Understanding Empaths and complex relationships

spiritualskies
@spiritualskies
3 months ago
163 posts

I've been doing some thinking as always (eye roll), but I I'd like to ask, being in a relationship with someone whether we ourselves are complex ones to deal with or our partners, have we ever tried to 'change' one another for the greater good? What methods? What outcomes? 

So I read up on a book I heard of many moons ago, whatever the message of the book; is this where we go wrong? Taking advice from people who are inexperienced in the vastness of complexities that aren't usually addressed? When people talk, especially when they've specialised in a field, they talk to the majority, not the minority, it might work for some as every individual is unique so is every relationship.

It's impossible to incorporate everything in a specialised field to reach out to meet everyones individual growth be it in themselves or relationships.

Empaths have a unique gift, they are able to understand themselves better than others, and equally understand others sometimes better than themselves.

Once we can come.out of the self healing phase when situations don't go the way we Antipated, we can reflect, how did it go wrong for them? And how did it go wrong for me? What did we over look? Or what did we underestimate? Did we not think from a broader perspective? Did we not use our rational and logical to perfective how it might make us or them feel? The art of empathy. Just because it's failed in some ways does that mean we can't use alternate approaches like reverse psychology?

What I'm getting at is, when we're with someone whom we want it to work with, taking account of our own flaws and mishaps, it's impossible to get the somewhat narcissit partner to co-operate, whether sympathetically, by understanding, moral ethics and cultural/religious/personal dynamics or empathically i.e.e the gift of intuition.

I have a case involving a couple individual people I know, (I'm not in profession, I contemplate on everything, everyone I'm connected to, to open up my own narrow minded thinking).. anyway, I acknowledge I ramble and some take offense, it's like I try to learn from my mistakes and try to get better at them, so I intended not to suggest anything where it's not wanted/needed..

What are people takes on what they've learn from theirs relationships either successful or failed?


updated by @spiritualskies: 04/13/18 08:39:05AM
crystalsage
crystalsage
@crystalsage
3 months ago
143 posts
For myself I have learned through my failures that I am not interested in a relationship. Whenever I say this to people they immediately go to the "what's wrong" route. For a while I did think something was wrong.

Fact is, there is nothing wrong with me.

Every relationship I have had in the past has always been about trying help someone heal. Once I realized this it became clear that the I was the reason these relationships failed.

I had no real romantic interest in the people I have dated. I was just confused on the roles I wanted to play in their lives.

The people I would always connect with were only used to people who had romantic interest in them showing any real desire to be around them. Which is what drew them to me.

I come from a background where the idea of what love is and means was severely distorted. Any show of affection toward anyone outside of family was seen as having a sexual nature. Before I was taught what loving actually was, I thought this perception to be true. So that is what drew me to these people.

Thinking this way facilitated my isolation from the world. These relationships that I didn't know, where not what I wanted made me feel like I had bad luck with people.
It was also keeping me from figuring out what I truly wanted from life and the people in it.

Situations in my life like bad interpersonal skills forced me to begin working on the boundaries I set with people. Setting those boundaries had the strangest effect on my life and the way I perceive myself.

In order to successfully set boundaries one has to know exactly what it is they wish to achieve. So in order to figure out what my boundaries where I had to figure out who I was. What could i realistically handle? What did I want to put up with and how much of it?

This lead to other questions like what kind of people did i want to be around? What kind of environment did i want to work in? How much of myself did i actually want to give to the world versus what i thought i should give? And how do i communicate this to others successfully? How would i respond when they did not meet my needs?

There were many other questions that came up especially concerning romantic matters.

When it was all said and done i realized i didn't want a romantic relationship. Some people do and therefore date until they find their match. I never really dated to find a match only to have fun. At time due to concerns I would end up in relationships. Ones that never worked because as I said it was for the wrong reasons.

I had to be brave for myself and learn to say no and walk away.

I now realize that when I was dating I was really looking for lasting friendships not intimate relationships. However because of the earlier stated view on affection, I did not know that was what I wanted.

I still have and will probably always have some soul searching to do. However in the mean time I am much happier. Connecting with people is much easier and more pleasant. While I notice those who need healing I am much less inclined to feel as though it is my responsibility. I do try and help if I can but I do not sacrifice myself anymore.

Life is strange and that's how I got here.
Kate T
Kate T
@kate
3 months ago
140 posts

I cannot jump into relationships "just like that" at all for the other must first be able to deal with my intensity and ability to sense his general thoughts and intentions... and tendency to try to change others for the "better" and dealing with challenging situations all the time, more or less. Heavy life lessons. Ability to see beyond random veils and control themselves/himself. And you don't find these people anywhere, but otherwise I am afraid to jump even into random friendships with people because I am aware of my own influence and intensity at times, and not everyone can handle such things.

Sometimes I literally "burn" with my words or gaze if I identify something wrong or become inquisitive if something is hidden and low-key will keep "knock" at the locked door until it opens. I've never had a real relationship in the sense of "been with this person for an year and had sexual contact", because from my previous experiences I reached the conclusion that I should first get to know myself and be able to hold myself back or positively channel and learn to deal with the tendencies or affinities I was born with. I've had people obsessed about my person for years even though I never started a relationship with them or went past the friendship point.

Some even saw me as some kind of "spiritual teacher" and jokingly called me master which freaked me out of course :)) because I used to dislike assuming responsibilities. We can say I was taking everything too seriously, still am possibly, just learned to become a bit more chill and less of a control freak.

