Dealing with liars

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Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
4 months ago
702 posts
Does anyone have trouble with knowing when you are being lied to and not knowing what to do or say about it? It's seems that if you know someone is lying and you call them out on it, they just adamantly deny the fact and that just starts an argument. Or if you just ignore it, the liar assumes they have it over on you so they pile on more bs. I understand that those types should be avoided, but what to do if they live in the same house. Anyone else out there have to deal with this?
CalMidwester
@calmidwester
4 months ago
108 posts
I would love the see some responses to this. Have wondered the same thing.
Jan Howorth
@jan-howorth
4 months ago
10 posts
I have the same feeling, my solution to this, and you might think I'm crazy, I twist it back to the bs'r. I have said to all my kids and students I have a bs bell inside my head and every time I hear some it rings and it's just gone off. When they try and dig their way out of it it's Oh! There it is again, and again. It's a lighthearted way of challenging them especially when others join in and give it to them too. It's helped me through the years. Hope you have stopped laughing now!

Jan
CalMidwester
@calmidwester
4 months ago
108 posts
I would totally do that with students or my kids. I can't imagine doing it with my husband though.
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
4 months ago
467 posts

@cat-whisperer:

Most empaths are very good at seeing through the BS when someone is telling lies. I would say always trust your gut on that. If your spidey sense is tingling during a conversation, you are probably right to doubt the person speaking.

My BS meter is one of my stronger empath skills so I can tell when someone is lying to me most of the time. At this point in my life I pick my battles and try to keep drama to a minimum. If I know calling BS on a friend or adult family member will start an argument, then I just change the subject or tip them off to that I know they are full of it in a subtle way. I might say something like "that is really unbelievable what you went through", or "it sounds like one of those I wouldn't have believed it if I weren't there myself stories".

I will say that I do not like it when my immediate family lies to me so in that case it's worth it to me to let them know that I know they are lying and deal with the conflict. My 13 year old Scorpio daughter is one of the best I've ever seen at lying. She's mastered the art over the years (as is probably the case with a lot of teenage girls). She's the type that will tell a lie with no tell (deadpan face), never admit it, and will take it to the grave no matter what. And she likes to go down in flames when covering up a lie and will yell and tell us how judgmental we are not to believe her etc... So in her case I pull her aside and let her know she may fool others but can't fool me. It drives her crazy because she knows that I know she is deceiving us every time. Someone has to keep these teenagers honest, right? 

Raindancer
@raindancer
4 months ago
27 posts

This is where i struggle.  Though i can have intuition about lies often i assume the best going in so can overlook my intuition.  When someone is lying and it only starts an argument i am not sure what to say.  If they live in the same house that makes it awkward.  For myself, i can give my own honesty but if the other doesn't things can get stuck right there.  I try to give my own truth and see if they will match it.  If they doubt mine without giving theirs that says a bit itself sometimes.  That does not sound like what you run into as much as you giving yours and you getting some lines  on you.  Piling it on?  consistency can show the difference in that. I had something odd happen where the explanation and apology sounded like some elaborate made up tale, yet sadly it was one of those things where life really was weirder than fiction.  That happens.  If you get someone who piles it and you know it's not legit, best to you sorting it in ways to not feel like you are biting your tongue or feeling like you are getting into pointless arguments that are just you being snowed under by one line after another.  Good luck on this!  It gets tricky. 

LoconnorO
@loconnoro
4 months ago
148 posts
I call out people I'm close to or enjoy in my life. Really the only time I call it out with people is if it hurts someone else in some way or if they're building themselves up over it, like an ego thing. I usually avoid directly calling people out about it but I do have a total and obvious mood change when someone starts lying to me. My family lies all the time and I am currently working extremely hard at not exaggerating or lying, I do blame where I come from for how much I'm urged to just tell a story even to make someone laugh or something... but ultimately it's my fault if I decide to do it. Luckily I've stopped almost completely, it's hard lol I hate that I ever started this awful habit...
TigerLily
@tigerlily
4 months ago
303 posts
Is this why I have a hard time trusting people? Because many lie ALL the time?

I call out the BS when I smell it. Some days I just can't smell it. If I feel trusting, it all goes overy my head. The days I'm super bitchy for some reason I smell that BS more.
Zacharias
@zacharias
3 months ago
75 posts

Good! I'm not the only one that doesn't call them out. With my wife a daughter, yes I of course I do, but the rest of the world? I'll let them live with their lies. It tells me all I need to know about them. 

But! sometimes, Someone will say something I know for a fact is not true, and yet they are not lying. They believe it. So utter denial fits in here some where. 

