What is wrong with me?

I was thinking long before writing this, because I really don't like to burden people much with what troubles me, to complain and so on, because I experience that on my own hide a lot too and know how it can feel tiresome sometimes. Still I decided that I need some advice or support from here, because I feel all alone in this situation.

What troubles me again are bursts of negativity, anger and sadness again. I try to keep them all inside and not burden anyone and release only positive thinking, but its so extremely hard after December...I just want to run from everyone and hide.

I did meditation and cord cutting ritual again, but they don't help me for long. Maximum for one day. Furthermore I'm mostly sitting at home and hiding from everyone now so other people don't affect me much.

I don't know why am I like this, but I just feel hatred inside of me, how it eats me and I cant get rid of it again. I try to be good to my parents, friends, but I just cant...I feel constantly that I run on minimum energy, constantly tired. Sometimes I feel I hate myself because of that, but feel no power to struggle against it, while in my mind I see how I am slowly turning into some kind of monster, which just tortures me more.

I constantly push everyone I know well away in aggressive and straight manner. Inside I know its wrong, inside I know that people are just afraid about what is happening to me, but still something inside of me is stronger than these thoughts, which makes me hurt people around me and seem like I don't care them at all. In reality I constantly think about how they are doing, asking myself these questions, but I just cant pick up the phone and ask them, because I am afraid to start conversation with them afterwards. I wonder how they are, but just don't want to talk with them. Just to know that everyone is alright and stop thinking about that.

It is especially hard with my parents. Though I made them accept, that I don't want to spend long time with anyone, but they constantly show me their care and fear about my condition, exactly what I feel I need less now. It really drains me and annoys me, makes me angry. I tried to explain, but they think that their way of showing care and making me be with people is what will help me, though it just makes me more annoyed with each time and less patient. Sometimes I feel like I want them all to disappear, everyone to disappear. My mother is constantly panicking, like I will disappear from her life forever...My father like always just says "go and find that door out already from your condition". But I don't know where door is...Living and working right now is already very hard for me.

I constantly want to write my EX something very rude and open up the pain she caused me, that I hold inside. Every time I pick up phone, but after opening her contact -put it back away. All this pain and mistreatment I gathered during all this time just wants out and I feel like it will be longest and most dirty and terrible text ever written to anyone. I'm stopping myself now, because once again I feel it is wrong, because after all I am a man, and because of thoughts that it wont change anything, because of her NPD. But the urge to write is so strong...Urge to release all what I have inside...Sometimes I fear I wont be able to stop myself and just write something nasty to her. I am really pissed off and angry at her, not because we separated, but because the way it happened. While I understand her actions and reasons -this all still eats me from inside...

I constantly search new people to talk to, but feel inside like I am forever a "white crow" among black ones. Over time in few days I feel, that I lose my interest in that or this person and seek new people again. This makes me feel, that I am unreliable and not trustworthy, because I leave people this easily. I don't push them away, but stop showing much interest in conversations we have. I asked myself if I am only after attention? I do like attention, yes, but usually receive it by making people laugh at silly things I do, not that I am trying to get it by complaining (which I try always to hold inside) or manipulating it out of people.

And the last one...The most major energy sucker I have. I again got this "chronic sadness". I'm constantly sad and nothing I do just makes this sadness to go away. I'm sad about everything. About people around, about things in the world, about myself, about my life, about life of others, about everything. While I try to always be happy around others and in conversations -inside I am very sad and in despair. Yet I don't want to open up...Don't want to burden anyone, especially people, that actually ask "What is wrong with you?".

I don't feel like I have a depression...Or maybe I just don't understand what depression is.

Here on forum...I start to read something, but then feel like I just don't have strength to read it till the end. I see people that need help here, inside my mind I'm already rising my hands to write, but then again I stop, because I feel like I just cant take it and it will drain last energy out of me.

I feel like I want to find some shiny orb of energy somewhere and just absorb it, to have energy like in beginning of the last year, except there is no orb like that. I don't know what to do and what is wrong with me again...And now I want to delete everything I wrote, but I think I will post it and go against myself...I usually don't expect anyone to understand what is inside of me, still maybe here people will point out not at how I am whining and weak, but actually at something that can resolve this issue, to give some advice once again or point at something I cant see in myself.

I'm writing this, because I feel I cant go like this anymore. This all just eats me from inside and kills me. I fear I am emotionally dying from inside. I cant resolve this on my own. Most likely I wont reply even on this post unless more information is needed...Just will read what you will say.