And remaining grounded... that was hard and now I'm struggling again. I'm with one foot in this world and with the other... in another. Well at least that's how a lady described it. Wished I could disagree but it was true. Without harsh life experiences I would still be floating, although I used to blame family and/or the direction society is heading towards. "Blaming" because they knew I have some sensibilities (sensing emotions and environment, animals, sometimes even things to come but... don't take it in an "apocalyptic" way, they were or are there because they were related to me, less to others)... so they saw that and tried being overprotective.

I believe we do require essentially complex partners who understand the struggle of trying to remain true to yourself and have a correct judgement, in challenging situations, and also... with understanding towards spiritual matters. But I also think it's more simple to be closer to your human(e) side and natural instincts rather than torn apart by others, constantly in conflicts, leading people to disaster, ill-advising, and so on. Absolutely. We like being simple and returning to our roots, and nothing better for that than nature, old traditions and warm personal relationships based on trust AND acknowledgment about the mysterious nature of this world and effects of our actions and thoughts on everything that surrounds us.


updated by @kate: 04/15/18 02:38:57AM
spiritualskies
@spiritualskies
3 months ago
163 posts
Appreciate Ur thoughts on the subject
TigerLily
TigerLily
@tigerlily
3 months ago
379 posts
I have learned to trust my instinct. When I meet someone, just looking in their eyes and how my body reacts tells me. The more I listen to logic than feeling, the more I suffer and get burned. It really is hard when society thinks I'm placing judgement, they don't understand.

However, when I am stressed or anxious I don't see or feel as much. Then I have to release the energy that is blocking. As we know, it's a lot of grounding work. It catches up so fast!
crystalsage
crystalsage
@crystalsage
3 months ago
143 posts
@tigerlily I have had the same experience with people thinking I'm judgemental or crazy. However i have found that in time they start to see what I saw. When i stand my ground on the issue i get more trust and respect in the end.

And yes the grounding never ends for me either lol.
spiritualskies
@spiritualskies
3 months ago
163 posts
Grounding is a pain in the ass, I've been hit with empath overload that my mind felt like my body is about to go into breakdown, I contemplated on whether I should raise the falg with my care coordinator and hand myself in to be taken care of away from everything and everyone, then I had to contemplate how that would affect me, my care, they're understanding and perception, they're treatment methods, and then the overload of more empath intake amd unnecessary stress from health authorities that have no insight into empathy and how people are affected by it.. from a temporary resting place, woukd this be worth it, f* no..

This is None of which I'm willing to handle or submit to. So I did the one thing I'm good at, sleep lol.. and just shut off away from anything that might trigger me to go into empath burnout and that meant avoiding people that I don't really want to, but at the same time not knowing where I stand with them or what's going on in they're life..

How does this tie into my original post? Observing what goes on in an empath-empath relationship, communication, truth, clarity, not being afraid to ask, 'whats really going on', if the balance is not there, and there's nothing new to add, they fizzle out. Then we consider boundaries, how much respect of these is too much respect of them? How much compromise is worth the effort on something that may never last? List goes on...

But we can certainly take and learn from others to benefit us and how cope and manage..
crystalsage
crystalsage
@crystalsage
3 months ago
143 posts
I've done the whole doctor thing. It actually worked for me. I had to take the time to find a doctor I was comfortable with. Although she does not talk about empathy and I actually doubt that she understands it she has been amazing.

My work with her often reminds me of many Tao sayings. The name that can be called is not the true name or the truth that can be understood is not the true truth...or something like that.

From her I have realized that just because she does not view the world the same way I do does not make her any less apart of the world.

I have come to realize that every question I ask is answered. I only have to pay attention and be present in the world around me.

Often times when I talk to my doctor she'll bring up things that have been on my mind, and almost fill in the blanks. She's not the only one. Sometimes I'll see a billboard, or a coworker will make a comment, or I'll overhear a conversation in passing that is directly related to what I need at the moment.

The two, the way, God, the gods, the universe however you want to call is everywhere and in everything and everyone. It does not matter the path we only that take it and trust and have faith.

It's when we try to control things that we lose way and our faith.
spiritualskies
@spiritualskies
3 months ago
163 posts

@crystalsage I agree,

its like this morning, peoples energies travel to my home, if I'm not directly connected to them or not absorbing anything directly from people. I felt ambiance of peace, harmony and love coming from afar, may god bless them and increase them in it evermore.

its been resonating to me through out the day, one great importance I was able to sense was whatever approach was made, worked for one or both, I actually saw 1 atom circumbulate, may god give it strength to give strength to ignite the others to move towards his pleasure and satisfaction (ia). that means to me that there is a saying in religion that god does not change a condition of a person until they change what is in themselves. so now this has been established perhaps over the yrs more good is to come :)

these are couples that I work with, it takes time and patience, balance of meeting and understanding individual needs too. one thing as an empath, I can sniff out an ego boost, attention seeking, sympathy seeking etc when it comes to my own relationship, if I continue I know somewhere it will come off balance and then it becomes more about one person than the other, if I ever sense that I tame it right away, by not giving in anymore to the ego boost, love and all the trials is takes to keep it going is like medication, you have to know what doses to give it in, its not a singular medication its a concoction, you have to have the right balance in everything to make it last and work, if it doesn't, for those who are sincere and self-reflective those failures will remind them not to repeat in the next relationship, and they will take what they should have been doing then and apply it when necessary to make it work.

good day to you x

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