TigerLily
@tigerlily
3 months ago
303 posts
I actually like calling them out on their BS. Maybe it is all the years of being taken for granted. Even when they overstep, I say it too.
Raindancer
@raindancer
3 months ago
27 posts

Yep Zacharias, many people are sincerely mistaken.  There is such a thing as believing what you say and being wrong.  It takes careful consideration on many angles sometimes to be able to draw a fair conclusion. That is part of life.  Some people may not do that and may err.  Lie does infer some type  of intent or even intent to withhold crucial truths (lies of omission).  That latter part that i put also belongs.  Not all things are everyone's business yet some things which actually are another's business being intentionally withheld when harm comes of that omission can also be considered dishonesty.  Dishonesty has part of its definition withholding the truth. 

It gets all blurry sometimes when some are trying yet are mistaken and others are not meaning well.  One says something in good faith yet are wrong and another refuses to say something and that is more dishonest than saying something that is mistaken.  Oh would it were people simply have a flashing sign on their heads showing what they intend.  Would make things so much easier wouldn't it?   It makes it tougher on people who are considerate of many angles trying the best they can who get doubted as trust is the casualty. 

HeatherElizah
@heatherelizah
one month ago
7 posts

As some others have said, my BS radar is one of my strongest skills and I have really strong aversion to liars; it is my biggest pet peeve I think. I have no problem calling out family or close friends and play it situation by situation with other people.

In terms of what to do when you live with a liar, it depends on what you want, what is important. If you want to keep things real and honest, and you are sure they are lying (it goes oh so badly to accuse someone if they are not), then you could say something. Even if they will just continue to adamantly deny it, they will at least know that you are not willing to play that game.

For me, respect plays a big part in it, especially with family and close friends. It is not okay to have so little respect for me that you are fine lying to my face, and for me, nothing causes a rift in a relationship that is almost impossible to fix, then lying. So, I tend to say something, regardless of what the other person's response or reaction is, simply because I feel like it is important for me to and something I need to do for my own self-respect.

Yes, liars typically continue to lie when they meet no resistance or challenge, so it is fair to think that the person will just continue. Another thing I will mention is possibly consider why you would be hesitant to say anything. If they are lying, and you know they are lying, but you are pretending that you don't think they are, what is being accomplished? What are you getting out of it? Is it just easier? Are you not sure? Does it not matter enough to address it? Those are things to think about when considering whether to say anything or not. Just some suggestions. I completely understand your frustration. Liars are the bane of my existence.

Snap
@snap
one month ago
103 posts

I virtually couldn't function if I called them out throughout my life. There's just so much lying, and as long as I'm paying attention, as far as I'm aware I can always tell. People who know me well just know I can tell.

But I've realized just lately that I've gone too far the other way in life now. I have 'ignored' or 'lived with' lies and deceptions a little too much. What I'm trying to do is this. If deceptions don't impact on me or people close to me, I am trying to live with them. I can't help everyone, and astonishingly, many people don't want to know the truth anyway. So there's often nothing that can be done and it's an exercise in futility to try.

However, where lies affect me or someone close, I'm paying attention. If the relationship allows, I point it out, but try to 'accept' denials. Otherwise, it escalates--lying about lying. Where the relationship doesn't allow or it's tricky, I'm trying hard to speak with actions rather than getting into verbal disagreements or disputes. I may just use strong body language to say "yuh, sure, if you say so". Or I may withdraw support for someone. It depends on the situation.

The reason I'm doing this is that I went a bit too far in 'putting up' with deception to the point it became a habit. Then someone I know said they believed I'd been deceived by someone. When I thought about the situation, I realized I hadn't been deceived but I HAD tolerated a level of deception as 'just what people do'. Of course, there's no avoiding deception but I just think I went a bit the other way.

Generally, though, I stay away from people who lie and deceive on a big level, often. There's no way I could moderate my BS-detector enough to get on with such people on an ongoing basis.

So trying to reach a balance, really. But I look back and realize that to get on with more people, I went a bit to far in putting up with BS. I'm correcting that, while still being realistic.

Zacharias
@zacharias
one month ago
75 posts

Well, @snap, I relate completely. I could have wrote what you wrote and I wouldn't be lying. At 45yo I'm still trying to figure out the best way to deal with liars. This has come back up this past week for me when a friend asked me to call her husband and give him some encouragement. I feel the overwhelming need to help her out, but her husband is one of the worst liars I know. He lies about everything and tells these story's that are complete BS. I did call and asked him to let me take him for breakfast. At first he agreed then he backed out and told another lie why he couldn't. So I can't help him. I had to let it go. When you call out liars they get ANGRY! It's to much work to check my emotions and theirs. When they lie about lying and get angry, I give up. 

Because of all the complexity regarding human psychology, I try to live as an example and leave it at that. It's just easier to tolerate it. Isn't that being realistic?   

Snap
@snap
one month ago
103 posts

Zacharias "]

Because of all the complexity regarding human psychology, I try to live as an example and leave it at that. It's just easier to tolerate it. Isn't that being realistic?   

Absolutely, and it's a good point. I think we are examples, and it's easy to lose sight of that. I know some people do appreciate my honesty and see it as a kind of standard. But yeah, I laughed when I read what you said about people getting angry. That and pretense are extremely common reactions to being called out.

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