I don't believe or don't want to believe in predestination as in your future is set in stone, yet at one point I felt that choosing to remain in a certain place would have led to that, and me missing something big. It was a big pressure that i tried to lift by moving somewhere else. Couldn't have done much else. What followed was a horrible experience and i kept asking myself what else I was supposed to do, and for 2 years I kept wishing to reverse or freeze time. It wasn't about a significant someone, but related to studies/future work. By all standards, it was bad, and I felt horrible, as it coincided with a period when I felt like reading, studying and trying to understand the world around me and the philosophy behind esoteric practices, religions etc. Was a time when I felt like being with myself but I felt misunderstood because of that, and I was. I felt like I lost a part of myself as well, and I had some very cryptic dreams.
Right now though I think it challenged me to rethink some things and led to me not regretting anything else ever again, or be in a state of undecidedness. I value straightforwardness much more, although I still don't understand right now why it had to be that bad... at least I had family close and some friends. I kind of still remained with pity for myself in the sense that, it could've been much better, why was i thrown in that social mess? How can our minds become so diffuse, distracted, how can it be so hard to remain grounded and clear your mind? Why are people so weak? But it's like I attracted and collected all the negative situations around me, and felt compelled to solve them, even when they weren't mine, so to say. Was incredible how out of the place i felt at times, but also how fast thought/intention would manifest.
So I re-learned the role of boundaries the rather painful way. And I finally "sorted" myself out 3 years later, after meeting someone who i believe helped me a lot without realising, simply through his way of being. Was what i thought to be "a correct way". "Finally someone not afraid to be themselves, and who need to be who they are".
So then no more lies, to others and yourself. Do what you have to do. I left what was hurting me definitively... basically I left my country for the time being. "Studies" I believe they call them in a generic way. I feel fine right now though, and better in the long run. So it did not lead to something bad, but I had to pull myself together, and clean what had been shoved "under the rug", which happens even to the most careful... sometimes you simply don't realise. Maybe it's better, maybe it's worse... at one point though you have to face them. When you realise the futility of many social constructs in a modern society, the illusions some chase, misplaced faiths, and that you have to use what you were given.
updated by @kate: 03/01/18 05:50:15PM