I had an intense 'feeling' dream last night.
There is a woman I met the first week in my sobriety. Her name is Mikki. She is a bit older than I, but I've always connected with people older than me. She saw right through me in a matter of days. It was an amazing thing to experience with her. I liked to come off hard & unapproachable before I got sober, because I felt so much intense pain. I felt it was a weakness. But this woman saw through it all & she was the first person to call me out on it. We were connected through our souls for sure. She ended up leaving the place we met to go to a long-term treatment facility. I'll never forget that morning. I was so sad as I sat & watched her leave the facility to go to the mountains for treatment. All my separation anxiety had come back so fast to me during this time, because I wasn't drinking or drugging any of my feelings away. She told me where she was going, but I didn't think anything of it. When it was my turn to leave the facility, I didn't have a plan. I went to my mom's office & broke down. I told her I needed help or I was going to die. I know this probably sounds dramatic, but it's the truth. If I didn't get sober then I believe in my heart & soul I would no longer be existing in human form on this earth. Mikki was at the long-term treatment facility, so I told myself that if she could do it I could. It gave me great hope knowing someone I knew was there. I'm so glad she decided to go, because if it wasn't for her I don't know if I would have made it.
I type all this because in my dream last night she was so vivid. She was as soft & warm as she was in person. I was able to release, to cry & to feel my feelings without fear of vulnerability. It was such an intense feeling that it woke me up. I instantly felt sad. I attempted to contact Mikki so we could connect. She is a woman who if we haven't spoken in a year it doesn't matter. We always pick up where we left off. Anyways, I laid in bed for a while, then got up to shower. I cried & cried in the shower. Do y'all ever wonder where all the feelings are coming from? I know in my heart that a part of them are mine. Then there's another side of me that is sure I'm feeling things for other people. I truly feel/believe that I have to release emotion for others or I'll get stopped up & extremely confused emotionally. A lot has happened this week. My Dad didn't call me back yesterday about plans for the weekend. This isn't a new occurrence, but it still almost always upsets me. He has issues & is sick. The feelings start out as feelings for my pain, then they turn into feelings for his pain. I'm feeling a lot for people around me lately. It's so hard to see so clearly into another person. It feels like a burden sometimes. I know it's a beautiful thing, but I'm struggling with it today.
Thanks for being here everyone. I don't know what I'd do without this place sometimes.