And I'm sorry for bringing this negativity and troubles here...Hope it wont make anyone too tired.

updated by @curious-child: 01/07/18 05:10:40PM

Hi, Occasionally we have to let out what is haunting us regardless of how dark it is. I have been where you are years ago. I cannot speak for you but perhaps sharing a small portion of me you can make some sense out of what is going on with you. I do want to ask if you have considered that it could possibly be depression? Reason being is I am no stranger to depression, it runs deep in my family as it is hereditary. What you write shows the hallmarks of depression......just saying.

I am not looking for sympathy here as I have made peace with my troubled past. I have had quite the turbulent life that included being molested as a child, physically abused and emotionally used in my relationships. I have witnessed things that no one should ever be exposed to. This made me react exactly as you have written. I see someone that has been hurt very deeply and doesn’t want it to happen again so you build a wall of sorts and put on the “tough” front as so you will not be injured any more than you have. After a while of doing this, it comes second nature even though it’s not your true essence....the one that feels bad after pushing away. I don’t know how long you and your ex have been separated, but dealing with coming out of a relationship with a narc can affect you negatively for years....been there done that. Maybe write down the nasty message you want to send your ex to get it out of your system, then do a ritual burning of the note....that in itself is very cleansing.

First and foremost, take care of yourself.....treat yourself to something that you like doing and makes you feel good. Get out in nature if you can and just get some fresh air, go for a walk. Soak in a tub of salt water. Perhaps you should look into seeing a doctor to rule out depression. You are not a bad person so don’t tell yourself you are.

Blessings

Yup...what @cat-whisperer said...I write things down and burn it too....sometimes you have to face whatever is bothering you and let it out....that's what healing is about....there are things like past life experiences that may be bothering you...for me i've also been physically emotiinally and sexually abused when I was much younger....and buried it all....I never told a soul...and years later it all came out...I pretty much forgot about it up to that point...so I had no choice but to go with the expression of pain I experienced....I have the memories but the pent up emotions are gone...for the most part... theres a few more that i have no idea how to get rid of as on the surface i'm over it..but am aware i have this trapped energy due to the extreme trauma I suffered a few more time over the past 10 years...it takes time to figure out what's going on and what it takes to clear that energy....the spirit in the kitchen...how's that going?...that also could be a possibility....I also react to the energy being carried around by other living human beings etc...so you may be reacting to something your parents family have in their own energy..so basically there's nothing wrong with you that you can't fix....it just takes time...and actually...I cam across something about making an energy ball....it's called a psi ball....you can make it with your hands....Google that and find out more...
updated by @womanwhowalks: 01/07/18 07:27:48PM

You've gotten excellent advice. I would add only that our bodies often bear the brunt of such pain, and that can create a vicious circle of problems that feed on each other. I would like to see you do some reading on adrenal fatigue .

There are concrete things to do and supplements to take to treat that and the sadness, which may help you in trying to break this cycle. 

Also, the word depressed can broken down into "deep rest' and you sound like you need some, so isolating for a reasonable time to recover may be just what you need. When it's gone on much too long, then healing your adrenals, gut, thyroid and any other affected areas, and rewiring your brain so you don't go over and over negative thoughts all the time may be needed too. I am exactly at this place myself now.  It is very hard work, but you know what they say..... the only way out is through.

Cheshire-cat is correct. You have gotten some great advice. I am a big fan of grounding crystals if you're into that. I am out of town and was feeling drowned by emotions. I bought some great new but I was also in a space with people who knew I was an empath and being able to talk with them freely cleared a lot of that excess energy. For me it's not always about talking to people, but to the right people. I love this site because it give me quick access to an entire community of empath.

I've also been reading this great book designed to help you train and control your empathic nature. If you are interested here is the site.
http://mysilentecho.com/dreamtongue1.htm

Blessings
updated by @crystalsage: 01/08/18 03:14:13PM

Thanks for this @crystalsage.....I started reading and can't wait to continue....

Oh. There is a lot of responses, thank you ^^ For everyones wish to help ^^ But I think I will need to reread everything few times, because of my way of thinking...To analyze everything ^^ Need to take it slowly...

@cat-whisperer

Yes...Keeping everything inside can get extremely hard sometimes. I just got used to it. Still its better to open up sometimes, yes...To do something about it quickly, before it causes more damage to other people.

