... so they saw that and tried being overprotective.
I believe we do require essentially complex partners who understand the struggle of trying to remain true to yourself and have a correct judgement, in challenging situations, and also... with understanding towards spiritual matters. But I also think it's more simple to be closer to your human(e) side and natural instincts rather than torn apart by others, constantly in conflicts, leading people to disaster, ill-advising, and so on. Absolutely. We like being simple and returning to our roots, and nothing better for that than nature, old traditions and warm personal relationships based on trust AND acknowledgment about the mysterious nature of this world and effects of our actions and thoughts on everything that surrounds us.
updated by @kate: 04/15/18 02:38:57AM
However, when I am stressed or anxious I don't see or feel as much. Then I have to release the energy that is blocking. As we know, it's a lot of grounding work. It catches up so fast!
My work with her often reminds me of many Tao sayings. The name that can be called is not the true name or the truth that can be understood is not the true truth...or something like that.
From her I have realized that just because she does not view the world the same way I do does not make her any less apart of the world.
I have come to realize that every question I ask is answered. I only have to pay attention and be present in the world around me.
Often times when I talk to my doctor she'll bring up things that have been on my mind, and almost fill in the blanks. She's not the only one. Sometimes I'll see a billboard, or a coworker will make a comment, or I'll overhear a conversation in passing that is directly related to what I need at the moment.
The two, the way, God, the gods, the universe however you want to call is everywhere and in everything and everyone. It does not matter the path we only that take it and trust and have faith.
It's when we try to control things that we lose way and our faith.