Don't know what to do :(

Kit Kat
Kit Kat
@kit-kat
9 months ago
232 posts

Hi everyone,

I am in a really tough situation. I know it's the holidays, but I feel like I need advice and no one knows what's going on with me right now (I feel the need to keep it a secret). Basically, my ex boyfriend of five months (who I broke up with two weeks ago) called me yesterday, after seeming like he was going to let me go. I felt the pain in his voice, so I wished I could help him, but I knew I probably shouldn't have even been talking to him on the phone. I tend to be an overly sacrificial/nice person by nature, most likely due to being an empath.

Our background history is that we dated for three months last year but I broke up with him because he wasn't treating me right (he was being quite narcissistic). Then, he went to therapy (for me), so I got back together with him when he tried to. But this year our 5 month relationship was really rocky.. I could tell how much he wanted to be with me and fall in love with me, but he just couldn't fulfill my needs. It was so sad, but I prayed about it and knew I should break up with him again--I got the confirmation in my heart that we weren't right for each other. While I was still on the phone with him yesterday, I decided to go for a walk because I wanted some fresh air and he said he was in my neighborhood so I let him join me. When it was time for me to go, I tried to say goodbye, and I said that I hoped the walk was a good idea since I didn't want to make his emotional pain worse. I figured maybe he needed more closure so that one of the big reasons I didn't put my foot down and say no to the walk (like my family and friends would for sure think I should have done).

Anyway, he had a lot of trouble saying goodbye to me yesterday because he was going to fly home to see his family for Christmas last night and he kept hinting that he had something to tell me but he 'didn't want to add any more stress to my life.' So we went to his car for a little bit and he told me he loves me and he pulled out an engagement ring. I started crying, and he told me I didn't have to take it or do anything--that I didn't owe him anything. At that point, I was also out of time (I had a family obligation) so I had to leave, but I said I was sorry and that we would talk. Now, he is making every effort to melt my heart so I will give in to him. I don't think he's trying to manipulate me like last year (he promised he wouldn't do that); he wouldn't propose unless he was serious about it. I had told him to pray for peace when we broke up and he said he has been praying a lot. But I don't know what to say to him without crushing him into pieces. I know I should really think about myself first and foremost, but it's so hard. I feel incapable of being so self-centered. And yet, I have to let him down...again. In some ways I can't believe he wants to be back with me because I subjected him to lots of my self-doubt even before I went through with the break-up. But it is hard on both of us to lose each other because we became best friends somewhere along the line. I am so sad and anxious about this situation. What do you think would be the best thing for me to do? I love him, but I can't be with him. I just don't want to feel even more guilty than I already do :'( I've been feeling his pain from a distance these past two weeks. 

-Kitkat

p.s. Sorry I havent been on here in forever, it seems like! I've missed you guys :) 

Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
9 months ago
966 posts
Hi Kitkat....you do know what you have to do....disconnect the etheric cords you have to him and his to you...take out all roots too...you really don't have anything to be guilty about...disconnect so your no longer linked to him...because really?...you are ALWAYS in control of you...you know he's a narcessist....you know that no amount of therapy will change that...it's NOT what he's actually saying...it's his energy that's wrong...he is what he is....you know it...you know how an empath works....you know about energy...all that is true...his energy will ALWAYS draw you in and visa versa....So just do it....you have to...for you....do this energy work and get some rest...I can feel and hear that energy connected to you.....it's not good because it's telling you what to do...it's what's causing you to be indecisive....and it HAS been awhile since I've seen you here...So welcome back!...lol...you'll be fine...and Merry Christmas!....😁....I was wondering what I was feeling today...
updated by @womanwhowalks: 12/24/17 01:18:53PM
Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
9 months ago
966 posts
Also....when he calls you and you talk to him his cord will reattach...when you feel the urge to drop everything to see him...to give in to his urging.....it's NOT him....it's that connection...the cord....THATS when you say no and do energy work...not after you see him...before....once you get to know yourself without that energetic connection to him...it will be easier for you to recognize....you already do in some ways or you wouldn't have come back for help....LEARN this and every time you connect to one you'll be more sure about what's going on...and less likely to get drained and caught up in something you don't want to be caught up in...so this is not ALL bad for you....🙄
updated by @womanwhowalks: 12/24/17 02:51:01PM
Curious Child
Curious Child
@curious-child
9 months ago
79 posts

Hi, Kit-Kat.

You really are in tough situation now :( It will require much strength from you to break this connection. I wont write what you must do or not. Just will say my thought about your situation and my experiences. Maybe you could take something into account from my words.

Basically narcissism is personality disorder and it takes years of therapy to actually have some effect, if narcissist wishes it him/herself. It is really hard to change personality, but easy to act differently for some periods of time.

