Well, my stupid, horrible, no good judgement has ended up biting me again. I mentioned in my intro that I had a therapist who introduced me to energy medicine and even the concept of being an Empath, among other things. He has brought so many good things into my life. Several years ago, I stopped seeing him because I was so attracted to him that it was causing me to basically be miserable every time I saw him. Because he knew so much of our family history, when we were again dealing with problems with one of my children, against my better judgment, I went back to him. The minute I saw him, it was worse than ever. On the one hand, he did help me deal with the family issues. He also introduced me to some great resources such as Brian Weiss and Suzanne Geisemann. But, the whole damn time, I knew there was this big elephant in the room. Twice he did energy medicine 'treatments' on me and I never asked again because him putting his hands all over me was unbearable.
The last few times I saw him, he talked more about his own life and the end of his marriage (he was still married when I had seen him years ago, so this is a recent event). He also began to hug me at the end of each session. I knew it was getting worse and I knew in the end, it would be a mess, but I couldn't stop myself from seeing him. Last time, I can honestly say the session was truly just like two people catching up. At least 50% of the session was him talking about his ex wife, etc. I have also discussed my own issues with my marriage, so he knows it is an extremely unfulfilling situation for me. He knows all this. At the end, he went to hug me and I am doing the side hug type thing and he grabbed me and pulled me in very tightly. At that point, I literally couldn't stop myself from hugging him back very tightly. Then I just sighed and left. He followed me outside and asked me about my car, of all things, and lo and behold, we have the same f-ing car, and he told me how much he loves it, etc.. I just sighed again and walked away down the street.
I literally couldn't bear it anymore and called him today. I said that I had told him more than once that I really struggled after our sessions and that I knew he knew why. He admitted he did. I told him I had to know if this was a one-way thing and all he said was that this happens sometimes and that it has happened before. He then said 'it's not something he would be looking for.' Well, no duh, I know it would be a huge ethical issue, but frankly, he could've been less cold about it. Then he said we could try to work through it or he could refer me to someone else, but then he said he didn't want to do that.
I just said that it was good that I knew this so that I could close that door in my mind. But, honestly, this is devastating. Yes, I am an idiot. In no way did I really think that he was going to risk his professional career by engaging in an affair with me. I knew he wouldn't. But, when he hugged me like that, it all went out the window. I don't even know what to think now. I am broken hearted and honestly mad. I feel like it's not out of line to think he should've referred me to someone else ages ago. I know that he knew. And, I feel like he led me on a bit with the hugs and the way too personal banter.
Anyway, I just wanted to vent here. This is humiliating, but I have to share it somewhere. I am starting to think he is a narc and that I just did that thing of getting sucked in by this false sense of intimacy, which is sorely missing from my own life. I feel like he was in the position of power and that he knew, after all that I shared, that I was extremely vulnerable. Blah. If you read this far, thank you for reading. If you can think some good thoughts for a sad, lonely person who now needs to salvage the good that I learned from this - basically a much more fulfilling belief system - and try to get over the embarrassment and sadness.
updated by @calmidwester: 08/04/18 06:20:21PM