Empaths and Codependent Relationships.

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DanCZ
@dvrat
4 weeks ago
12 posts

Hello everyone!  So far I'm exploring my journey and it's been wonderful, and a bit scary.  My wife is very in touch with herself and is an empath.  I wanted to ask everyone about a situation she's been dealing with and soliciting any thoughts or experiences on the topic.  She worked side by side with her best friend for years.  They had an intense relationship, however, I had some intuitions about their relationship and it turns out my wife's admitted that they had an unhealthy codependent relationship.  Her friend, though she has her moments, has strong narcissistic tendencies from what I can tell and their relationship displayed some classic patterns that I read about when an empath and narcissist develop a relationship.  

So, something happened, let's say a year or so ago, and there were hurt feelings on my wife's side.  It wasn't the first time really, but it's the first time she acknowledges it.  They grew apart a bit, but maintain a friendship.  My wife said she's been working on herself internally, and that they speak at most once every couple of weeks or so.  I suggested they discuss things, but I don't think she'd be comfortable doing that and I don't want to be in a position where I'm pushing her to do anything.  My wife feels that their situation has created boundaries and that they are in a better place now.

Now, I feel as though I'm in a delicate situation as her husband.  She has also felt that this friend was the only person, besides myself, where she can be herself fully.  Any advice or tips from anyone that's dealt with empaths they know well who had connections with narcissistic types?  Perhaps anyone with personal experience here?  

Thank you everyone for whatever you're able to, willing to share.  


updated by @dvrat: 11/23/17 06:18:43AM
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
4 weeks ago
803 posts
Hi...if the friend of your wife is a narcessist then it won't do any good to talk about the issue as the friend won't really listen to anything and your wife will probably get hurt more....she may want to cut the cord of attatchment to this person after hanging out with this person so she's not being drained of energy....being connected to a narcessist at the energy level is usually what causes issues....and those cords won't fall away on their own...you have to do it manually....other than that if your wife is ok with the current situation then there's really nothing else to do....you should also remove the cords from yourself too...i can always tell when I'm in the presence of a narcessist as their cords hits...instant drain...and it usually hurts...and when they open their mouths and speak their energy is all wrong...i have to remove the cords asap and rest for a day or two just to recover....I try to avoid them if I can...and when I can't....ick....lol
DanCZ
@dvrat
4 weeks ago
12 posts

Thank you. Those are good points!  I didn't really think about it, but yes when my wife's tried to raise concerns in the past, it's never gone well.  I don't have a lot of contact with this person, but I've worked on further trimming what contact there is for myself.  I'm just realizing this, but I've never felt good or comfortable around her and I'm realizing why.  As to my wife, I suppose there's nothing to be done, as you said, if she's good with the current situation.  I can raise the concern, but I feel like I need to take care too when approaching it.  Thank you!

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
4 weeks ago
803 posts
I think eventually your wife will come to the realization it's a futile relationship....she's an empath...she doesn't need to feel guilty about severing her ties to this person if she wants....the narcessist WILL cause problems....just urge her to do some energy work and cut those cords and remove the roots....once she does that, I think it will be easier for her to move on....being linked is what's causing the fear and inability to say no to the negative treatment....we will ALWAYS come in contact with narcessist at one time or another....it's learning how to take care of yourself at the energy level that will make things easier in dealing with them....not talking to them isn't enough....once you come in contact their energy will connect and drive you nuts until you remove that connection....at least that's the way it is with me....can't STAND being connected to a narcessist....lol...
updated by @womanwhowalks: 11/16/17 04:47:07PM
DanCZ
@dvrat
4 weeks ago
12 posts

Thanks for the feedback.  She's been doing a lot of energy work recently.  Cutting the chords is a bit more difficult in this case, but that's also up to her.  

TigerLily
@tigerlily
3 weeks ago
318 posts
Being someone like myseld who has had multiple strong friendships with narcs, its hard. I'm the same way, trust them, speak all the time, etc. The moment you don't want to do things their way anymore, they explode. Then one feels like treading lightly. It's not a healthy balance and not always will it be there way or the highway. The narcs just don't see that. They will put out enough to keep you on their leash, and just take advantage. Once the narcs sees the "leash" is not working, they'll start to back down. After a couple of meltdowns of course, which causes the empath hurt. But then it's onto the next.
I feel bad for the narcs that they can't find inner peace, but it's not our place to fix them. We can wish them well and send positive vibes, but piggy backing off our good energy is just selfish.
I had to give up these friendships as I was just fI'll of negativity and just drained all the time. I became so used to feeling drained, that now when they are not around the energy level is high again. I'm surrounding by narcs at work, I refuse to have them in my personal life.
DanCZ
@dvrat
3 weeks ago
12 posts

By way of update I'm happy to say that the topic came up organically this weekend.  My wife really didn't want to spend time talking about it, but she realized that she was never supported for being herself, but only in so far as their relationship extended to.  She's made the decision not to put any energy into the relationship and distance herself, instead of trusting on "natural boundaries."  I'm relieved, but I suppose, as I'm reading here and seeing, that's the constant struggle.  

Thank you everyone!

Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
3 weeks ago
528 posts

@dvrat:

I'm a little late to the discussion and see that you were given some very good advice from others. I would add that most empaths have had a close relationship with a narcissist at one time or another. It’s almost a rite of passage for an empath. In fact, it is very common for an empath and narcist to be family or even siblings.