What your heart tells you, what your intuition tells you -listen to them. Before I was like you, had people pleaser condition, couldn't even think about myself, only about pain of others and how others would feel. Back then I walked against my inner voice, intuition and heart, same situation as you are now in I think? Which also brought me to relationship with a narcissist woman that I had really rough and hard time to get over.

You said that you know and feel, that you are not meant for each other, so your heart and intuition has already spoken, your inner voice spoke. It must feel now like you are between two choices, which both feel a bit similar and which makes very hard to pick one of them. Think about yourself and feel pain of other, or think about other and still feel pain, because your inner voice tells, that you are wrong again and still will feel regret. Pretty similar these both :(

Try to ask yourself. What is more worth it? Stop it suddenly and eventually, with time it will get better. It will be hard, because you will have to fight with yourself during that time, but I promise it will get better. Or maybe continue it, this endless circle of fighting your heart and intuition? Both are painful and difference is that in first option you will feel a lot of pain and struggle for some time and then it will release you one day, when you wake up at morning. Or in second option you will feel less painful, but will be under light pain all the time.

You can also wait for that man to make choice for both of you.

You must decide yourself what is best to do. Also I think we both know, that what you wrote is just very narrow and compact version of everything. Its always much more complicated and there is always more. That is second reason why I don't want to suggest any actions from myself yet. But if you decide to break and put stop to it -I personally would go with @womanwhowalks option.

Also If you want to talk more -You can write to me. I will find time.

Strength to you in this difficult time

8>--§---

Hop Daddy
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
9 months ago
879 posts

@kit-kat:

That is a tough situation. And like the others said, you already know what to do. In fact, you were already in the process of moving on from him. Narcs love us empaths and are very drawn to us on a spiritual level. But we know they are poisonous and will eventually suck all the good energy out of us and leave us in the ditch as they walk away looking for the next one. Your ex missed the brilliant high energy that is you. He wants that badly in his life (that's how narcs work). And he figured he would try to seal the deal and capture you with an engagement ring. But given that you had already broken up, it's a trap that you must avoid. 

Kit Kat
Kit Kat
@kit-kat
9 months ago
232 posts

Thank you all for your wonderful replies... This meant a lot to me! I'm really sorry it took me a little bit to respond. Life has been crazy, as always!

I ended up telling him (over the phone) that we can't be together, and explaining why. He still had a really hard time, but I talked him through it, and we both cried. I think he believes that I'm doing the best thing I know to do. But I bet he is still have some trouble moving on... Thankfully, while I feel for him, I have come to terms with the fact that I am not in charge of his life, and I know I don't need to worry because I feel in my heart that I did the right thing. 

@Karen2 - Thanks :D It's great to be back! (and a belated Merry Christmas to you, too!!) I agree with what you said, especially about doing this for myself. You're so right. I need to take care of my own needs for a change. I'm so grateful to be  learning to take care of myself.. 

@Curious Child - I so appreciate your sweet and thoughtful reply! You really validated the emotional difficulty of the situation. Thank you <3 It helped me go through my decision, despite how hard that was. And the offer to chat more with me was very sweet as well!! I will keep it in mind, especially for if another life crisis comes up! I love what you said about following intuition. I think this is another lesson I'm meant to be learning right now.. It's tricky, but I'm making progress.. 

@Hop Daddy - You were right! I definitely knew, deep down, what I had to do.. Life can seem so much more conflicted in the moment, but in retrospect, I'm super glad I trusted my gut feelings. Thank you for your kind advice. It helped me understand how/why he was thriving on my energy but his energy wasn't causing me to thrive.

This decision has made me sad because I know how much he wants to get married, and if he has NPD I know he would want to overcome it rather than hurt anyone with it... But all of you were right that, while he's drawn to me, I shouldn't be with someone who doesn't fulfill my emotional needs. Things seem so simple in retrospect! 

Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
9 months ago
966 posts
Your energy feels much better...and I'm not hearing any of what I was hearing before.....i'm feeling a bit of tightness tho....you might want to do more energy work just to make sure he doesn't reattach....
Cat Whisperer
Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
9 months ago
764 posts
Welcome back @kit-kat..it has been a while. I know I’m late to this discussion but it is because in a sense, it is hitting really close to home. It can be heart wrenching to know that someone is not good for you energetically but yet you still love them. I went against my nagging gut instinct in the beginning, now almost 10 years later, I know what I have to do. It doesn’t make it any easier. I hope that the pain is going away and that you are healing in the process. Just know that you have people here that care for you. Although we all don’t see each other outside the virtualness of this forum, we are all connected as kindred spirits just the same.
Blessings

Want to reply? Login here

From Our Sponsors

  • empath book