Eh...My way of thinking is like...I'm constantly confusing myself ^^ I don't know if its depression, but it sure is if you are so familiar with subject. In my mind I just ask myself "Am I depressed? What are symptoms of depression? Do I experience these symptoms? What if I actually read my feelings wrong and they are not what I think they are? Uh. And from where definition of these feelings even came from? From first human that experienced it? But how I can know how that person felt and compare to myself?"...There...Already got confused and gone somewhere far away ^^ Ehe ^^ Im like that ^^

I was abused and bullied a lot as a child too. But its not something that bothers me anymore and does not bring any negative or positive feelings. Just some thoughts and wondering about how lives of some of these people are now.
Its not long since we separated. And like always with narcissists it was ugly separation. She went away about 4 months ago. But during these 4 months there was a lot of violent arguing, blames, projections and all other stuff that narcissist do. Last 2 things, projections and blames are actually what I feel are just pissing me off right now, since I finally woke up. While in my minds I understand this kind of behavior and its root...Still I am very mad. It feels, like there is flame in my heart, except it is not made from fire, but from boiling blood, that just sucks more blood from every limb of me and gets bigger and boils stronger...

I try to care myself, but I am honestly very bad at it...I just think I am just a person that does not need much for comfort. Or maybe I just never experienced more? But I try to do more for myself still ^^ And this may sound strange...But its hard to care myself for me O_o

@womanwhowalks

@cat-whisperer

Burning note could work ^^ I remember I wrote a letter with regrets and my feelings, that I wanted to put into a bottle and throw into the sea in capital city, thankfully I woke up before I did it. Maybe note burning can help ^^ I will try ^^ I hope I wont burn the paper, while I will write though, ehe ^^

@womanwhowalks

I really hope one day you will overcome all these struggles you have and will feel free from them completely.

I really cant answer if I picked it up from someone. Maybe its spirit...By the way I saw shadowy figure few times today at work, when I was completely alone. Few times it scared me, but I never got good look at it, because it disappeared fast. I just think I saw black pants..Maybe just some mind and eye trick, I do have some problems with my sight lately. Everything is blurry and no matter if object is close or far...Its just blurry, has some blur around it all the time, like gravity, that bends the light or mirage in desert. But this figure really frightened me few times today. Good thing no one saw my sudden scares...Also today I felt difficulty to breathe. I don't know if these are related to anger anyhow.

Also my dad gets angry easily sometimes. But I'm not sure its from him. He was pretty calm lately, despite me being like complete rebel...

Its been time since I noticed anything strange in my home, except for a bird that made a habit to fly to my balcony, while there is basically nothing for her. No food, no cigarette thumbs or something to steal. That bird just flies inside, sits a bit on my outside lantern for candles, flies inside a balcony a bit more and then leaves. It happened many times already. While it made me happy, but this kind of behavior is just strange for me O_o Or maybe because I'm not an expert in "bird psychology", ehe ^^ I checked it in internet. It was bird called "Eurasian blue tit". I read also in internet, that it could be a sign of news.

I will google about psi ball O_O Sounds interesting O_o

@cheshire-cat

I do walk in circles from one problem to another, yes. I always try to "survive" with natural way...I really fear medicines, chemicals and stuff like that. Don't want to take those. I want to experience all as it really is, no matter how hard it is. So different techniques is my way in everything, or some natural products ^^ Like warm tea, with lemon and honey, when I am sick ^^

I do feel, like I need deep rest. I don't even know how long. Maybe week, maybe month or half year. I don't think about that, but that I really need a lot of time...You hit the center of the target there. Trouble is I just cant get this deep rest with everyone spinning around me, judging what I need from their own perspective and needs. I got a feeling that it will be hard and long road, that's why I exactly think that I need a lot of time...

Thank you for reply. I will read more about adrenal fatiique...Uh..I feel like uneducated student right now ^^

@crystalsage

Yes. I love crystals ^^ They do affect me a lot. Actually yesterday I could not get sleep, because of my anger. So I decided to sit in peace a bit, while wearing my crystals. Its been time I put them on, because I had no work, because of being sick. I used powerful black tourmaline, soothing lepidolite, magical labradorite and calming malachite. After hour or so anger became weaker and I finally got sleep around 7 am ^^

Actually after that, my anger changed to sudden bursts, that appear and disappear. Right now I feel a bit better, but still feel like I don't want to see anyone. Still feel, that if my phone rings -it will start to annoy me and wont take long for me to become angry again...

I don't know any empaths in my country. I wish I would, but all I meet are just regular people, that don't usually care to listen more than few minutes and then just give some cheap response, like "Its gonna be alright". Basically only trough internet I can connect with other empaths and HSP and I am very happy that I can do that and thank you that you exist ^^

And thank you for sharing this link for book. I already started to read it during breaks at work, it really got my attention. It also helps me to distract from my constant thoughts. ^^

You all wrote a lot, thank you, really ^^ I just need to take it slowly, like a sloth. One thing at a time, because of my branching mind. So I will need time...Also I hope I wrote all this in positive enough way to burden you all less ^^

Health and joy to you all ^^ Good night ^^