I was thinking long before writing this, because I really don't like to burden people much with what troubles me, to complain and so on, because I experience that on my own hide a lot too and know how it can feel tiresome sometimes. Still I decided that I need some advice or support from here, because I feel all alone in this situation.
What troubles me again are bursts of negativity, anger and sadness again. I try to keep them all inside and not burden anyone and release only positive thinking, but its so extremely hard after December...I just want to run from everyone and hide.
I did meditation and cord cutting ritual again, but they don't help me for long. Maximum for one day. Furthermore I'm mostly sitting at home and hiding from everyone now so other people don't affect me much.
I don't know why am I like this, but I just feel hatred inside of me, how it eats me and I cant get rid of it again. I try to be good to my parents, friends, but I just cant...I feel constantly that I run on minimum energy, constantly tired. Sometimes I feel I hate myself because of that, but feel no power to struggle against it, while in my mind I see how I am slowly turning into some kind of monster, which just tortures me more.
I constantly push everyone I know well away in aggressive and straight manner. Inside I know its wrong, inside I know that people are just afraid about what is happening to me, but still something inside of me is stronger than these thoughts, which makes me hurt people around me and seem like I don't care them at all. In reality I constantly think about how they are doing, asking myself these questions, but I just cant pick up the phone and ask them, because I am afraid to start conversation with them afterwards. I wonder how they are, but just don't want to talk with them. Just to know that everyone is alright and stop thinking about that.
It is especially hard with my parents. Though I made them accept, that I don't want to spend long time with anyone, but they constantly show me their care and fear about my condition, exactly what I feel I need less now. It really drains me and annoys me, makes me angry. I tried to explain, but they think that their way of showing care and making me be with people is what will help me, though it just makes me more annoyed with each time and less patient. Sometimes I feel like I want them all to disappear, everyone to disappear. My mother is constantly panicking, like I will disappear from her life forever...My father like always just says "go and find that door out already from your condition". But I don't know where door is...Living and working right now is already very hard for me.
I constantly want to write my EX something very rude and open up the pain she caused me, that I hold inside. Every time I pick up phone, but after opening her contact -put it back away. All this pain and mistreatment I gathered during all this time just wants out and I feel like it will be longest and most dirty and terrible text ever written to anyone. I'm stopping myself now, because once again I feel it is wrong, because after all I am a man, and because of thoughts that it wont change anything, because of her NPD. But the urge to write is so strong...Urge to release all what I have inside...Sometimes I fear I wont be able to stop myself and just write something nasty to her. I am really pissed off and angry at her, not because we separated, but because the way it happened. While I understand her actions and reasons -this all still eats me from inside...
I constantly search new people to talk to, but feel inside like I am forever a "white crow" among black ones. Over time in few days I feel, that I lose my interest in that or this person and seek new people again. This makes me feel, that I am unreliable and not trustworthy, because I leave people this easily. I don't push them away, but stop showing much interest in conversations we have. I asked myself if I am only after attention? I do like attention, yes, but usually receive it by making people laugh at silly things I do, not that I am trying to get it by complaining (which I try always to hold inside) or manipulating it out of people.
And the last one...The most major energy sucker I have. I again got this "chronic sadness". I'm constantly sad and nothing I do just makes this sadness to go away. I'm sad about everything. About people around, about things in the world, about myself, about my life, about life of others, about everything. While I try to always be happy around others and in conversations -inside I am very sad and in despair. Yet I don't want to open up...Don't want to burden anyone, especially people, that actually ask "What is wrong with you?".
I don't feel like I have a depression...Or maybe I just don't understand what depression is.
Here on forum...I start to read something, but then feel like I just don't have strength to read it till the end. I see people that need help here, inside my mind I'm already rising my hands to write, but then again I stop, because I feel like I just cant take it and it will drain last energy out of me.
I feel like I want to find some shiny orb of energy somewhere and just absorb it, to have energy like in beginning of the last year, except there is no orb like that. I don't know what to do and what is wrong with me again...And now I want to delete everything I wrote, but I think I will post it and go against myself...I usually don't expect anyone to understand what is inside of me, still maybe here people will point out not at how I am whining and weak, but actually at something that can resolve this issue, to give some advice once again or point at something I cant see in myself.
I'm writing this, because I feel I cant go like this anymore. This all just eats me from inside and kills me. I fear I am emotionally dying from inside. I cant resolve this on my own. Most likely I wont reply even on this post unless more information is needed...Just will read what you will say.
And I'm sorry for bringing this negativity and troubles here...Hope it wont make anyone too tired.
updated by @curious-child: 01/07/18 05:10:40PM