Empaths are usually introverts while narcs are most always extroverts. But they are extroverts in the most selfish sense of the term. You can go to any social setting like a bar and watch narcs in action working their magic on people. Narcs are easy to spot and go out of their way to make sure that everyone knows that they are the most important person in the room. In that way they garner a lot of attention and are often very popular as human nature loves star power and narcs are wired to draw people and attention their way. But in their world the narc only feels fulfilled when he/she has control over and manipulates every person and every situation to their advantage. A narc will readily admit that they are here to take all they can get from this world. They are all about doing and saying whatever pleases them with little to no concern about who they may be hurting or taking advantage of.

We’ve all heard about Ying/Yang from Chinese philosophy. I forget which is which, but empaths and narcs have a ying/yang relationship and as opposites they attract. Narcs seek out empaths in a very magical and spiritual way as they are absolutely addicted to empath energy. And they take all they can from the empath and at some point leave the empath weakened and damaged. On the flip side of the ying/yang, the empath often falls under the narcs spell. We’ve had many discussion on this at this forum and I’m not sure we’ve gotten to the bottom on why empaths seem to consistently fall in love or deep friendship with a narc in such a dependent way. But it’s the same story every time. At some point in every empath/narc relationship, the narc has taken all they can from the relationship and moves on. It always ends messy with the empath being kicked to the curb in the relationship. And the empath is left feeling deeply hurt, abandoned, and confused.

The important thing for empaths to thrive is for each empath to understand who they are, and the dynamic and dangers of narcissists who seek us out. They want to control us and drain our energy. It’s always best to avoid the narcs and definitely not let them get close. I’m glad to hear your wife is no longer in touch with her friend. Just be ready for that old friend to potentially try to reconnect and regain control at some point. That’s why cutting cords is a deeper step in ridding someone like that from your life.


updated by @hop-daddy: 11/21/17 02:17:51PM
DanCZ
@dvrat
3 weeks ago
12 posts

I enjoyed reading your post and the correlation with Ying/Yang.  My wife is definitely introverted and her friend is definitely extroverted.  It's funny because as I read and learn from people such as yourself I can start to connect certain dots that I never even knew were there.  I appreciate the time you've taken to write this as well.

I completely hear what you're saying about cutting cords.  I think my wife doesn't want to end it in that way, but rather not pour the energy into it and let it die.  Funny you mention the friend reconnecting, because they've already tried.  However, part of the connection was to solicit help for themselves while my wife is currently in a very busy and stressful time.  This has helped to underscore what the relationship was about.  Only thing is I'm waiting for that stronger "I miss you/I love you" attempt, which will be harder for her to deal with I'm sure.

I will say, she's been more courageous than I.  I've tended to allow friends to break communication with me, to my relief, rather than actually dealing with the situation.  So she's still ahead of me.  It's just that this is a particularly difficult relationship to break for her.

Thank you for your response!

Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
3 weeks ago
528 posts

@dvrat:

I'm glad my comments were helpful. It's always hard to cut off someone who was once a good friend. And quite honestly, some empaths go through their whole lives being controlled and abused by narcs. While others make their mistakes and learn from it. You can only really advise her and hope that she makes the right choice to end it. But if her friend reconnects and reels her back in, just know that it eventually won't end well. And your wife may end up being about as emotionally exhausted as you've ever seen her. Hopefully that doesn't happen. And if it does, then there are lessons for each of us to learn even in the worst of times.

I did want to part by adding that this won't be the last narc that your wife attracts. Don't be surprised if a complete stranger with traits just like her ex-friend chats her up and draws her in at a coffee shop or somewhere else. Your wife will likely tell you that she met a really nice person and they hit it off like old friends. That's usually how it starts as narcs will early on make an empath feel really special around them. And I don't mean to say all strangers have ill intentions. But with narcs, they find us empaths like moths drawn to a flame. I get approached by narcs all the time. Complete strangers will approach me in public places and they seem almost intoxicated by my energy and quickly go full power with their charm trying to draw me in. It always feels weird when this happens as I feel a bit targeted or stalked. But I've become quite guarded when those types approach and quickly but politely go my way.

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
3 weeks ago
803 posts
aaliyah:
Fyi my hubby is not a narc he's my best friend whom I still tell everything to. And I knew ur wife found out about us man up and talk to me and tone the sexual nostalgia it's debillitating!! Ur so funny its unbelievable 😂 I knew my intuition was right, like they say you can run but you can't hide especially not from an empath. U drained TH f out of me im still trying re charge, u left ur negative energies everywhere on here and I'm just being drained by u 😑 talk to me stop being a wuss 😜 I said id always be there for u if u needed me not my fault u jumped to ur own conclusions without getting to know me properly minus the schizophrenia,
Hmmmm...who are you talking about on this thread?...
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
3 weeks ago
528 posts

It appears that either an account got hacked or someone is playing at our expense. I was hoping @Elise would take a look at this.

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
3 weeks ago
803 posts
Ya...the energy coming off it Is pretty bad....
DanCZ
@dvrat
3 weeks ago
12 posts

Thanks for the comments again everyone!  It's been refreshing to be able to discuss and raise issues with people with experience :)  

@aaliyah Sorry, are you referencing me?  Or someone else?  The comments seem to be out of no where and don't seem in keeping with the type of interaction I've experienced on this forum thus far.  


updated by @dvrat: 11/22/17 09:37:25AM

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